Archive for the ‘Virginia Wolff’ Category

Welcome back! Sorry that Ringoosu hasn’t been able to update in awhile, he’s been really upset about Juan Epstein’s death. Signed, Ringoosu’s Mother.

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Rabid: Wow, quite a mess here, what the hell happened?

Willard: We just had a fire, a few minutes ago. It was only months for the reader and narrator, not you.

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Rabid: Well, good luck cleaning that shit up, I’m gonna have some cake.

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Virginia: Hey Mom, wanna play Legacy?

Staccato: That sounds boring as hell.

Trust me, it is.

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Sorry, the kitties won’t be in this chapter much, so here’s some kitten spam.

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Pemphredo: Can I please have some cake?

EvilGenius: Yes, please, we’re STARVING.

Staccato: Cats are always starving. Your food bowl is FULL!

EvilGenius: But that food has been there at least a WHOLE HOUR!

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Deino: Don’t eat me Mommy!

EvilGenius: But I’m so hungry!

Deino: I’m gonna eat you instead!

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What the fuck? The doll is standing up! I knew those things were creepy.

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Crowley: Finally! Back from Hell!

Hell? What the fuck are you??

Crowley: A demon, I thought you watched Supernatural.

Oh well, at least you’re not a lawyer/politician like you were on Battlestar Galactica.

Crowley: I’m not THAT evil.

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Rabid: I’m so fucking sick of this garden.

You and me both. You know what? Fuck your LTW. I’m just going to let the garden rot. You did the goals for the DITFT, that’s enough for me.

Rabid: Can it just be Mr. Stevenson’s turn already?

I wish.

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Crowley: Hello, I’m Crowley.

Virginia: Oh yeah, THIS is perfectly normal. Are you sure you’re not Chucky?

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Virginia: You smell like dirty socks.

Crowley: That’s sulphur. Besides, you smell like piss.

Virginia: Shut up! I couldn’t get to the bathroom in time.

Crowley: Isn’t it in that door right behind you?

Virginia: SHUT UP!

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Virgina: So this is how we play Legacy. First we describe what our characters look like. I will be the mommy, and you will be the daddy.

Crowley: This is so immature. What are you, eight?

Virginia: Pretty much.

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Crowley: OK, then, the mommy is a ugly clown named Ditzmera.

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Virginia: That’s not nice.

Crowley: You want me to play or not? We have to make this interesting at least.

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Virginia: Oh yeah? Well your character is named Ghast, and he’s fat and stupid.

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Crowley: Fine then. I guess we also need a last name.

Virginia: How about Alwaystoned?

Crowley: Ghast and Ditzmera Alwaystoned. It works, I guess.

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Virginia: And this is our house.

Crowley: Come on, we can use our imaginations, and this is the best we came up with?

Look, I’m not going to go download or even worse, build a house for just your stupid play game.

Virginia: Oh yeah, and that’s Ringo. He’s a fucking dick.

Crowley: I’ve noticed.

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Ghast: Let’s go meet the neighbors.

Ditzmera: OK, I hope they’re nice.

Ghast: Fuck that, I hope they’re hot.

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Ghast: Hey babe, you got nice gams.

Alouette: Fuck off, creep.

Crowley: Hey, since when did you cuss, Virginia?

Virginia: YOU ALL RIGHT?? I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!

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Ghast: Well, if you’re not going to let me get laid…OOGA BOOGA!

Alouette: AHHH YOU SCARED ME!

Ghast: Wow, I had no idea that would actually work.

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Virginia: OK, Now you be Oriole, Alouette’s sister!

Crowley: Ugh, I don’t want to be a woman.

Virginia: Really? From what I’ve seen on Supernatural, that surprises me.

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Crowley: I have refined tastes.

Virginia: I bet your bedroom is hot pink.

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Crowley: Look, lady, you keep your homophobic stereotypes to yourself, I’m going back to playing Ghast.

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Virgina: So what’s Ghast doing?

Ghast: I’m telling a ghost story.

Alouette: To whom? I’m playing with my bird.

Ghast: Just sit down already.

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One ghost story later…

Alouette: That story was lame.

Ghast: Fine, let’s just go home Ditz.

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Virginia: Really? You’re just going to have them watch TV?

Crowley: I got better ideas.

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Ghast: You wanna play house? Well then let’s play house.

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Ditz: Um, what are you doing?

Ghast: Let’s go upstairs and I’ll show you where babies come from.

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Ditz: I thought you wished upon a star.

Ghast: Who told you that crap? Let me set things straight, sister.

And then Crowley went on to explain where babies come from, and I guess it went like this:

(I can’t embed this clip, so you’ll have to click on this link. Please come back when you’re done. Or go watch more Community, either’s fine with me.)

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So anyway, Ditz and Ghast have the sex.

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Ditz: So I’m pregnant now?

Ghast: Yep.

Ditz: How many babies do I have?

Ghast: Uh, I don’t know. Just roll a die.

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Ditz: SIX? WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

Ghast: HA HA HA SUCKS TO BE YOU!

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Ditz: You fucking jerk!

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Ghast: Two can play that game!

Ditz: Hey, I’m pregnant remember?

Ghast: Let’s just skip to the part where the babies are born.

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Ditz: OK. I had three boys and three girls.

Ghast: I named them Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby, and Cindy.

Ditz: Why?

If I have to explain this one to any of my readers, I’ll just get depressed.

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Virginia: Why are the babies all in the driveway?

Crowley: I guess there’s not enough room inside.

Virginia: Shouldn’t we just imagine a bigger house?

No, you shouldn’t. More work for me.

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Ghast: Babies sure cry a lot.

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Ditz: Because you’re supposed to feed them and love them.

Crowley: Fuck this, let’s age them up already.

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OK. Here’s Greg.

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This is Marcia.

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Here is… umm.. STOP THAT.

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Here is Peter.

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Next up is Jan.

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Bobby loves his daddy.

Ghast: Whatever. Can we play Hot Wheels now?

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And last and probably least is Cindy.

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Ditz: And now the babies have to learn how to walk.

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Ditz: And we teach them how to talk.

Ghast: Is that it?

Ditz: No, they also have to learn how to use the potty.

Crowley: Don’t be gross. Let’s just move this along, shall we?

Virginia: Fine. Just run the next batch of shots.

What ever you want, your majesty.

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This is Greg.

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Marcia.

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Peter.

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

 

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

 

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Sorry. Jan.

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Bobby looks like Nathan Fillion in comparison.

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Cindy. Sorry I called you least last time. Jan’s least.

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Crowley: Age them up again!

Cindy: But I don’t want to have another birthday!

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Look, I’ve already aged everyone else up, so eat your damn cake and like it.

Cindy: There’s cake?

Nope.

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Greg.

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Marcia.

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Peter.

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Jan. At least she didn’t almost scare me to death this time.

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Bobby’s still my favorite.

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Cindy. Talk about a butterface.

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Crowley: Those are some fucking ugly kids.

Virginia: Yeah, let’s play dinosaurs now.

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Virginia: DINO SMASH!

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Virginia: SMASH!

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Virginia: Smash.

Crowley: That would be the best commercial for NBC’s Smash ever.

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Staccato: What the hell, Virginia?

Virginia: Dollhouses suck. And did you really want this legacy to be just based on a dollhouse story?

Staccato: No, not really. That’s WAY too much work.

You’re telling me. Anyway that’s all for now. This chapter was all done as a homage to my wife Desmera’s lovely legacy, Daydreams and Fairy Tales. I’d also like to dedicate this chapter to Dolly Parton, and leave you with a cover of one of her songs by one of the most talented artists ever.

But above all this, I wish you don’t get found dead in a hotel.
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Sorry, but it’s true. Gardening in the Sims is such a pain. But then I remembered, I have KITTIES!

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Enyo or Deino is eating some kibble.

Enyo/Deino: What, you don’t know which one I am?

Sorry, I know Pemphredo is the one with white on his face, but that’s about it. Besides, you don’t know either!

Enyo/Deino: Well, how the fuck can I know if you don’t?

OK, OK, I think you’re Enyo. Because Deino has a fat face.

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Deino: HEY! I do not have a fat face!

Virginia: Kitties!

Pemphredo: I have a suspicion that this small child is a vampire.

Because she is. So is every Sim in this household.

Pemphredo: WTF, man? Are you guys fatting me up to be some kind of vampire snack?

Maybe, five cats is a lot of cats, and I’ll have to figure out what to do with the extras sooner or later.

Pemphredo: *faints*

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Paparazzi: What an impressing garden! Wait until I tell TMZ!

Yep, the media in this town continue to obsess over the weirdest things.

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Thank god some of the plants are finally starting to die off. Here’s a tip for gardeners. Don’t grow eight of every type of plant unless you LIKE working from sun down to sun up.  Which reminds me of another tip: DON’T MAKE YOUR GARDENER A VAMPIRE! I swear it’s always summer in the Sims, because the days are so fucking long.

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Rabid: What is this shit?

It’s the Vampire B Gone Elixir.

Rabid: I don’t want to drink it.

C’mon, show me how the little piggy drinks!

Rabid: That doesn’t make any sense.

OK, I was trying to get in the holiday spirit.

snort snort snort

 

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Now drink up or I’ll make you watch that movie over and over.

Rabid: Fine, fine, I don’t want to turn this blog into TBS.

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Rabid: BATDANCE!

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Rabid: I look the same.

Yeah, I wasn’t expecting much. NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

Now that he’s a normal ghost, I can make him garden 24/7 now. Yeah, I drag his sliders up, got a problem with that? It’s not like this is a real legacy.

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Virginia: Mommy! Daddy! Hungry!

Your dad is at the science facility, and your mom is at work. I hired a babysitter to feed you.

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Stupid-dumb-ass-waste-of-75-simoleons babysitter: Ooh! Empty fish tanks!

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I learned that cats can ruin scratching posts.

Pemphredo: I didn’t do it.

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Deino?: I am lonely.

Pemphredo: Get used to it, this simmer just ignores us.

Hey! I drag your social sliders up all the time!

Pemphredo: Oh yes, that’s so fulfilling!

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EvilGenius: Funny, you don’t taste like honey.

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Rabid is making great progress on his garden. His other family skills? Not so much.

Rabid: I think I hear a screaming child. However, this apple looks just perfect!

Yep, perfect apples are way more important than well-adjusted children.

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Staccato: There’s a screaming hungry child in here, so you’ll have to speak up.

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Staccato: I think he has a birthday coming up too.

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Staccato: I’ll have to check my calendar to find out when. Fuck if I can remember.

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Mr. Stevenson: I feel so loved.

Mr. Swanson’s—

Mr. S.: STEVENSON!

Whatever. The kid’s third trait is Coward, to go with Clumsy and Couch Potato.

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Rabid: Even though my kid’s clumsy, and is going to be a businessman, I suddenly got a wish to enroll him in the Sports Academy.

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Mr. S.: Fuck this family.

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Maybe if you had an imaginary friend, we’d keep you around longer.

ADORABLEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

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Another $2200 down, hundreds of thousands to go to top gardener. Fuck the consignment store. Still haven’t gotten any veggies back, and it’s way too much trouble to cancel them one by one. I doubt any will ever sell again either.

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AUTONOMOUS PLAY TIME!

Honey Badger: That string is fascinating, really, but could someone please clean up that pile of vomit over there?

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Staccato: There’s vomit everywhere, whatever happened to that damn butler.

He got tired of sleeping in the garden and quit I guess.

Staccato: Some people are so picky.

I know, right?

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Honey Badger: Roly polys!

Says they’re light beetles.

Honey Badger: Look like roly polys to me, who cares anyway, I’m gonna eat ‘em.

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He doesn’t make it look easy.

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Honey Badger: Some kitties eat bugs!

Ew!

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Meet the new butler: Willard something or other.

Willard: The sink is broken.

Why the fuck do you think you’re here?

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Bad Enyo!

Deino: One. I am Deino.

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Deino: Two. It is the sink, not me.

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WOW! Both adults with their kid at THE SAME TIME!

Rabid: Why don’t you take a picture, it will last longer.

I did, did you forget how this blog worked?

Rabid: Oh yeah.

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Staccato got a telescope so she could raise logic for her hospital job. I bet you forgot she worked in the medical career.

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We got our first stray kitty visit! I tried to get the other cats to interact with him, but it kept dropping from their queue. Stupid EA.

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Honey Badger: Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I’m hunting turtles.

I like turtles.

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Turtle: Don’t you fuck with me, I was taught by Splinter.

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Donatello: You asked for it! *whips out bō*

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Honey Badger: I caught you a feather.

Rabid: I thought you said you were going to bring me a turtle.

Honey Badger: Oh, you don’t want a turtle. I heard they have salmonella.

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Meanwhile, Staccato has been told at work she has to investigate some kind of mystery or some shit, so she has to get information from some lady named Genevieve.

Staccato: I look like Randolph Mantooth in this get up.

Genevieve: Who?

Staccato: Don’t worry about it, it’s one of those jokes that none of the readers will get.

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Staccato: Now tell me what I want to know! MWAHAHA!

Genevieve: Perhaps you should get to know me better, like that pop up just said. And also, stop being freaking creepy.

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Speaking of creepy… WTF?

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Anyway, eventually after many boring social interactions Staccato gets the information that I didn’t bother to read in the pop up and now has to go to City Hall for some reason. I don’t remember the medical career being so complicated.

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But City Hall was closed, so it was skill up time. Seemed to be going slower than vampire skilling used to go. Guess EA fixed that bug. Figures. Yep, EA, you just stick to fixing the bugs that make the game easier.

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Garden update: I’ve planted six perfect plants, but by the time I get the last two perfect plants harvestable, the first four will probably be dead, and I’ll have to plant them again… bah. As you can see, despite the multiple number of plants that died this chapter, my garden is still an unmanageable size.

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Birthday time! Once again, the butler gets to hold the child.

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Uh…

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Not good.

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Deino: Later on, we’ll conspire… as we dream… by the fire…

Some of the household handled the disaster better than others.

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It’s been too long since we’ve seen the fire department in this legacy.

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Willard: Can I put the child down yet?

Um, probably not yet.

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Firefighter: I wish that kid would stop screaming.

Yeah, she’s a bit upset. I wonder why?

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That’s when I noticed some weird shit going down.

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At first I thought the kittens were aging up, but they were still 2-3 days from adulthood. Then I realized it was the same graphic you get when you cilck on “replace.” So I think the kittens were being replaced instead of burning up or something.

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Love the kitchen’s new look.

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Finally, Virginia ages up.

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Virginia: Wow, my cheeks are pretty sunken in.

Yeah, good thing you’re not the heir.

Virginia: That’s not niceSad smile

Sorry, did I hurt Skeletor’s feelings? That’s all for this time, I leave you with a video of Skyrim!

His bleep is upon my lips, his bleep is in my throat.

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Ranger Rick: Love to eat sushi… love to eat sooooooshi….

That makes one of us. Oh, by the way, this is Ranger Rick. He just showed up at my lot.

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Ranger Rick: Remember only YOU can prevent forest fires.

That’s Smokey the Bear.

Ranger Rick: Oh. Um… Give a hoot! Don’t Pollute!

No, that’s Woodsy Owl.

Ranger Rick: Then what does Ranger Rick say?

Fuck if I know.

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Ranger Rick: Hello, I am Ranger Rick. Who are you?

EvilGenius: I’m EvilGenius, the Wolff’s new cat.

Oh yeah, I made the Wolff’s adopt another cat. The shelter named her EvilGenius, and I figured it fit the family perfectly.

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Honey Badger: Hi! You’re a funny looking cat.

Ranger Rick: That’s because I’m a raccoon.

Actually, I think EA got lazy and just painted a cat in raccoon colors. Raccoons are much rounder and have little hands.

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Ranger Rick: What if I hunker down like this?

Nope, still look like a raccoon-painted cat.

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Honey Badger: OH NOES MONTY IS DEAD.

Good, the only good snake is a dead snake.

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Staccato: When you’re finishing mourning Monty, I would like to, too.

EvilGenius: So would I.

Wow, a lot of fuss over a dead snake.

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Apparently if you want kittens, you have to buy a dog house. Because that makes total sense.

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Honey Badger: Hey look, it’s a fly!

EvilGenius: I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.

Honey Badger: What did she do next?

EvilGenius: She swallowed a spider to catch the fly, then a bird to catch the spider, and then a cat to catch the bird.

Honey Badger: What a stupid lady. She should have skipped straight to the cat. We catch all three of those things!

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Then they all went outside to mourn Monty some more. It was getting annoying so…

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Easy fix.

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Honey Badger: Hey, there’s no option to have kittens here.

EvilGenius: That’s because we hardly know each other!

Honey Badger: Why can’t you just go into heat and let me fuck you already?

EvilGenius: Cause the game doesn’t work that way. You have to do friendly actions and woo me.

Honey Badger: Fuck that shit. A little help here?

Sure thing. *drags friendship slider all the way up*

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EvilGenius: OK, let’s go to the fuck house.

Honey Badger: There you go. You have a nice butt.

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Honey Badger: OK, you can has babies now.

EvilGenius: Babies, wait what? Why do I have to have the babies?

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Honey Badger: Can’t talk, got to go play in the toilet, kthxbye.

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Honey Badger: See, told you cats can catch spiders.

What are you going to do with that?

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Honey Badger: I put it in the playroom because it’s a toy.

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So what’s up, Rabid?

Rabid: I decided with all this produce I’ve grown, I’d get into cooking. I invited the local foodie club over to talk about delicious food and exchange recipes!

Do vampire ghosts even eat food?

Rabid: Well, I can’t get fat, so that’s an even better reason to pig out.

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Jenny Lho: You’re making waffles? That is SOOO banal.

Rabid: Who doesn’t like waffles?

Jenny Lho: Oh, I don’t know, people who aren’t white trash?

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Rabid: They’re a little overdone, but I’m sure with some butter and syrup they’ll be fine.

Party guest whose name is not important: Waffles? How delightfully rustic! What did you use for eggs?

Rabid: Um, I used eggs?

Party guest: YOU USED EGGS? YOU MONSTER!

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None of the guests joined Rabid at the table. He then tried to talk to them about food, but they all left one by one as he approached them. Rabid found out the hard way that foodies are not interested in food.

I’m getting angry already.

 

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EvilGenius is definitely pregnant, she has left this little present behind. Unfortunately, the guests have all left, or Rabid could have served them this!

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What’s wrong, Virginia?

Virginia: I’ve lost Patterns!

Your vest seems to have them.

Virginia: NO! PATTERNS! My doll!

Sure enough, I look in her inventory, and all over the playroom, and no imaginary friend. DAMN YOU EA!

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I then got a pop up saying EvilGenius was pregnant. Yep, that’s the look of a pregnant cat right there. I guess EA got lazy with pregnancy animations.

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After the party, Staccato went out to help Rabid in the garden without getting changed first. I guess that’s her formal garden dress now.

Staccato: Hey, it’s not like we’re going to invite those douchebags over for a formal party ever again.

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Honey Badger: Ooh, giant radioactive beetles! Maybe if I catch one I will become a super hero!

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Honey Badger: I am, I am Superman, and I can do anything!

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Honey Badger: GOT IT!

No, that’s a snake skin.

Honey Badger: Well crap. Guess there’s only one thing to do with this.

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Honey Badger: Leave it on the living room floor for someone to slip on!

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Rabid: What the fuck, these two plants are wilting despite being practically drenched in sprinklers.

EA.

Rabid: Yep.

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Goth paparazzi: WOW! A vampire! So cool! Will you turn me please?

Staccato: No.

Goth paparazzi: Why not?

Staccato: Because I’ve seen Oddities on TV, and you people freak me out.

Goth paparazzi: Oh, come on, I only have like three jars of pickled pig parts.

Staccato: Yeah. Exactly.

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Ahh! The ground is sucking Honey Badger in!

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Honey Badger: I’m just fishing. I caught a perfect Koi!

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So let’s proudly display it… and here’s the result. See the fish? Yep, I don’t either. So I sent Honey Badger out to catch some more fish. And the result is the same.

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So I bought a different tank. Finally I can see the fish! Sort of. God, EA sucks.

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Rabid went to the consignment store to find out why I haven’t made any sales in several days. Sure enough, hundreds of items were just sitting there, and in order to cancel them and try again, I had to do it ONE BY ONE! You see why I haven’t updated in three weeks? So I force killed the cashier.

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Rabid: Yay! I’m finally level six of gardening! Now I just have to harvest all my very nice/excellent plants, and plant them again, and then harvest the outstanding plants that came from that… and then MAYBE some day they’ll all be perfect.

Ugh.

Rabid: EXACTLY. I got my eight plants, fuck the rest. Let’s just cake up Mr. Stevenson already.

We can’t do that. Sorry, you’re stuck for probably a half dozen more chapters. But don’t worry, I’ll probably just fill them all with more cat spam!

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EvilGenius: Hey! Rabid’s home! PET ME PET ME PET ME!

Rabid: I’m going upstairs.

EvilGenius: WHY YOU IGNORE?

Don’t take it personal, he ignores his own kids too.

EvilGenius: Maybe some simmer should tell him to interact with his pets.

Meh, I’m too lazy to add you and Honey Badger to the downloads section.

EvilGenius: I mean you.

Have you read the blog?

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And suddenly Patterns appears in front of the bunk bed. Weird.

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Virginia: Yay! Patterns! OK, Now that you’re back, answer this question for me. Name all the presidents of the United States.

Patterns: Why?

Virginia: It’s a test, Patterns!

Patterns: *groans*

OK, enough of bad puns, it’s time to meet the new kittens!

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Deino

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Enyo

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Pemphredo

They are named for the Graeae, gray witches from greek mythology who had one eye and one tooth to share among them. Their names translate to Dread, Horror, and Alarm. OK, I’m done. Time to play Skyrim! Thanks for reading and all that crap.

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Ah, Mr. Stevenson has discovered the peg box.

Mr. Stevenson: Round peg… round hole… round peg goes in round hole…

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Mr. Stevenson: ROUND HOLE! ROUND HOLE IS MY MOUTH!

Um, sure. Whatever, kid.

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And finally the legacy gets their very first imaginary friend! It’s about damn time. OK, part of it is my own fault for quitting for several months, but pobody’s nerfect. Meet… um… I forgot to look at the friend’s name. I guess I shall name him myself. Or her myself. I don’t even know what gender it is! OK, therefore its name is Pat.

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Mr. Stevenson: Round head, round hole…

No, Mr. Stevenson, this isn’t a puzzle. you just put him in a house then you do things like cook meals, work out in front of the TV, and use the bathroom and sleep. Stuff like that.

Mr. Stevenson: That sounds incredibly boring.

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Mr, Stevenson: ROUND HOLE IS MY MOUTH!

Hmm, maybe he’s right.  *puts the Sims disc in mouth*

ROUND HOLE IS MY MOUTH!

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Honey Badger: Honey Badger ain’t fraid of no ghost!

Probably because he feeds you.

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Honey Badger: Wait, I feel all tingly. Why?

Because it’s your birthday.

Honey Badger: Birthday? Do I get a cake? Honey Badger loves cake!

No, you don’t get a cake. Cats don’t get cakes in Sims Pets.

Honey Badger: EAT A BAG OF DICKS, EA!

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Looking good, Honey Badger. So what’s gonna be your first action as an adult?

Honey Badger: Hmm, I know just the thing.

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Typical cat.

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So how’s the gardening coming?

Rabid: Well, I’ve harvested every plant you can buy in the store except plasma fruit, and I’ve started the section for my perfect garden…

Ugh, a simple “fine” would have sufficed. You act like I actually give a crap. You got the main objective for the first generation of the DITFT. Whoopty-fucking do.

Rabid: Hey, it wasn’t easy, I’m a vampire you know. I can’t farm in the day!

Still don’t care. Time to move the story on to something cute for the majority of the chapter.

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Rabid: You mean like my cute little son?

Another vampire ghost? Heard it. BORING…

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KITTY! I love kitties. What’s kitty doing?

Honey Badger: You’re breaking my concentration. I have to pick the perfect toy.

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Honey Badger: Here we go.

AWW THAT’S ADORABLE!

Honey Badger: Oh, shove it.

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Honey Badger: Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I’m hunting foil balls!

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Honey Badger: The innocent foil ball has no idea his days are numbered.

The innocent foil ball is an inanimate object.

Honey Badger: SHUSH HUMAN! Like you never pretend inanimate objects are your living play things.

Point, Honey Badger.

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Honey Badger: GOT YOU!

I think it’s dead now.

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Honey Badger: Hmm, I think you are right. *poke poke*

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So Staccato, how was your first day at work?

Staccato: I’m tired. Someone forgot I had work today so they had me out all night gardening instead of sleeping.

Bad Rabid.

Staccato: I MEANT YOU!

Um.. Uh.. I wonder what the kitty is up to!

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Honey Badger: I has a ball!

YAY!

Honey Badger: Glad you liked it. Can I drop the LOLCATS speak now?

NO!

Honey Badger: I has a sad.

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Honey Badger: Where’s vampire lady? I am cold and need someone to sleep on. And Rabid never bathes after gardening.

Vampires are warm to sleep on? Go figure. I think she’s upstairs.

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Honey Badger: Ugh. I hate climbing.

What kind of cat are you?

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Honey Badger: Hello toddler person. Where is vampire lady?

Mr. Stevenson: You mean mommy? She’s in the shower. I spit up on her.

Honey Badger: Nice.

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Honey Badger: Hey vampire lady. Nice boobs!

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Staccato: Does kitty like being brushed?

Honey Badger: Kitty kind of wishes you didn’t get dressed first.

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So that’s how cats work out frustration?

Honey Badger: Shut up. Honey Badger wants a Mrs. Honey Badger.

I’ll think about it.

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Honey Badger: Hey, do you have to document EVERYTHING I do?

Yes because you’re so cute.

Honey Badger: What’s so cute about me taking a dump?

Nothing really, I just think it’s interesting that cats don’t get pixelated while using the restroom like sims do.

Honey Badger: That’s because EA needs to eat a bag of dicks.

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Honey Badger: We meet again, Mr. Ball. Now you say, “Do you expect me to talk?”

Mr. Ball: …

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Honey Badger: No, I expect you to DIE!

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Honey Badger: Boy man, wash uffizi, drive me to Firenze!

You’re weird.

And so night falls in the Wolff household.

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Honey Badger does what he does best.

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The butler sleeps, dreaming of waterfalls and thunderstorms. I wonder if he wets the bed?

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And Rabid and Staccato toil all night in the garden I made way too big. Thank God some plants are finally dying.

Rabid: If I pee on them, will they die faster?

Unfortunately, no.

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Honey Badger: I shall help out in the garden by killing any unwanted pests!

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Honey Badger: I think I see something…

You mean the sprinkler?

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Honey Badger: No, I think I see a bunny! I must stop him from destroying the garden!

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Did you get him?

Honey Badger: It was a leaf.

Don’t feel bad, anyone could have made that mistake.

Honey Badger: Really?

No.

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Honey Badger: Maybe I can catch a bird.

See any?

Honey Badger: NoSad smile

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Honey Badger: I guess I’ll never find prey.

Um… Honey Badger… right behind you…

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Honey Badger: A guinea pig!

It’s actually a womrat.

Honey Badger: Looks like a guinea pig to me.

Shh! The guinea pig people might sue!

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Womrat: Um.

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Womrat: Hmm.

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Womrat: Excuse me, sir. Do you know this cat?

Yes.

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Womrat: Should I be concerned?

Very.

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Womrat: Good thing I know karate!

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Honey Badger: Got him!

I think that’s actually a feather.

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Honey Badger: DRAT!

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Honey Badger: Wait, what’s this?

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That’s a lot of fighting for just a little bug.

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Congrats on your first catch, Honey Badger!

Honey Badger: I think it’s a cockroach!

You have a cockroach in your mouth?

Honey Badger: I’m trying not to think about it.

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Honey Badger: I has a present!

Staccato: For me?

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Honey Badger: It’s a cockroach.

Staccato: Thank you. You’re such a good kitty. I love it SO much that I’ll never need another one like it EVER again.

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It’s birthday time! You know what that means…

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Staccato: CAKE!

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And here is little Virginia Wolff… Um, Virginia, could you drop the cross-eyed act, please?

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That’s better. See you next time!

halloween

Honey Badger: Why we got to wear these stupid costumes?

Because it’s Halloween and I wanted to do something special for our readers!

Honey Badger: Honey Badger don’t care.

I know.

Staccato: Why do I have to wear a cheerleader outfit?

Because the game wouldn’t let me put it on Rabid.

Rabid: I’m going as Harley Bull!

You’re going as a mummy.

Rabid: What’s a mummy? And how did you get Sid to look like a simbot?

I cut off his head and stuck it on a simbot’s body. He’s dead now. Don’t worry, I didn’t save.

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Honey Badger, you can change out of your costume now.

Honey Badger: I’ll fucking cut you.

*closes game without saving* No, you won’t.

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OK, so let’s load up the normal save file again. Staccato brings Mr. Stevenson home from the hospital. I felt the old house was too small for a family, so I added a second floor. Laugh at my building skills. I almost made the roof 5 times the height of the rest of the house, but at the last minute changed my mind.

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Honey Badger: Yay! Ghost Daddy is home!

I thought you didn’t care.

Honey Badger: I thought you had a brain, we all make mistakes.

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Staccato: This thing cries a lot.

That’s why I let you have them instead of me in real life.

Staccato: Do I have to feed it or something?

No, that’s why I hired you a butler.

Staccato: OK, I’m going to bed then.

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Rabid: Feeding Monty fish flakes, NOM NOM NOM.

I don’t think you feed pythons fish flakes, shouldn’t you get him some mice or something?

Rabid: Nope. Blame EA!

Geniuses.

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Sid: Why do I have to feed the baby?

Because if you don’t, I have a spare simbot body lying around here.

Sid: Your bottle, Master Mr. Stevenson.

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Honey Badger: This scratching post is nice, but I’d rather scratch the couch.

Hey, I’m not stopping you. Not my stuff.

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Honey Badger: Hello Mr. Mouse, I am Honey Badger. I am sorry to bother you, but I am the local drug inspector, and I believe you may be in possession of a narcotic.

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Honey Badger: Yes, it does appear you are in fact, filled with catnip. I’m sorry, the penalty for catnip possession is quite severe.

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Honey Badger: I MUST EAT YOU! NOM NOM NOM!

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Staccato: So, the baby’s asleep… is there anything you want?

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Rabid: Another baby!

Honey Badger: Guys, trying to poop here.

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What’s up, Staccato?

Staccato: I wanted to help Rabid in the garden, but I don’t know how. So I had to read a book first. Ahhh! The weeds are the little grasses around the tree, NOT the tree itself!

Yeah, you have to be level two to figure that out.

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Staccato: OK, Rabid, I read how to garden I can help now!

Rabid: Good, I never can get it all done before the sun comes up.

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And then she proceeded to water the plants covered by the sprinkler. *headdesk*

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Consignment Man: Can I help you?

Rabid: I would like to sell my fruits and vegetables please. I figure I can charge more ‘cause I’m a celebrity.

Consignment Man: Think that will work?

Rabid: Worked for Paul Newman. And my face has got to be twice as creepy as his.

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Honey Badger: Bored. Bored bored bored bored bored.

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Honey Badger: Where’s female human? I like female human. Ah, there she is. Sleeping.

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Honey Badger: WAKE THE FUCK UP LADY!

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Honey Badger: Oh, hi. Since you’re up, how about some food?

It’s not noon yet.

 

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Honey Badger: Shall we play a game?

Staccato: How about Global Thermonuclear War?

Honey Badger: Wouldn’t you prefer a nice game of chess?

Staccato: With a cat, really?

Honey Badger: Of course not. You’re it. *runs away*

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Honey Badger: Ah! You have apprehended me! You win the chance to feed me a yummy fish!

Staccato: That’s not a prize. You’re supposed to chase me now.

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Honey Badger: Ha ha! I have found you!

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Honey Badger: Now I will make several cute poses! Adore me!

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Honey Badger: Every one is so tall. Maybe I should jump on them and ride their shoulders.

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Honey Badger: All this kitten pic spam has tired me out. Night all.

Yeah, this whole segment was not very Honey Badger-esque.  Maybe if he ever grows up and starts hunting! Too bad there’s no cake for cats.

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Staccato: My night gown is soaking wet.

Rabid: No one made you come out here in your sleep clothes. Sucks to be you, the water goes right through me!

Staccato: *throws apple*

Rabid: So do apples!

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Rabid: And there’s the sun, and not even close to finishing. We’re just going to have to work faster next time.

Actually, it’s the garden resetting right at sunrise that seems to kill any feelings of accomplishment.

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Honey Badger: There’s not enough food here.

Sarcastic much? Sorry the bowl is bigger than you, EA couldn’t be bothered to make kitten supplies.

Honey Badger: I’m not being sarcastic, I really want to eat more food!

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Rabid: OK, I should get it done tonight, I’m getting started before the sun goes down.

Well, it would go faster if you left the watering to the sprinklers.

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I have a billion shots of them gardening, sorry if it’s getting old. That’s generation one of a DITFT for you. On a unrelated note, do you notice the weird camera angle on this shot? Tabbing to take pictures does this to me like 75% of the time now. Why? Oh right. EA.

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Dear Rabid Wolff. For being the most famous Vampire Ghost Farmer in the history of Hidden Springs, the city would like to reward you with this big screen TV.

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And also, this beautiful water fountain.

Rabid: OK, the sprinklers were bad enough, but now a fountain? See you in a bit Staccato, I’m going inside to pee.

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Strange man: Ooh, a baby, I’ll be taking this. Just kidding! I’m actually the babysitter.

That prank would have worked better if his parents actually cared.

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Babysitter: Looks like it’s someone’s birthday!

Hey, you’re not his family. Give the baby to someone who actually cares about him to help him blow out his candles, so it will mean more.

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That’s better.

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And here he is. Mr. Stevenson Wolff… um… could you stop staring please, it’s creeping me out.

Mr. Stevenson: …

Hello?

Mr. Stevenson: I can see into your soul.

Mine?

Mr. Stevenson: No, the reader’s. I can almost feel their mortality.

OK, moving on…

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Mr. Stevenson: Mommy! Hugs!

Staccato: Who’s mommy’s little boy? Wanna sweetie?

Mr. Stevenson: YUMMY!

Ah, how cute.

Mr. Stevenson: Some day you will all die.

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Oh crap, I forgot to put Rabid away after the sun came up.

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Rabid: I have more stuff for you.

Consignment man: *scowls*

What the fuck is that guy’s problem?

Consignment man: I hate my job!

So? Suck it, townie.

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Mr. Stevenson: Mommy! I’m hungry!

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Mr. Stevenson: Mommy! MOMMY!

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Sid: Fine, here’s your bottle. I heard your screaming all the way out in the garden!

Mr. Stevenson: Why are you wet?

Sid: Long story. Oh, well, back to bed.

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Sid: When I was Master Mr. Stevenson’s age, my bed was so dry… ahhh…

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Mr. Stevenson: Poor Sid. I should ask mommy if he can sleep in my bunk bed. Oh well. YAY BLOCKS!

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Honey Badger: I hate baths. We should let Sid sleep inside. Water sucks…

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Honey Badger: YUM SUSHI!

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Staccato: Welp, looks like these contractions woke me up.

Rabid: OH NOES BABIES WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO?

Staccato: First, get rid of the paparazzi.

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Paparazzi: Crap, she sees me!

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Staccato: OK, now go get the limo.

Rabid: Right away hon… Man, I’m hungry.

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Where’s Staccato?

She took off in the limo, and I was going to go with her, but then I saw I was near death with the hungry thing so I got out to have a Hi-O positive.

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And so Staccato goes to the hospital alone, and gives birth to a baby girl. I guess we’re done with kids for this generation then! Easier than I thought it would be. Meet Virginia. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next time.

Staccato: Hold it right there, mister! Tell the people my babies traits! You forgot to last time!

Oh, she’s a loner and neurotic. Happy now?

Staccato: No! Mr. Stevenson’s too.

He’s a clumsy couch potato. Can I go now?

Staccato: I guess.

Thank you, your highness. Until next time!