Chapter 33. Hey EA! Eat a Bag of Dicks!

Rough day at work Ethan?

Ethan: Shit blew up in my face again. Can I retire already? I’m 106.

Um, no. I need the money.

Ethan: We have 2.3 million!

Hey, did you ever notice Master Controller has a Force Kill button?

Ethan: I love my job! I’ll never quit!

Staccato: Grandpa! The TV is broken! FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT!

Ethan: It’s three in the morning, can’t it wait?

Staccato: FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT!

Shit, I forgot to put a puddle down first.

Ethan: Wait, what?

Nothing.

So Hungry and Elspeth’s wedding is set for 9 AM at Smuggler’s Cove. I load up the motive mobile at about ten ‘till, running late, but I’ll make it. And then we waited. And waited. Two hours later, the car still sat in the road waiting to leave. Everyone seemed to be on board, but the car wouldn’t go.

EA. Please eat a bag of dicks.

Eventually, the party was cancelled, and Staccato hopped in the limo to go off to private school. Bye bye, Staccato, we’ll miss you!

Staccato: Really?

Um, no.

Staccato: I hope my tears dry by the time I get to school.

Finally, with a reschedule for later that afternoon, Hungry is off to her wedding! Of course, this time Harley and Ethan couldn’t be bothered to tag along. Fine, who needs them. One of them smells like a rotting old corpse. And Harley’s not very hygienic either.

Looks like you beat the guests here, Hungry. Plenty of time to set up.

Hungry: What’s with the décor?

What do you mean?

Hungry: The chairs look like animals.

Oh, I asked Robert Irvine to set it up using a limited budget.

Hungry: It’s hideous.

Hey, at least you won’t have to operate a restaurant with it. Count yourself lucky.

Lady Cook: You are a cheater! A CHEATER!

Hungry: Please don’t cause a scene, I’m changing my ways, and marrying your daughter.

Lady Cook: I GIVE YOU THE DIRTBAG REPUTATION!

Hungry: Worst mother-in-law ever.

Cressida Wells: You are a dirtbag cheater!

Emmy Starr: Going to have to agree with the rest of the folk on this one.

Hungry: What the hell, this is a wedding, didn’t anyone ever teach you any manners?

Emmy: Nope, EA decided our reaction to finding out someone we slept with one time was getting married was to act like total asses at the wedding.

Emmy: HEY EVERYONE! COME LOOK AT THE DIRTBAG CHEATER!

Hungry: EA, please eat a bag of dicks.

After the crowd settled down slightly, Hungry prepared to wed her bride. As you can see, Elspeth was dressed in a lovely black urine-soaked gown.

Hungry: You take my breath away, Elspeth.

Emmy: SOMEONE SMELLS LIKE PEE!

Hungry: Way to ruin the moment.

At this point, I had to click on “Get Married” like seven times before it finally took.

EA, eat a bag of, well, you know.

By the time they exchanged vows, the party had dwindled down to about four guests. Fortunately none of them were Hungry’s past romantic interests.

Morrigan Hemlock: DIRTBAG CHEATER!

Hungry: I never slept with you!

Morrigan: But shouting things is fun!

Ethan: No, no, you go on making your 100th meal that no one asked you to make, I’ll fix the fucking sink. *muttering* Eat a bag of dicks, EA.

Rabid: Ugh, there’s a ghost in my bedroom!

OK, two things. First, you are a ghost, so you shouldn’t be scared of ghosts. And second, WHY AREN’T YOU IN BOARDING SCHOOL?

Rabid: I got kicked out cause our household added another Sim. Against the rules, apparently.

Staccato: Hi!

You too? You  haven’t even been gone a day.

Staccato: Nevertheless, I’m done with school! And I can’t even go to public school now!

OK EVERYONE NOW

Entire Kent/Wolff household: HEY EA! EAT A BAG OF DICKS!

The day after the wedding, Hungry realizes in addition to her normal days off, she got more added on, so the next time she’d go back to work would be sometime in the next century. And just only an hour of work or so away from her lifetime goal too. Ugh. So time to kiss up to her current boss/ex-girlfriend.

Hungry: Blah blah blah repetitive social interactions. OK, now that I’ve spent the entire day warming you up to me again, where is the ask for promotion option?

Emmy: Apparently someone’s simmer forgot you can’t beg for a level 10 promotion.

FML.

Oh, looks like the maid has a crush!

Maid: Nice body…

Rabid: Um, what body? Leave me alone, I’m working out.

Hey, why such a jerk? She likes you, man.

Rabid: I like someone else.

Who?

Rabid: You’ll see…

What’s up Elspeth?

Elspeth: As you know, I’m in the politician career…

Actually, I didn’t know that.

Elspeth: Anyway, I’m practicing for my TV interview. So Paul Revere, he’s the guy who warned the British they weren’t going to be taking our guns because we need them cause you can see Russia from my house!

Keep practicing.

Elspeth: What do you mean? I have over a million followers on Facebook already!

Hungry, your son’s prom is tonight, why aren’t you seeing him off?

Hungry: Meh, some people get something out of that, I don’t.

You mean proms?

Hungry: No, sons.

So how’d prom go, Rabid?

Rabid: I got into a fight, no one would dance with me, and they pretty much ignored me the whole night until the end.

What happened then?

Rabid: I got voted Prom King!

Yeah, that makes total sense.

Rabid: Well, I think they just wanted to dump pig blood on me, but they were out of blood.

For someone who was just complaining about being overworked, you picked a strange hobby.

Ethan: Ah, but this is fun. I invented a potion!

What’s it do.

Ethan: Turns mummies into ghosts!

Yeah, that’s better than wasting time finding a cure for cancer or some shit.

Harley: BOO!

Staccato: You turd! I was already scared of you!

Hungry: AHH! A GHOST!

I swear, I can’t get anything done in this house without people freaking out. I might as well bring Luke the Simbot back.

Harley: Hello, I’m the new spokesman for Burger King! Eat at Burger King!

Random Sim: AHHH YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME, I’M NOT EATING THERE!

Harley; But I’m not as scary as the Burger King!

Random Sim: Good point, guess I’ll have a whopper then.

OK, so Hungry has three days until she goes back to work, the kids I tried to send off to boarding school don’t age up for another three days.. In fact, Rabid is set to age up “Never.” Fuck this, I’m bored of it. Someone’s getting an early birthday!

Staccato: But that means I’ll die three days earlier!

You’re a vampire.

Staccato: Oh yeah.

Staccato: So what’s my final trait?

Fuck if I know, I didn’t write it down.

Staccato: You suck. Why am I in my underwear?

Family tradition.

Elspeth: Why am _I_ in my underwear?

Like I said FAMILY TRADITION. It’s not a Breckman/Kent/Wolff birthday unless we’re in our underwear! LOOK IT UP! I’ll wait.

Kent Kent…

Charlene Kent…

Darlene Kent…

Clarkette Kent…

Clark Kent…

Gurton Breckman…

Joey Breckman, Jr.

I think you get the point.

WHAT THE HELL EA??? I even had Ethan make it UNBREAKABLE!

Rabid: Finally, she’s old enough to tell her my feelings. Staccato, I am in love with you.

Wait, what? Isn’t she your cousin?

Rabid: Second cousin once-removed.

Harley: Get out, I need to piss.

Rabid: You’re ruining a moment! I’m professing my love to Staccato.

Harley: Your cousin?

Rabid: Second cousin once-removed!

Staccato: I love you too, Rabid.

Celina: This is gross.

Rabid: WE’RE SECOND COUSINS ONCE REMOVED!

Rabid: Will you marry me, Staccato Mamba Kent?

Staccato: Of course I will.

Celina: This is the first kiss scene, not the proposal scene.

Shut up, I don’t have marriage enabled for teens yet. I’m making do.

Rabid: So mom, me and Staccato are getting married and moving to Hidden Springs.

Hungry: Fine, do what you want. See you.

Rabid: You don’t care we’re related?

Hungry: You are? Oh right, after I left Vladimir he hooked up with Staccato’s widowed mom Belisama so you two share a half sibling, Dara Kent.

OK, Now I’m even more grossed out.

And so the happy young couple moved to Hidden Springs, leaving the rest of the crazy Kent/Wolffs behind. That’s right Harley has finally made his last appearance. He will be missed. Or not.

Staccato: So what will we do without our family’s millions?

Rabid: I’ve been reading about this challenge on the web called difference in the family tree, so I thought I’d force it on our next 15 generations.

How do you suppose you do that?

Rabid: Well, I was hoping you’d…

Ugh. OK fine. Let’s see how far this takes us…

Tune in next time when the Wolff family becomes a DITFT!

Chapter 32: Shawn Rescues Darth Vader

I know You know that
I’m not telling the truth
I know you know they
Just don’t have any proof
Embrace the deception, learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions,
They will Psych you out in the end

So it’s been several months since we’ve last seen Shawn and Gus, so how about a recap. Shawn has passed himself off as a psychic detective, and has convinced his pal Gus to help him run an private investigator agency…

Oh. Fuck. Sorry, that’s Psych. You’re here (all two? of you) for my legacy: Got to Keep the Cookies on the Plate. Or something like that. Fuck if I can remember. Oh. and we have strong language.

This is Staccato Mamba Kent. She was named after that dude from ZZ Top’s grandkid on Bones. She is the only child of Kent Kent and Belisama Hemlock-Kent. Kent Kent died in a not-so-tragic accident of stupidity. Basically, he learned the hard way that Sims vampires DIE in the sun instead of sparkle sparkle.

This is Kent Kent’s father. Ethan. I don’t really remember much about him except for the fact he bored the hell out of me. His time as heir pretty much killed the blog for a while.  He works as a scientist, and made it all the way to the top level. He still works despite being over 100, because, well fuck that guy. He also eats in his underwear just to gross me out.

This is Harley Bull. He first joined the family in chapter ten. CHAPTER TEN. That was so long ago Sims 3 hadn’t even come out yet. I don’t think. He’s been a mummy since before World Adventures came out. I’m not making that up, I promise.

OK, so I guess I’m a worse narrator than Ted Moseby.

This is Rabid Wolff-Schlick. He is the future heir and son of Hungry Lyktha Wolff and Vladimir Schlick. He, like his mother, was born a ghost. They inherited their ghost gene from Clarka Kent, the love of Thornton Wolff’s life.

OK, maybe “bane of Thornton Wolff’s existence” is a better term.

This is Celina Jung. She’s the butler. She’s not important. Forget I mentioned her.

This is the current matriarch of this messed up family: Hungry Lyktha Wolff. I named her after a Duran Duran song, and Rio would have been just too normal/easy. The last heir, Ethan, was NOT her father. Like I just said, her mother was Clarka Kent. Pay attention. No wonder you got bad grades in school, you stupid person.

Have I lost all my readers yet? No? OK. Anyway, she stole the heirship (is that a word? Computer says no.) from her stupid cousin Kent Kent. (The spot on the pavement, remember.)

Um. Thanks David Walliams. For the record Matt Lucas is funnier. So there.

Here we see Hungry on the phone. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. This is one of those blogs where I talk to the characters. I was about to go the whole blog just talking myself, and I know you readers don’t want THAT.

Hi Hungry. Who are you calling?

Hungry: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT?

Um, me. Remember me?

Hungry: No.

OK. Deleting file…

Hungry: I mean yes. Yes I do.

That’s better. Now answer the question.

Hungry: I’m sending Rabid to art school. I learned that if you are in charge of someone you get to ignore them for months on end.

LOOK I AM SORRY OK??

Hungry: No, it is NOT fine. Our house is falling apart! Look at it!

Actually, it was doing that even when I played regularly. Check out the previous chapters I swear. Shit breaks constantly, and calling the repair man just gets ignored.

Hungry: Probably cause he doesn’t want to come in this ugly lemon house. Who chose this color scheme anyway?

So I take a look around this house and quite frankly, I don’t remember why I added some of the stuff that I did. Did I really put a horse trough in the back yard?

OK, I definitely did that. I have a tendency to make people sleep outside. I think it’s funny.

So Hungry drove off to her job in the acting career. She is currently level 9, her lifetime goal is to be level 10. I could look up the respective titles to both and said those instead but then you’d be thinking “what level is that” so you should thank me for being lazy, right?

Heading to work Ethan?

Ethan: No, I have to drive to the bar and convince the bartender that LOGIC IS GREAT!

Why?

Ethan: BECAUSE LOGIC IS GREAT!

That doesn’t seem to make sense.

Ethan: IT DOESN’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, NOW JUST BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY LOGIC IS GREAT!

Um, Rabid what are you doing?

Rabid: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Oh. OK. See you later.

Ethan: LOGIC IS GREAT!

Bartender: Then why don’t you MARRY it?

Ethan: MAYBE I WILL!

Do you think Ethan knows what “logic” means?

Ethan: So here’s a picture of my grand-daughter Staccato Mamba.

Bartender: God, my job has gotten ten times worse since Generations has come out.

Hey, Hurley, shouldn’t you be watching the baby?

Harley: It’s Harley.

Whatever. The baby.

Harley: I can see her. I have to run so I can live longer.

I’m pretty sure mummies can’t die.

Harley: Do you know this for sure?

I guess we’ll find out.

Celina: I guess I’ll put the baby to bed since no one else will.

Go away, I already told the reader you don’t matter to this story.

Celina: But I’m the only one who does any work around here!

No one cares.

What’s up Rabid?

Rabid: I’m going to be late to my cousin’s birthday party cause SOMEONE forgot to wake me up when I fell asleep on a random bench.

Um, I don’t know anything about that. *quickly clicks on go to home lot button*

Um, Hungry, shouldn’t you invite the guests inside?

Hungry: When I feel like it.

Old man: YOU ARE A CHEATER!

Hungry: What the fuck? Why is this geezer calling me a cheater? We weren’t playing cards!

Um, yeah, you probably need to read the Generations patch notes.

Hungry: (reading) REPUTATION? WHAT THE FUCK? All those people I slept with knew it was just a one time thing!

Sorry, you can’t do that anymore.

Hungry: (grumbles) At least there’s no cats.

Um… for this chapter anyway.

Hungry: What do you mean?

Oh, nothing…

Hungry: Blow out the candles.

Staccato: I’m tired!

Hungry: SHUT UP AND BLOW OUT THE CANDLES. THIS IS A PARTY AND YOU ARE HAVING FUN!

Wow. I just had flashbacks…

Give me a moment.  OK DADDY I’LL BE HAPPY

Sorry. Where were we?

This is Staccato Mamba Kent as a child. She is now Artistic, to go with Good and Friendly.

Staccato: Can I go to bed now?

Not until you eat all your cake, young lady.

Staccato: Aw, man…

Hungry: Hello super expensive boarding school? I would like to ignore another child for months on end. Cause that’s what you do.

I SAID I WAS SORRY!

Harley: Changing the clothes from the washer to the dryer.. doot doot doot doo…

Harley, um…

Harley: (to the tune of Hunger Strike by Temple of the Dog) I’M DOIN LAUNDRY… YEAH YEAH…

Harley.. why…

Harley: Ah, here’s the dryer.

Harley… oh, never mind.

So since Hungry was only a touch away from her LTW, and she had THREE off days now, I decided to send her to the butterfly place on a date with her boss. Except the game bugged out and her boss never showed up.

THIS is one of a billion reasons I take this game off.

Hungry: Good luck with that picture, bet it doesn’t develop mwahaha.

Staccato: Will you be my friend?

Celina: Why of c—

SHUT UP! I TOLD YOU YOU CAN’T BE A PART OF THE STORY!

Looks like Emmy isn’t showing up, Hungry.

Hungry: Oh well. Hey, this lady looks attractive.

That’s Elspeth Cook. I think you slept with her mother.

Hungry: Really? That’s a good ice-breaker.

Hungry: AND THE WOMAN I FUCKED WAS… YOUR MOTHER!

Elspeth: AHHHHHHH

OK, so it looks like I’m not the only worse narrator than Ted Moseby.

Hungry: According to these patch notes I just read, I can now pull flowers out of thin air!

Elspeth: That’s a neat trick.

Hungry: ILLUSION! Don’t you watch Arrested Development?

Elspeth: Mr. Wendal?

Hungry: So what’s your sign, baby?

Elspeth: Virgo.

Hungry: Really? In that outfit?

OK, Hungry, enough messing around, let’s get down to business already…

Hungry: Shut up, SOME of us haven’t gotten to play with all the new Generations stuff yet.

OK OK, Sorry.

Yep, looks like some things never change.

Hungry: You shut up! This time is different.

Oh really? How?

Oh.

Chapter 31. Eff the Police

Staccato Mamba: Welcome back to Got To Keep the Loonies on The Path, the best Sims blog on the web. You love GTKTLOTP. It is much better than Cats. You are going to read it again and again.

Um, what are you doing?

S. M.: Nothing.

You’re creepy.

In case you missed Darlene Kent, here she is again. In case you didn’t miss her, well fine. She didn’t miss you either!

Kent Kent is getting off work at his not suspicious at all warehouse.

Cop: No, it’s very suspicious. In fact, Belisama told us exactly what you were up to. Come with me, Mr. Kent.

Kent: My own wife ratted me out? What the hell.

Cop: Wait, I just got another call. Wait right here, I’ll be back to arrest you later.

Kent: OK.

You’re actually gonna just wait there?

Kent: You have to do what the police say.

Some future Emperor of Evil you are.

Vlad: Hey Kent, what’s up?

Kent: I’m waiting for the police to come get me.

Vlad: Really? Why not just shoot them or something? Or even better, just leave?

Kent: That would be wrong.

Vlad: You’ve read your job description right?

Belly: Ha ha, I got my stupid boring husband arrested.

Harley: I like dancing!

Harley, that’s all you ever do, dance like a moron, and I’m sick of it.

There, I sold your stereo.

Harley: Party pooper.

Look, you made Belisama dance until she couldn’t stay awake. You should be ashamed of yourself. How old are you now anyway?

Harley: My thing says 100 days. But it’s said that for weeks now.

He is never going to die. Let this be a lesson simmers, don’t let your sims become mummies.

Hungry: Hey Kent, I came to see if I could flirt with you, and maybe you’d rather woohoo than stand in the sun and rot.

Kent: Aren’t we related?

Hungry: Bah, who keeps track of that stuff.

I know the Sims doesn’t, I’d make a family tree if the game didn’t go around deleting the in game one before I could remember who was who. But I think Hungry, is Clarka’s daughter, and Kent is Clark’s grandson and Ethan was Hungry’s first cousin, so Kent and Hungry are first cousins once removed. So that makes Rabid and Staccato Mamba second cousins once removed to each other. And I’m my own grandpa.

Kent: Hmm, I can smell my own flesh burning. I hope that cop comes back soon.

He really had “Wait” and “Jail” locked in his queue and I couldn’t delete it. I guess I could have reset him, but it’s only Kent.

Hungry: Lady, I’m sorry I cheated on you last chapter.

Lady: That’s ok. Do I know you? Are you the nurse who gives me my pudding? Let’s make out.

Hungry: Old people rock.

Lady: I’ve been to the moon!

Hungry: Then again, senility gets old fast, I’m out of here.

Hey, where’d Kent go? I guess he got tired of waiting. He left behind a mess though.

Oh. I guess that mess IS Kent.

Death: I THINK THIS IS MY DUMBEST CUSTOMER EVER.

Kent looks cooler as a ghost, though.

Death: DO YOU THINK IF I TOLD HIM TO WAIT FOR ME TO COME BACK HE WOULD STAND HERE FOREVER?

Yeah, but that would be a lot like shooting fish in a barrel.

Bunny Vampire Toddler has no idea her daddy just died. Or that she’s about to become an orphan because…

Cop: Belisama Kent! You are under arrest! Just wait there a moment though.

Belly: I don’t think so!

Like I was going to let the cops kill off ALL my vampires.

Belly, what the hell are you driving?

Belly: My lemon car.

Hellz no. I didn’t earn over 2 million simoleons for my family so you could drive POS cars.

Belly: Maybe a drink at The Prosper Room will help me get over my husband’s death.

You mean the husband you ratted out to the police?

Belly: Shut up.

Pianist: And here’s a song I wrote especially for Belisama Kent!

Did you use “Think about me” on her?

Belly: *whistles innocently*

Jeffrey Cook: This drink is lousy! What kind of bartender are you anyway??

Bartender: I’m really an accountant.

Jeffrey: Ugh, I’m going back to the bar that has the women in the swimsuits serving drinks.

Nothing ghosts love more than playing video games! Hungry, why don’t you sit on the same couch as Monk?

Hungry: Ghosts have cooties.

Can someone please explain to me why maids and butlers just won’t finish my laundry, even with four pairs of working washers and dryers available?

Meanwhile, Vlad and Belly are really hitting it off.

Belly: Exercising is awesome!

I guess it is if you can get zero to 10 athletic in one exercise session… personally, I’d rather watch TV.

Vlad: So now that we established we have so much in common, how about we put one of these beds to use… Hey, did you just change clothes?

Belly: Yeah, I got to go to work.

Later that night, Vlad had better luck.

Yep, just a bit better, I’d say.

OK, quite a DAMN bit better.

Hungry: Hey Belly, you planning on raising this kid anytime soon?

Seriously, where the hell is that butler?

I get the feeling she’s in this for the free bed.

Hungry: A dressing dummy would do a better job of raising you.

S. M.: DUMMY!

Dammit, he’s dancing again. Time to sell another stereo.

There, you can just quietly watch TV and stop distracting the other sims.

Harley: Come dancing! It’s only natural.

No, they’re not going to come dancing *sells guitar*

Just clean the damn house. No one else will.

That’s a good mummy. Wouldn’t this make an awesome detergent commercial? I can picture it now…

Harley: Are you happy with your wash?

Shopper: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations Hungry on your promotion to Lead Actress.

Hungry: I’m replacing Sandra Bullock in Speed 3: Automatic Pilot.

Hungry then visits the theater to pick up her Green Orb award.

Hungry: This is the filthiest theater ever! Look at all the bugs!

Belly: Yes you are the father! What the hell? Who else would I have slept with??

Vlad: Your husband?

Belly: Oh yeah, I had a husband.

Vlad: I’m finally gonna be a father!

Belly: What about Rabid?

Vlad: Oh yeah, I have a son.

Belly: So Vlad and I are having a baby, and we thought we’d just go ahead and move out and start a new life together, kthxbye.

Hungry: Congrats, I’m happy for you? (Hmm, I think she’s forgetting something.)

Hungry: Crap!

Hungry: I feel like I’ve spent more time with this kid than I did my own.

Rabid: I just got 10 levels of drums!

Show off.

They’ve all gone to the Brightmore for a birthday party! Is it Belly’s birthday?

No…

Is it Rabid’s?

No…

Is it Hungry’s?

Well, yes, but we’re not celebrating it because the game for some stupid reason wouldn’t let be blow out her candles or age her up, so I guess I’ve got two immortals in my household.

But no birthday party of mine is gonna end with no payoff, so the bartender has to take a bullet.

Bartender: But I’m only 37!

Not anymore! Sucker!

Tune in next time when the bartender probably dies of old age.

Chapter 30. It Ain’t What They Call Rock and Roll

What’s up, Kent Kent?

Kent: I’m jogging to work out for my job.

Are you sure that’s a good idea?

Kent: Why wouldn’t it be?

Because you’re a vampire.

Kent: *smells burning flesh* Oh.

Hungry has been asked to promote a restaurant to a few Sims. But of course, it wouldn’t be Hungry if she didn’t try to get some action first.

Hungry: Wanna join the mile high club?

Lil Bling: Wouldn’t we have to be on the plane first?

Hungry: You should eat at this restaurant… I can’t remember the name of it.

Steve’s. You know, it’s the only bistro in town.

Hungry: Steve’s! Eat there!

Lil Bling: Such a convincing sell there.

Is it baby time already?

Nope, Belisama is just working out.

Kent Kent is working out too. Although he is a vampire, and at level 6 athletics, it seems it’s taking him the normal amount of time to get to level 7. However, it does seem he doesn’t get fatigued.

Belisama gets to level 10 in a matter of minutes though. Why are you so determined Belly?

Belisama: Don’t call me Belly! I’m trying to work this gut off!

Um, you’re pregnant remember?

Belly: Oh, yeah.

Hungry: Are you Lady Cook?

Lady Cook: Yes I am.

Hungry: Make me a meal!

Lady Cook: Um, Cook is just a last name. Not my job.

Hungry: Things are really Cooking now.

Lady: When I’m with you I’m smiling.

Jeffrey doesn’t feel the same way.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention, I got bored and explored the catacombs while waiting for morning, so that’s why Hungry looks like Chef Anne again.

The three of them head upstairs. Jeffrey wanted to get a book. Hungry, well, had other ideas.

Hungry: Jeffrey, be a good boy and wait outside

Jeffrey: OK.

After having an after-sex garlic bulb, Hungry struts over to tell Lady about Steve’s.

Hungry: You should eat at that bistro, I didn’t vomit.

Lady Cook: You smell like garlic.

Hungry, you look silly strutting everywhere.

Hungry: I like to strut!

The laundry at home has gotten out of hand, and the cleaning company sends two maids every day who charge me $250 to do nothing.

So I thought I’d give them a little help.

After they both made short work of athletics, Belly and Rabid tackle chess.

Belly: G 4.

Rabid: You sunk my Knight!

That’s not how you play…

Back at the Cook household, Hungry works on the third recommendation.

Hungry: Do you like magic tricks involving linked rings?

Cressida Wells: I guess.

Lady Cook: Oh look, it’s my favorite ghost!

Lady Cook: I don’t like ghosts anymore.

Lady Cook: Oh well, ghosts will be ghosts.

That’s the spirit! Get it? Spirit!

Lady Cook: I’m going to bed.

Hungry: What do you mean you only have one double bed in this house?

Hungry: Oh, well, back to flirty.

Cressida: Now I feel very alluring!

Cressida: And now I think you’re extremely irresistible!

Lady Cook: Nice bed…

Hungry: Crap!

Hungry: Hah!

Lady Cook: I am tired, but I don’t like Hungry enough to get in that bed.

Hungry: Quick! While the old people are gone!

Hungry: So, Steve’s. Eat it.

Cressida: I’m a vampire. So no.

Hungry: Too bad, that star means I get credit anyway! Bye!

Hungry is in need of a promotion, so she waits in Emmy Starr’s bed. Unfortunately, Alan Stanley is already there.

Hungry: Unfortunately? How is that unfortunate? I like people in beds!

Um, yeah, but don’t you want to ask Emmy for a promotion?

Hungry: I can do that after.

Hungry: So, Emmy, how about we get in bed together?

Emmy: No. I don’t like you, you homewrecker.

See, I told you it was a bad idea.

Back at the lemon house, Belly goes into labor.

Belly: Can’t I go to the hospital?

Mmmmmm… No. I’m busy with Hungry.

Hungry: Don’t you see I love you?

Emmy: I’m tired of your lies.

Belly: Hellloooo, I had the baby!

OK, fine, meet Staccato Mamba, who is Friendly and Good. Back to Hungry!

Hungry: I’m sorry I ruined your marriage.

Emmy: Oh well, that’s OK. I’m a lousy wife and mother anyway.

Why do you say that?

Oh.

Hungry: So you like cooking too?

Emmy: Yeah, hey, want some pancakes?

Hungry: I don’t feel so good.

Yeah, I don’t think Emmy’s completely forgiven you. That empty plate says you just ate “Spoiled Pancakes: Bad Quality.”

Emmy: OK, we’re even now.

Hungry: Your baby cries a lot.

Emmy: I know, right?

Hungry: Can I have a promotion?

Emmy: OK, you’re a level 8 actress!

I think work would have been easier than this.

Belly goes and gets a job.

Belly: Yeah, I was going to fence the baby, but they said they don’t do that, so I got a job instead.

So now we have four family members working at the warehouse. Unless Harley retired. I don’t really pay attention to him anymore.

Because Vampires are totally awesome at music, I formed a band. Meet The Dire Wolves!

Because the maids are still charging me twice as much to do no work at all, I had a cleaning day.

And the house still didn’t get cleaned. Thankfully Master Controller finally took care of it. We’ll see if it stays clean.

I think Belly got arrested, but she’s riding up front with the cop, so maybe she’s an informant.

Because Belly is in prison, she misses her daughter’s first birthday.

Happy Birthday little Staccato! Can you tell she’s a vampire?

Thank you, good night, now it’s time to go home.

Chapter 29. Lovin’ It Up ‘Til I Hit the Ground

We’ll begin today’s chapter with an impossibly hard quiz. Who is this visiting the Wolff-Schlick household?

If you guessed John Locke, you are wrong. It’s Monk Breckman!

Vlad, your family has 2.5 million simoleons in cash. Why are you driving a jalopy?

Vlad: Because someone was too lazy to buy more cars.

Damn that Ethan.

Vlad: Yeah, Ethan…

Vlad: I’m tired, and the sun burns my skin.. why are you sending me to city hall?

We’re going to sue for the slander about you breaking up with your wife.

Vlad: But I did break up with my wife.

Shut up. Frivolous lawsuits are as American as Apple pie.

Vlad: Don’t blame me, but we lost.

Of course I’m going to blame you. Blaming others is even MORE American than apple pie.

Kent Kent goes to the warehouse to get a new job. Someone wants to be Emperor of Evil. Don’t you know that’s Vlad’s lifetime wish?

Kent: I’ve met Vlad. I’m not worried.

Ethan: The TV is broken. Where the hell is that butler?

You know, I haven’t seen him in weeks. I guess I’ll call a repair man.

Crap, he’s blonde.

Blonde Repairman: What am I doing?

Hopefully fixing things.

Blonde Repairman: I don’t see anything that needs repair.

Well, there’s the TV, and RIGHT BEHIND YOU is a broken computer…

Blonde Repairman: Broken computer? I’ll get right on it. This is it right?

*sigh* Whatever.

I find Hungry over at Bianca Rubble’s place. What’s up Hungry?

Hungry: I’m at a party.

Um, looks hopping…

Bianca: Oh, the party I was having was TONIGHT? I totally forgot… I feel so awful.

Hungry: I guess we can find other things to do…

Bianca: I don’t even remember inviting you but OK!

Hungry: Oh, look. Now we’re in bed.

Bianca: This is going a bit fast…

Hungry: Shut up, or you’ll end up like Renee.

Hungry: Great party! I’m outta here!

Bianca: Will I see you again?

Hungry: Nope!

Vlad: WORK OFF THAT FAT YOU SLOB!!!

Harley: Um, I’m pretty much a dehydrated corpse…

Meet Celina Jung, our new butler.

Celina: Nice shot you got of me here.

As you can see, our previous butler left a lot of work for Celina.

Celina: Can you show my face please?

Fix the damn sink not the garbage disposal!

Celina: I demand a proper introduction first.

Fine. This is our new butler, Celina Jung.

NOW FIX THE DAMN SINK.

Celina: OK! Off to do laundry!

Vlad: I’m gonna work you ‘til you die!

Harley: OK, this will take awhile…

Celina: Oh boy! It’s my favorite song! EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT! EVERYBODY WAYNE CHUNG TONIGHT!

And then she finally fixed the sink. So I didn’t have to use Master Controller’s Kill command on her.

Vlad: I AM TOTALLY GOING TO SHIT ON YOU!

Harley: Worst. Trainer. Ever.

Aw, Lakisha and Ethan still sleep together.

Hungry makes a new friend.

Hungry: So where do you live little boy?

Rabid: I live here. I’m your son.

Hungry: I had a son?

Rabid: With Vlad Schlick.

Hungry: Oh, I divorced him.

Rabid: I know, it put me in a bad mood for two whole days.

Vlad: Could you turn that down? I’m trying to read this book for work.

Hungry: *turning up volume* SHH! I am trying to watch TV!

We finally found something that could stop Hungry from barging in anywhere she wants. Broken elevators. Some guy named Richie Striker kept using it, and resetting him didn’t fix it. I finally had to reset the whole lot just to go down one floor. You know EA, stairs aren’t that hard to build.

While waiting to fix the elevator, Hungry chatted up Hannah Smyth.

Hungry: Let’s go have sex in the elevator.

OK, maybe “chatted up” isn’t the right phrase as much as “rudely propositioned.”

Could switching to Geico really save you 15% over the other company’s car insurance? Is Hungry Lyktha Wolff a slut?

That’s one satisfied pirate.

Finally, Hungry is able to dance at the Brightmore, which was the reason she came here in the first place, to fill a celebrity opportunity.

Hungry: This new dance is called the I AM SLEEPY!

Kent: GRR! I’m a Vampire!

Um. Edward Cullen is more frightening than you.

Kent: Oh yeah? Watch this!

Kent: You are a bad dancer! See, I am evil.

Sure you are.

Time for Hungry’s birthday transition into an adult!

Vlad: Hope it’s chocolate for me…

See the difference? Keep looking.. it’s there…

 

 

 

OK, it’s the same. JUST LIKE ALWAYS. I still don’t understand what the purpose of the Young Adult to Adult transition is.

Kent, why are you standing in the middle of the graveyard?

Kent: I have a hot date.

Kent: Good thing you came, Belisama. Now I don’t have to punch you in the face.

Kent: Will you be my girlfriend? If you say no, I will stand out in the sun until I turn to ashes.

Belisama: OK, I guess I say yes then.

Bartender: This relationship is fucked up.

Just be glad you haven’t been following this family for five generations.

Kent: Marry me, and I will give you a really expensive ring!

Belisama: OMG I LOVE RINGZ!

And so they got married in a bar in a tomb in a graveyard. And if that wasn’t weird enough, the bartender cackled maniacally during the whole ceremony.

Hungry: So my cousin or whatever has married your daughter.

Morrigan: So what does that make us?

Hungry: Distant enough that we can do this!

Morrigan: You know now it’ll be awkward between us at family gatherings right?

Hungry: You haven’t been to my family gatherings. I have awkward relationships with all of them.

Belisama and Kent almost look normal here…

Belisama: I–

Shut up, don’t ruin this for me.

Belisama: But I was only going to say —

No. I won’t hear it.  Next picture!

Belsama: But–

NEXT PICTURE!

It’s Rabid’s birthday!

And now he’s a Schmoozer. Great.

Belisama: BIRTHDAYZ R AWESUM!

OK, now I can’t find the butler again.

That’s all for this chapter. I’ll leave it to you to guess what happens to Belisama in the next chapter.

Belisama: I bet I have a baby. I’m wearing maternity clothes, and thinking about pregnancy. I think they could guess that.

Well, yeah, that was the obvious joke. You suck.

Chapter 28. Walk Away Renee

Looks like it’s time for Vlad to go to work!

So Hungry invites over Renee Littler for a little fun while her husband’s away.

Renee doesn’t come alone, she brings with her the paparazzi.

Paparazzi: Interesting story, go on.

Hungry: She was talking TO ME.

Hungry: Hey, good looking. Whatcha got cooking?

Harley: Although Hungry already cheated on me by getting married and have a kid, this still angers me for some reason. And this anger gives me fame.

Ethan: This is odd. Hungry is married, yet talking really flirty to a woman besides her husband.

Ethan: And now they’re massaging each other. I think I’ll go take a shower.

Do I really want to know why?

Harley: This upsets me, yet I feel compelled to watch.

And then Vlad comes home from work.

Vlad: Hey, Ethan’s home! Maybe we can chat about stuff.

Like your cheating wife?

Vlad: My what?

She’s got Renee up in the bedroom and they’re about to…

Renee: You know, this group outing has sucked. I got to go.

Hungry: Wait, it was about to get real interesting, don’t go.

Renee: See you!

Slightly hurt, Hungry calls her up and invites her over again.

Renee: Sure, I’ll be right there.

Renee: Wait, I got to go. And this outing sucked more than the last one.

Hungry: Just walk away Renee, you won’t see me follow you back home.

Hungry: Instead I’ll invite you over a third time and break up with you.

Hungry: And that story the tabloids wrote about you was boring. Oh, and could you turn around?

Hungry: BOOOOOOO!

Renee: AHHH IT’S A GHOST!!!

You think?

Hungry: And now I will zap you!

Note to self: Don’t leave Hungry’s house before she wants you to.

Meanwhile, Bertram asked for his weekly stipend. Money well spent I guess.

Back at work, Hungry is asked to pass out flyers at the park. It’s times like these when I miss the one main park in Sunset Valley. Parks in Bridgeport are such ghost towns. Well, one ghost anyway.

Hungry: Here’s a flyer for our new movie!

Tiara: I’m in this movie. We work together remember? We’re even romantic interests!

Hungry: In the movie?

Tiara: No! IN REAL LIFE! We just made out last chapter!

Hungry: What’s a chapter!

Tiara: Whoops, I broke the fourth wall.

Hungry: Here’s a flyer for our studio’s latest movie.

Dorothy Wannabe: Does it have Judy Garland in it?

Hungry: Here, you throw this away.

Random Job Victim #3: Um, thanks.

Hungry: Blah blah blah flyer.

Marina Prattle: Have you tried TV commercials? What kind of budget does this movie have anyway?

Hungry: Here’s some reading material while you use the john.

Elspeth Cook: Did you just stalk me into the bathroom to give me this?

Hungry: Yes. Speaking of stalking, that reminds me…

Hungry: I’m going to go over to Renee Littler’s house and just do creepy things like use her kitchen.

Hungry, it’s Rabid’s birthday, you probably should be there to watch him age up.

Hungry: Sorry, busy eating goopy carbonara.

Hungry: So you’re Renee’s husband?

Hungry, you’re missing Ethan’s birthday.

Hungry: Can’t you see I’m busy creating scandals with my new nemesis’s husband?

Yeah, I can see that.

Hungry: And now I’m gonna go bitch slap her sister.

Hungry, haven’t you taken this a bit too far?

Hungry: Nope, now I’m gonna go fight with her.

Looks like Renee has other plans. Like starving to death.

Hungry: That bitch. She ruins everything.

Yeah, I’m sure she did it just to spite you.

Hungry: Oh well, time to work up relationships with my coworkers.

Um, Hungry, you could just chat them up, find their interests instead of just ramming your tongue down their throats.

Hungry: Nah…

Kent Kent got invited over to Belisima Hemlock’s house. For a boring guy, he sure has interesting sims.

Kent: I really like your bear.

Kent: Awesome, you’re evil too? Let’s Mastermind Plots!

Belisima: OK. We could make a sequel to She’s Out of My League.

Kent: You really are evil.

Kent: So are you single?

Belisima: I was trying to pee…

Kent: And you met someone?

Belisima: No, I’m single. This is not a story about by relationship status.

Wogan: I AM HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!

Kent: What was that?

Belisima: Sounds like my dad is dying.

Kent: *cackling* This is awesome!

Belisima: It’s my dad, I don’t think you should be enjoying this.

Belisima: In fact, I will cry now.

Kent: Bummer.

Kent: So, I think you’re kinda hot.

Belisima: OK, we can amorously hug now.

Morrigan: Oh, garbage chute, my husband is dead.

OK, that’s a little weird…

Hungry: Let me use my Master of Seduction ability on you.

Vlad: No, you’re a cheating bitch, don’t touch me.

Hungry: Well, that was a waste of reward points.

Hungry: Let me slap you instead.

Vlad: Maybe I should have taken the kiss.

Hungry: I want a divorce.

Vlad: Fine. Should I move out?

Hungry: Nah, it’s easier to hate you if you stay.

And then a fight breaks out! Ghost vs. Vampire! Who will win?

And this round goes to: VAMPIRE!

Belisima: I can’t believe my dad is dead.

Kent: Yeah, yeah, I know already.

Kent: Want to make out?

Belisima: You really are a jerk.

Kent: I thought that’s why you liked me?

And things are back to normal at the lemon house. Harley plays guitar while simultaneously listening to the stereo, Vlad works out, and Hungry plays video games. You couldn’t tell by looking all three hate each other’s guts.

Really, I have no idea what Bertram is doing with his time.

The next day, Kent resumes his game. Consoling didn’t work…

After borrowing Hungry’s moodlet manager, Kent’s finally able to get his new girlfriend in a good mood.

Belisima: Thank you for my first kiss, Kent. Too bad dumbass here didn’t get a screenshot of it.

I suck, OK?

And now it’s Kent’s birthday!

Kent got a D in school. So he can’t chose his last trait. Which is Disciplined. Yes kids, if you don’t work hard, study, and use your time wisely in school.. you might wind up DISCIPLINED!

And by a strange coincidence it is also Belisima’s birthday!

And here she is as a young adult! Thanks, Lakisha.

Kent: Oh please, please, I’m tired of being the Kent’s version of that boring normal girl on the Munsters!

And finally Kent Kent does something that might make me not kick him out after all.

Tune in next time for a Vampire Wedding!

Chapter 27. Oh, Hungry… Don’t Take Your Love to Town

When we last left the Kent-Wolff-Schlick household, we had added a vampire ghost toddler named Rabid to the family. He blends in well with our citrus colored house.

Yes, we love our little vampire ghost toddler just because he’s not a boring male Kent.

Hungry: Today you’re a baby but someday you will grow up.

Rabid: Baby!

Hungry: And then you’ll meet someone, but if you want to divorce them they’ll want to take all your money.

Rabid: Divorce!

Hungry: And that’s what poison is for!

Rabid: Poison!

Hungry: And when they die, you get to keep everything!

Rabid: DIE!

Hungry stepped out to use the bathroom, and Rabid started crying for food, waking up Lakisha. Instead of just feeding him, Lakisha just stood there. I guess she was waiting to use the restroom, because she went in as soon as Hungry was done.

That’s what I use the bathroom for too, dying.

Lil Bling: I just came over to visit Kent Kent. This is creepy.

Lakisha: Witness my death!

Lil Bling: When I woke up this morning, I didn’t think my day would include seeing someone die then playing video games with another ghost.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT! There’s the villain who keeps repairing the stereo!

Bertram: I’m tired.

Then stop mucking about with things you have no business with and GO TO BED!

Hungry: Look, I found a new bar to hang out in!

Where is this place?

Oh, the graveyard. Perfectly normal place to get your drink on.

Then Hungry explored the crypts, to disastrous results.

Tourist: It’s Secrets of a Restaurant Chef star Anne Burrell! Can I have your autograph?

We now head over to Eugi’s where Hungry plays an EXCITING game of shuffleboard that ends in a 2-2 tie.

Hungry: So you’re a vampire huh? I saw the most BEAUTIFUL sunset the other day. You totally should have been there.

Hungry: Cool, another vampire! Hey, I had the most AMAZING salad yesterday.

Wogan: I miss real food…

The family’s celebrity status has earned them a free bathtub, which they put in the most logical place. The kitchen.

OBLIGATORY TODDLER GNAWING ON DOLL SHOT!

Rabid: Thanks for teaching me to walk mom!

Hungry: Meh, this is hard. I’m going to the library.

Hungry: OMG, it’s five star celebrity Lola Belle!

Hungry: So, what’s your sign?

Lola: You have asked the secret code phrase. You are now a five star celebrity too.

Hungry: Cool, can we make out now?

Hungry: SCORE!

What about your husband?

Hungry: Meh, what he don’t know…

Yeah, piss off a vampire. Good move.

Hungry: Awesome! The paparazzi want a picture for the cover of the tabloids for their “Lola Belle is a Cheater” story!

No subtlety in this ghost.

So where are you going now?

Hungry: To a party.

And you’re bringing Rabid?

Hungry: Good point. I’ll leave him at the gate

.

Hungry: This party blows. Let’s all go to the diner!

Way to act like a guest…

Hungry: C’mon guys! Nothing beats pancakes at 4 a.m.!

Next up, Hungry tries to befriend co-worker Reuben Littler.

Hungry: I know what we can do for fun.

Hungry, you really need a new group activity.

Meanwhile, Harley had an opportunity, so I filled it, just to show I can still use my other sims. Besides, it stopped him from dancing.

And in the few minutes that took, Kent Kent made an ass of himself. You don’t need to be Cal Lightman to see the disgust on Hungry’s face.

More toddler skilling!

Hungry: This is gross. I’m gonna go work out.

Nice work out outfit. Elbow pads?

Harley: Ew, you smell gross.

This coming from the mummy who drips water all over the house.

At least Harley has an audience, even if they’re all ghosts.

The concert is interrupted by a phone call from Hungry’s elderly friend, Violet Atkins.

Hungry: You’re old, you’re gonna die soon.

Hungry goes to work on befriending co-worker Tiara Angelista.

Hungry: So, are you single?

Both girls were rather tired, and Hungry tried to fix it. It didn’t go so well.

Hungry: So let’s create a tabloid story…

Hungry: We can use this bed.

Tiara: It’s got someone in it, and I’m freakin’ tired.

Hungry: OK, so I got your sister out of the bed, and then I got us both successfully cured with the mood thingy… Now, where were we?

Hungry: Oh, yes, the bed…

Tiara: Time for work! Bye!

Yeah, I’m out of here too. See you next time!