Chapter 40: Nightmares and Horror Stories

Welcome back! Sorry that Ringoosu hasn’t been able to update in awhile, he’s been really upset about Juan Epstein’s death. Signed, Ringoosu’s Mother.

Rabid: Wow, quite a mess here, what the hell happened?

Willard: We just had a fire, a few minutes ago. It was only months for the reader and narrator, not you.

Rabid: Well, good luck cleaning that shit up, I’m gonna have some cake.

Virginia: Hey Mom, wanna play Legacy?

Staccato: That sounds boring as hell.

Trust me, it is.

Sorry, the kitties won’t be in this chapter much, so here’s some kitten spam.

Pemphredo: Can I please have some cake?

EvilGenius: Yes, please, we’re STARVING.

Staccato: Cats are always starving. Your food bowl is FULL!

EvilGenius: But that food has been there at least a WHOLE HOUR!

Deino: Don’t eat me Mommy!

EvilGenius: But I’m so hungry!

Deino: I’m gonna eat you instead!

What the fuck? The doll is standing up! I knew those things were creepy.

Crowley: Finally! Back from Hell!

Hell? What the fuck are you??

Crowley: A demon, I thought you watched Supernatural.

Oh well, at least you’re not a lawyer/politician like you were on Battlestar Galactica.

Crowley: I’m not THAT evil.

Rabid: I’m so fucking sick of this garden.

You and me both. You know what? Fuck your LTW. I’m just going to let the garden rot. You did the goals for the DITFT, that’s enough for me.

Rabid: Can it just be Mr. Stevenson’s turn already?

I wish.

Crowley: Hello, I’m Crowley.

Virginia: Oh yeah, THIS is perfectly normal. Are you sure you’re not Chucky?

Virginia: You smell like dirty socks.

Crowley: That’s sulphur. Besides, you smell like piss.

Virginia: Shut up! I couldn’t get to the bathroom in time.

Crowley: Isn’t it in that door right behind you?

Virginia: SHUT UP!

Virgina: So this is how we play Legacy. First we describe what our characters look like. I will be the mommy, and you will be the daddy.

Crowley: This is so immature. What are you, eight?

Virginia: Pretty much.

Crowley: OK, then, the mommy is a ugly clown named Ditzmera.

Virginia: That’s not nice.

Crowley: You want me to play or not? We have to make this interesting at least.

Virginia: Oh yeah? Well your character is named Ghast, and he’s fat and stupid.

Crowley: Fine then. I guess we also need a last name.

Virginia: How about Alwaystoned?

Crowley: Ghast and Ditzmera Alwaystoned. It works, I guess.

Virginia: And this is our house.

Crowley: Come on, we can use our imaginations, and this is the best we came up with?

Look, I’m not going to go download or even worse, build a house for just your stupid play game.

Virginia: Oh yeah, and that’s Ringo. He’s a fucking dick.

Crowley: I’ve noticed.

Ghast: Let’s go meet the neighbors.

Ditzmera: OK, I hope they’re nice.

Ghast: Fuck that, I hope they’re hot.

Ghast: Hey babe, you got nice gams.

Alouette: Fuck off, creep.

Crowley: Hey, since when did you cuss, Virginia?

Virginia: YOU ALL RIGHT?? I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!

Ghast: Well, if you’re not going to let me get laid…OOGA BOOGA!

Alouette: AHHH YOU SCARED ME!

Ghast: Wow, I had no idea that would actually work.

Virginia: OK, Now you be Oriole, Alouette’s sister!

Crowley: Ugh, I don’t want to be a woman.

Virginia: Really? From what I’ve seen on Supernatural, that surprises me.

Crowley: I have refined tastes.

Virginia: I bet your bedroom is hot pink.

Crowley: Look, lady, you keep your homophobic stereotypes to yourself, I’m going back to playing Ghast.

Virgina: So what’s Ghast doing?

Ghast: I’m telling a ghost story.

Alouette: To whom? I’m playing with my bird.

Ghast: Just sit down already.

One ghost story later…

Alouette: That story was lame.

Ghast: Fine, let’s just go home Ditz.

Virginia: Really? You’re just going to have them watch TV?

Crowley: I got better ideas.

Ghast: You wanna play house? Well then let’s play house.

Ditz: Um, what are you doing?

Ghast: Let’s go upstairs and I’ll show you where babies come from.

Ditz: I thought you wished upon a star.

Ghast: Who told you that crap? Let me set things straight, sister.

And then Crowley went on to explain where babies come from, and I guess it went like this:

(I can’t embed this clip, so you’ll have to click on this link. Please come back when you’re done. Or go watch more Community, either’s fine with me.)

So anyway, Ditz and Ghast have the sex.

Ditz: So I’m pregnant now?

Ghast: Yep.

Ditz: How many babies do I have?

Ghast: Uh, I don’t know. Just roll a die.

Ditz: SIX? WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

Ghast: HA HA HA SUCKS TO BE YOU!

Ditz: You fucking jerk!

Ghast: Two can play that game!

Ditz: Hey, I’m pregnant remember?

Ghast: Let’s just skip to the part where the babies are born.

Ditz: OK. I had three boys and three girls.

Ghast: I named them Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby, and Cindy.

Ditz: Why?

If I have to explain this one to any of my readers, I’ll just get depressed.

Virginia: Why are the babies all in the driveway?

Crowley: I guess there’s not enough room inside.

Virginia: Shouldn’t we just imagine a bigger house?

No, you shouldn’t. More work for me.

Ghast: Babies sure cry a lot.

Ditz: Because you’re supposed to feed them and love them.

Crowley: Fuck this, let’s age them up already.

OK. Here’s Greg.

This is Marcia.

Here is… umm.. STOP THAT.

Here is Peter.

Next up is Jan.

Bobby loves his daddy.

Ghast: Whatever. Can we play Hot Wheels now?

And last and probably least is Cindy.

Ditz: And now the babies have to learn how to walk.

Ditz: And we teach them how to talk.

Ghast: Is that it?

Ditz: No, they also have to learn how to use the potty.

Crowley: Don’t be gross. Let’s just move this along, shall we?

Virginia: Fine. Just run the next batch of shots.

What ever you want, your majesty.

This is Greg.

Marcia.

Peter.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

 

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

 

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Sorry. Jan.

Bobby looks like Nathan Fillion in comparison.

Cindy. Sorry I called you least last time. Jan’s least.

Crowley: Age them up again!

Cindy: But I don’t want to have another birthday!

Look, I’ve already aged everyone else up, so eat your damn cake and like it.

Cindy: There’s cake?

Nope.

Greg.

Marcia.

Peter.

Jan. At least she didn’t almost scare me to death this time.

Bobby’s still my favorite.

Cindy. Talk about a butterface.

Crowley: Those are some fucking ugly kids.

Virginia: Yeah, let’s play dinosaurs now.

Virginia: DINO SMASH!

Virginia: SMASH!

Virginia: Smash.

Crowley: That would be the best commercial for NBC’s Smash ever.

Staccato: What the hell, Virginia?

Virginia: Dollhouses suck. And did you really want this legacy to be just based on a dollhouse story?

Staccato: No, not really. That’s WAY too much work.

You’re telling me. Anyway that’s all for now. This chapter was all done as a homage to my wife Desmera’s lovely legacy, Daydreams and Fairy Tales. I’d also like to dedicate this chapter to Dolly Parton, and leave you with a cover of one of her songs by one of the most talented artists ever.

But above all this, I wish you don’t get found dead in a hotel.

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Chapter 39: I’d Rather Be Playing Skyrim

Sorry, but it’s true. Gardening in the Sims is such a pain. But then I remembered, I have KITTIES!

Enyo or Deino is eating some kibble.

Enyo/Deino: What, you don’t know which one I am?

Sorry, I know Pemphredo is the one with white on his face, but that’s about it. Besides, you don’t know either!

Enyo/Deino: Well, how the fuck can I know if you don’t?

OK, OK, I think you’re Enyo. Because Deino has a fat face.

Deino: HEY! I do not have a fat face!

Virginia: Kitties!

Pemphredo: I have a suspicion that this small child is a vampire.

Because she is. So is every Sim in this household.

Pemphredo: WTF, man? Are you guys fatting me up to be some kind of vampire snack?

Maybe, five cats is a lot of cats, and I’ll have to figure out what to do with the extras sooner or later.

Pemphredo: *faints*

Paparazzi: What an impressing garden! Wait until I tell TMZ!

Yep, the media in this town continue to obsess over the weirdest things.

Thank god some of the plants are finally starting to die off. Here’s a tip for gardeners. Don’t grow eight of every type of plant unless you LIKE working from sun down to sun up.  Which reminds me of another tip: DON’T MAKE YOUR GARDENER A VAMPIRE! I swear it’s always summer in the Sims, because the days are so fucking long.

Rabid: What is this shit?

It’s the Vampire B Gone Elixir.

Rabid: I don’t want to drink it.

C’mon, show me how the little piggy drinks!

Rabid: That doesn’t make any sense.

OK, I was trying to get in the holiday spirit.

snort snort snort

 

Now drink up or I’ll make you watch that movie over and over.

Rabid: Fine, fine, I don’t want to turn this blog into TBS.

Rabid: BATDANCE!

Rabid: I look the same.

Yeah, I wasn’t expecting much. NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

Now that he’s a normal ghost, I can make him garden 24/7 now. Yeah, I drag his sliders up, got a problem with that? It’s not like this is a real legacy.

Virginia: Mommy! Daddy! Hungry!

Your dad is at the science facility, and your mom is at work. I hired a babysitter to feed you.

Stupid-dumb-ass-waste-of-75-simoleons babysitter: Ooh! Empty fish tanks!

I learned that cats can ruin scratching posts.

Pemphredo: I didn’t do it.

Deino?: I am lonely.

Pemphredo: Get used to it, this simmer just ignores us.

Hey! I drag your social sliders up all the time!

Pemphredo: Oh yes, that’s so fulfilling!

EvilGenius: Funny, you don’t taste like honey.

Rabid is making great progress on his garden. His other family skills? Not so much.

Rabid: I think I hear a screaming child. However, this apple looks just perfect!

Yep, perfect apples are way more important than well-adjusted children.

Staccato: There’s a screaming hungry child in here, so you’ll have to speak up.

Staccato: I think he has a birthday coming up too.

Staccato: I’ll have to check my calendar to find out when. Fuck if I can remember.

Mr. Stevenson: I feel so loved.

Mr. Swanson’s—

Mr. S.: STEVENSON!

Whatever. The kid’s third trait is Coward, to go with Clumsy and Couch Potato.

Rabid: Even though my kid’s clumsy, and is going to be a businessman, I suddenly got a wish to enroll him in the Sports Academy.

Mr. S.: Fuck this family.

Maybe if you had an imaginary friend, we’d keep you around longer.

ADORABLEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Another $2200 down, hundreds of thousands to go to top gardener. Fuck the consignment store. Still haven’t gotten any veggies back, and it’s way too much trouble to cancel them one by one. I doubt any will ever sell again either.

AUTONOMOUS PLAY TIME!

Honey Badger: That string is fascinating, really, but could someone please clean up that pile of vomit over there?

Staccato: There’s vomit everywhere, whatever happened to that damn butler.

He got tired of sleeping in the garden and quit I guess.

Staccato: Some people are so picky.

I know, right?

Honey Badger: Roly polys!

Says they’re light beetles.

Honey Badger: Look like roly polys to me, who cares anyway, I’m gonna eat ‘em.

He doesn’t make it look easy.

Honey Badger: Some kitties eat bugs!

Ew!

Meet the new butler: Willard something or other.

Willard: The sink is broken.

Why the fuck do you think you’re here?

Bad Enyo!

Deino: One. I am Deino.

Deino: Two. It is the sink, not me.

WOW! Both adults with their kid at THE SAME TIME!

Rabid: Why don’t you take a picture, it will last longer.

I did, did you forget how this blog worked?

Rabid: Oh yeah.

Staccato got a telescope so she could raise logic for her hospital job. I bet you forgot she worked in the medical career.

We got our first stray kitty visit! I tried to get the other cats to interact with him, but it kept dropping from their queue. Stupid EA.

Honey Badger: Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I’m hunting turtles.

I like turtles.

Turtle: Don’t you fuck with me, I was taught by Splinter.

Donatello: You asked for it! *whips out bō*

Honey Badger: I caught you a feather.

Rabid: I thought you said you were going to bring me a turtle.

Honey Badger: Oh, you don’t want a turtle. I heard they have salmonella.

Meanwhile, Staccato has been told at work she has to investigate some kind of mystery or some shit, so she has to get information from some lady named Genevieve.

Staccato: I look like Randolph Mantooth in this get up.

Genevieve: Who?

Staccato: Don’t worry about it, it’s one of those jokes that none of the readers will get.

Staccato: Now tell me what I want to know! MWAHAHA!

Genevieve: Perhaps you should get to know me better, like that pop up just said. And also, stop being freaking creepy.

Speaking of creepy… WTF?

Anyway, eventually after many boring social interactions Staccato gets the information that I didn’t bother to read in the pop up and now has to go to City Hall for some reason. I don’t remember the medical career being so complicated.

But City Hall was closed, so it was skill up time. Seemed to be going slower than vampire skilling used to go. Guess EA fixed that bug. Figures. Yep, EA, you just stick to fixing the bugs that make the game easier.

Garden update: I’ve planted six perfect plants, but by the time I get the last two perfect plants harvestable, the first four will probably be dead, and I’ll have to plant them again… bah. As you can see, despite the multiple number of plants that died this chapter, my garden is still an unmanageable size.

Birthday time! Once again, the butler gets to hold the child.

Uh…

Not good.

Deino: Later on, we’ll conspire… as we dream… by the fire…

Some of the household handled the disaster better than others.

It’s been too long since we’ve seen the fire department in this legacy.

Willard: Can I put the child down yet?

Um, probably not yet.

Firefighter: I wish that kid would stop screaming.

Yeah, she’s a bit upset. I wonder why?

That’s when I noticed some weird shit going down.

At first I thought the kittens were aging up, but they were still 2-3 days from adulthood. Then I realized it was the same graphic you get when you cilck on “replace.” So I think the kittens were being replaced instead of burning up or something.

Love the kitchen’s new look.

Finally, Virginia ages up.

Virginia: Wow, my cheeks are pretty sunken in.

Yeah, good thing you’re not the heir.

Virginia: That’s not nice

Sorry, did I hurt Skeletor’s feelings? That’s all for this time, I leave you with a video of Skyrim!

His bleep is upon my lips, his bleep is in my throat.

Chapter 38: Pretentious Foodie Bullshit

Ranger Rick: Love to eat sushi… love to eat sooooooshi….

That makes one of us. Oh, by the way, this is Ranger Rick. He just showed up at my lot.

Ranger Rick: Remember only YOU can prevent forest fires.

That’s Smokey the Bear.

Ranger Rick: Oh. Um… Give a hoot! Don’t Pollute!

No, that’s Woodsy Owl.

Ranger Rick: Then what does Ranger Rick say?

Fuck if I know.

Ranger Rick: Hello, I am Ranger Rick. Who are you?

EvilGenius: I’m EvilGenius, the Wolff’s new cat.

Oh yeah, I made the Wolff’s adopt another cat. The shelter named her EvilGenius, and I figured it fit the family perfectly.

Honey Badger: Hi! You’re a funny looking cat.

Ranger Rick: That’s because I’m a raccoon.

Actually, I think EA got lazy and just painted a cat in raccoon colors. Raccoons are much rounder and have little hands.

Ranger Rick: What if I hunker down like this?

Nope, still look like a raccoon-painted cat.

Honey Badger: OH NOES MONTY IS DEAD.

Good, the only good snake is a dead snake.

Staccato: When you’re finishing mourning Monty, I would like to, too.

EvilGenius: So would I.

Wow, a lot of fuss over a dead snake.

Apparently if you want kittens, you have to buy a dog house. Because that makes total sense.

Honey Badger: Hey look, it’s a fly!

EvilGenius: I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.

Honey Badger: What did she do next?

EvilGenius: She swallowed a spider to catch the fly, then a bird to catch the spider, and then a cat to catch the bird.

Honey Badger: What a stupid lady. She should have skipped straight to the cat. We catch all three of those things!

Then they all went outside to mourn Monty some more. It was getting annoying so…

Easy fix.

Honey Badger: Hey, there’s no option to have kittens here.

EvilGenius: That’s because we hardly know each other!

Honey Badger: Why can’t you just go into heat and let me fuck you already?

EvilGenius: Cause the game doesn’t work that way. You have to do friendly actions and woo me.

Honey Badger: Fuck that shit. A little help here?

Sure thing. *drags friendship slider all the way up*

EvilGenius: OK, let’s go to the fuck house.

Honey Badger: There you go. You have a nice butt.

Honey Badger: OK, you can has babies now.

EvilGenius: Babies, wait what? Why do I have to have the babies?

Honey Badger: Can’t talk, got to go play in the toilet, kthxbye.

Honey Badger: See, told you cats can catch spiders.

What are you going to do with that?

Honey Badger: I put it in the playroom because it’s a toy.

So what’s up, Rabid?

Rabid: I decided with all this produce I’ve grown, I’d get into cooking. I invited the local foodie club over to talk about delicious food and exchange recipes!

Do vampire ghosts even eat food?

Rabid: Well, I can’t get fat, so that’s an even better reason to pig out.

Jenny Lho: You’re making waffles? That is SOOO banal.

Rabid: Who doesn’t like waffles?

Jenny Lho: Oh, I don’t know, people who aren’t white trash?

Rabid: They’re a little overdone, but I’m sure with some butter and syrup they’ll be fine.

Party guest whose name is not important: Waffles? How delightfully rustic! What did you use for eggs?

Rabid: Um, I used eggs?

Party guest: YOU USED EGGS? YOU MONSTER!

None of the guests joined Rabid at the table. He then tried to talk to them about food, but they all left one by one as he approached them. Rabid found out the hard way that foodies are not interested in food.

I’m getting angry already.

 

EvilGenius is definitely pregnant, she has left this little present behind. Unfortunately, the guests have all left, or Rabid could have served them this!

What’s wrong, Virginia?

Virginia: I’ve lost Patterns!

Your vest seems to have them.

Virginia: NO! PATTERNS! My doll!

Sure enough, I look in her inventory, and all over the playroom, and no imaginary friend. DAMN YOU EA!

I then got a pop up saying EvilGenius was pregnant. Yep, that’s the look of a pregnant cat right there. I guess EA got lazy with pregnancy animations.

After the party, Staccato went out to help Rabid in the garden without getting changed first. I guess that’s her formal garden dress now.

Staccato: Hey, it’s not like we’re going to invite those douchebags over for a formal party ever again.

Honey Badger: Ooh, giant radioactive beetles! Maybe if I catch one I will become a super hero!

Honey Badger: I am, I am Superman, and I can do anything!

Honey Badger: GOT IT!

No, that’s a snake skin.

Honey Badger: Well crap. Guess there’s only one thing to do with this.

Honey Badger: Leave it on the living room floor for someone to slip on!

Rabid: What the fuck, these two plants are wilting despite being practically drenched in sprinklers.

EA.

Rabid: Yep.

Goth paparazzi: WOW! A vampire! So cool! Will you turn me please?

Staccato: No.

Goth paparazzi: Why not?

Staccato: Because I’ve seen Oddities on TV, and you people freak me out.

Goth paparazzi: Oh, come on, I only have like three jars of pickled pig parts.

Staccato: Yeah. Exactly.

Ahh! The ground is sucking Honey Badger in!

Honey Badger: I’m just fishing. I caught a perfect Koi!

So let’s proudly display it… and here’s the result. See the fish? Yep, I don’t either. So I sent Honey Badger out to catch some more fish. And the result is the same.

So I bought a different tank. Finally I can see the fish! Sort of. God, EA sucks.

Rabid went to the consignment store to find out why I haven’t made any sales in several days. Sure enough, hundreds of items were just sitting there, and in order to cancel them and try again, I had to do it ONE BY ONE! You see why I haven’t updated in three weeks? So I force killed the cashier.

Rabid: Yay! I’m finally level six of gardening! Now I just have to harvest all my very nice/excellent plants, and plant them again, and then harvest the outstanding plants that came from that… and then MAYBE some day they’ll all be perfect.

Ugh.

Rabid: EXACTLY. I got my eight plants, fuck the rest. Let’s just cake up Mr. Stevenson already.

We can’t do that. Sorry, you’re stuck for probably a half dozen more chapters. But don’t worry, I’ll probably just fill them all with more cat spam!

EvilGenius: Hey! Rabid’s home! PET ME PET ME PET ME!

Rabid: I’m going upstairs.

EvilGenius: WHY YOU IGNORE?

Don’t take it personal, he ignores his own kids too.

EvilGenius: Maybe some simmer should tell him to interact with his pets.

Meh, I’m too lazy to add you and Honey Badger to the downloads section.

EvilGenius: I mean you.

Have you read the blog?

And suddenly Patterns appears in front of the bunk bed. Weird.

Virginia: Yay! Patterns! OK, Now that you’re back, answer this question for me. Name all the presidents of the United States.

Patterns: Why?

Virginia: It’s a test, Patterns!

Patterns: *groans*

OK, enough of bad puns, it’s time to meet the new kittens!

Deino

Enyo

Pemphredo

They are named for the Graeae, gray witches from greek mythology who had one eye and one tooth to share among them. Their names translate to Dread, Horror, and Alarm. OK, I’m done. Time to play Skyrim! Thanks for reading and all that crap.