Archive for the ‘Belisama Hemlock’ Category

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Staccato Mamba: Welcome back to Got To Keep the Loonies on The Path, the best Sims blog on the web. You love GTKTLOTP. It is much better than Cats. You are going to read it again and again.

Um, what are you doing?

S. M.: Nothing.

You’re creepy.

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In case you missed Darlene Kent, here she is again. In case you didn’t miss her, well fine. She didn’t miss you either!

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Kent Kent is getting off work at his not suspicious at all warehouse.

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Cop: No, it’s very suspicious. In fact, Belisama told us exactly what you were up to. Come with me, Mr. Kent.

Kent: My own wife ratted me out? What the hell.

Cop: Wait, I just got another call. Wait right here, I’ll be back to arrest you later.

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Kent: OK.

You’re actually gonna just wait there?

Kent: You have to do what the police say.

Some future Emperor of Evil you are.

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Vlad: Hey Kent, what’s up?

Kent: I’m waiting for the police to come get me.

Vlad: Really? Why not just shoot them or something? Or even better, just leave?

Kent: That would be wrong.

Vlad: You’ve read your job description right?

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Belly: Ha ha, I got my stupid boring husband arrested.

Harley: I like dancing!

Harley, that’s all you ever do, dance like a moron, and I’m sick of it.

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There, I sold your stereo.

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Harley: Party pooper.

Look, you made Belisama dance until she couldn’t stay awake. You should be ashamed of yourself. How old are you now anyway?

Harley: My thing says 100 days. But it’s said that for weeks now.

He is never going to die. Let this be a lesson simmers, don’t let your sims become mummies.

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Hungry: Hey Kent, I came to see if I could flirt with you, and maybe you’d rather woohoo than stand in the sun and rot.

Kent: Aren’t we related?

Hungry: Bah, who keeps track of that stuff.

I know the Sims doesn’t, I’d make a family tree if the game didn’t go around deleting the in game one before I could remember who was who. But I think Hungry, is Clarka’s daughter, and Kent is Clark’s grandson and Ethan was Hungry’s first cousin, so Kent and Hungry are first cousins once removed. So that makes Rabid and Staccato Mamba second cousins once removed to each other. And I’m my own grandpa.

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Kent: Hmm, I can smell my own flesh burning. I hope that cop comes back soon.

He really had “Wait” and “Jail” locked in his queue and I couldn’t delete it. I guess I could have reset him, but it’s only Kent.

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Hungry: Lady, I’m sorry I cheated on you last chapter.

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Lady: That’s ok. Do I know you? Are you the nurse who gives me my pudding? Let’s make out.

Hungry: Old people rock.

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Lady: I’ve been to the moon!

Hungry: Then again, senility gets old fast, I’m out of here.

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Hey, where’d Kent go? I guess he got tired of waiting. He left behind a mess though.

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Oh. I guess that mess IS Kent.

Death: I THINK THIS IS MY DUMBEST CUSTOMER EVER.

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Kent looks cooler as a ghost, though.

Death: DO YOU THINK IF I TOLD HIM TO WAIT FOR ME TO COME BACK HE WOULD STAND HERE FOREVER?

Yeah, but that would be a lot like shooting fish in a barrel.

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Bunny Vampire Toddler has no idea her daddy just died. Or that she’s about to become an orphan because…

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Cop: Belisama Kent! You are under arrest! Just wait there a moment though.

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Belly: I don’t think so!

Like I was going to let the cops kill off ALL my vampires.

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Belly, what the hell are you driving?

Belly: My lemon car.

Hellz no. I didn’t earn over 2 million simoleons for my family so you could drive POS cars.

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Belly: Maybe a drink at The Prosper Room will help me get over my husband’s death.

You mean the husband you ratted out to the police?

Belly: Shut up.

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Pianist: And here’s a song I wrote especially for Belisama Kent!

Did you use “Think about me” on her?

Belly: *whistles innocently*

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Jeffrey Cook: This drink is lousy! What kind of bartender are you anyway??

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Bartender: I’m really an accountant.

Jeffrey: Ugh, I’m going back to the bar that has the women in the swimsuits serving drinks.

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Nothing ghosts love more than playing video games! Hungry, why don’t you sit on the same couch as Monk?

Hungry: Ghosts have cooties.

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Can someone please explain to me why maids and butlers just won’t finish my laundry, even with four pairs of working washers and dryers available?

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Meanwhile, Vlad and Belly are really hitting it off.

Belly: Exercising is awesome!

I guess it is if you can get zero to 10 athletic in one exercise session… personally, I’d rather watch TV.

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Vlad: So now that we established we have so much in common, how about we put one of these beds to use… Hey, did you just change clothes?

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Belly: Yeah, I got to go to work.

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Later that night, Vlad had better luck.

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Yep, just a bit better, I’d say.

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OK, quite a DAMN bit better.

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Hungry: Hey Belly, you planning on raising this kid anytime soon?

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Seriously, where the hell is that butler?

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I get the feeling she’s in this for the free bed.

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Hungry: A dressing dummy would do a better job of raising you.

S. M.: DUMMY!

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Dammit, he’s dancing again. Time to sell another stereo.

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There, you can just quietly watch TV and stop distracting the other sims.

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Harley: Come dancing! It’s only natural.

No, they’re not going to come dancing *sells guitar*

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Just clean the damn house. No one else will.

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That’s a good mummy. Wouldn’t this make an awesome detergent commercial? I can picture it now…

Harley: Are you happy with your wash?

Shopper: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Congratulations Hungry on your promotion to Lead Actress.

Hungry: I’m replacing Sandra Bullock in Speed 3: Automatic Pilot.

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Hungry then visits the theater to pick up her Green Orb award.

Hungry: This is the filthiest theater ever! Look at all the bugs!

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Belly: Yes you are the father! What the hell? Who else would I have slept with??

Vlad: Your husband?

Belly: Oh yeah, I had a husband.

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Vlad: I’m finally gonna be a father!

Belly: What about Rabid?

Vlad: Oh yeah, I have a son.

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Belly: So Vlad and I are having a baby, and we thought we’d just go ahead and move out and start a new life together, kthxbye.

Hungry: Congrats, I’m happy for you? (Hmm, I think she’s forgetting something.)

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Hungry: Crap!

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Hungry: I feel like I’ve spent more time with this kid than I did my own.

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Rabid: I just got 10 levels of drums!

Show off.

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They’ve all gone to the Brightmore for a birthday party! Is it Belly’s birthday?

No…

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Is it Rabid’s?

No…

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Is it Hungry’s?

Well, yes, but we’re not celebrating it because the game for some stupid reason wouldn’t let be blow out her candles or age her up, so I guess I’ve got two immortals in my household.

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But no birthday party of mine is gonna end with no payoff, so the bartender has to take a bullet.

Bartender: But I’m only 37!

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Not anymore! Sucker!

Tune in next time when the bartender probably dies of old age.

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What’s up, Kent Kent?

Kent: I’m jogging to work out for my job.

Are you sure that’s a good idea?

Kent: Why wouldn’t it be?

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Because you’re a vampire.

Kent: *smells burning flesh* Oh.

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Hungry has been asked to promote a restaurant to a few Sims. But of course, it wouldn’t be Hungry if she didn’t try to get some action first.

Hungry: Wanna join the mile high club?

Lil Bling: Wouldn’t we have to be on the plane first?

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Hungry: You should eat at this restaurant… I can’t remember the name of it.

Steve’s. You know, it’s the only bistro in town.

Hungry: Steve’s! Eat there!

Lil Bling: Such a convincing sell there.

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Is it baby time already?

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Nope, Belisama is just working out.

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Kent Kent is working out too. Although he is a vampire, and at level 6 athletics, it seems it’s taking him the normal amount of time to get to level 7. However, it does seem he doesn’t get fatigued.

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Belisama gets to level 10 in a matter of minutes though. Why are you so determined Belly?

Belisama: Don’t call me Belly! I’m trying to work this gut off!

Um, you’re pregnant remember?

Belly: Oh, yeah.

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Hungry: Are you Lady Cook?

Lady Cook: Yes I am.

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Hungry: Make me a meal!

Lady Cook: Um, Cook is just a last name. Not my job.

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Hungry: Things are really Cooking now.

Lady: When I’m with you I’m smiling.

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Jeffrey doesn’t feel the same way.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention, I got bored and explored the catacombs while waiting for morning, so that’s why Hungry looks like Chef Anne again.

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The three of them head upstairs. Jeffrey wanted to get a book. Hungry, well, had other ideas.

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Hungry: Jeffrey, be a good boy and wait outside

Jeffrey: OK.

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After having an after-sex garlic bulb, Hungry struts over to tell Lady about Steve’s.

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Hungry: You should eat at that bistro, I didn’t vomit.

Lady Cook: You smell like garlic.

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Hungry, you look silly strutting everywhere.

Hungry: I like to strut!

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The laundry at home has gotten out of hand, and the cleaning company sends two maids every day who charge me $250 to do nothing.

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So I thought I’d give them a little help.

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After they both made short work of athletics, Belly and Rabid tackle chess.

Belly: G 4.

Rabid: You sunk my Knight!

That’s not how you play…

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Back at the Cook household, Hungry works on the third recommendation.

Hungry: Do you like magic tricks involving linked rings?

Cressida Wells: I guess.

Lady Cook: Oh look, it’s my favorite ghost!

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Lady Cook: I don’t like ghosts anymore.

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Lady Cook: Oh well, ghosts will be ghosts.

That’s the spirit! Get it? Spirit!

Lady Cook: I’m going to bed.

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Hungry: What do you mean you only have one double bed in this house?

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Hungry: Oh, well, back to flirty.

Cressida: Now I feel very alluring!

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Cressida: And now I think you’re extremely irresistible!

Lady Cook: Nice bed…

Hungry: Crap!

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Hungry: Hah!

Lady Cook: I am tired, but I don’t like Hungry enough to get in that bed.

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Hungry: Quick! While the old people are gone!

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Hungry: So, Steve’s. Eat it.

Cressida: I’m a vampire. So no.

Hungry: Too bad, that star means I get credit anyway! Bye!

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Hungry is in need of a promotion, so she waits in Emmy Starr’s bed. Unfortunately, Alan Stanley is already there.

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Hungry: Unfortunately? How is that unfortunate? I like people in beds!

Um, yeah, but don’t you want to ask Emmy for a promotion?

Hungry: I can do that after.

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Hungry: So, Emmy, how about we get in bed together?

Emmy: No. I don’t like you, you homewrecker.

See, I told you it was a bad idea.

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Back at the lemon house, Belly goes into labor.

Belly: Can’t I go to the hospital?

Mmmmmm… No. I’m busy with Hungry.

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Hungry: Don’t you see I love you?

Emmy: I’m tired of your lies.

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Belly: Hellloooo, I had the baby!

OK, fine, meet Staccato Mamba, who is Friendly and Good. Back to Hungry!

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Hungry: I’m sorry I ruined your marriage.

Emmy: Oh well, that’s OK. I’m a lousy wife and mother anyway.

Why do you say that?

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Oh.

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Hungry: So you like cooking too?

Emmy: Yeah, hey, want some pancakes?

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Hungry: I don’t feel so good.

Yeah, I don’t think Emmy’s completely forgiven you. That empty plate says you just ate “Spoiled Pancakes: Bad Quality.”

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Emmy: OK, we’re even now.

Hungry: Your baby cries a lot.

Emmy: I know, right?

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Hungry: Can I have a promotion?

Emmy: OK, you’re a level 8 actress!

I think work would have been easier than this.

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Belly goes and gets a job.

Belly: Yeah, I was going to fence the baby, but they said they don’t do that, so I got a job instead.

So now we have four family members working at the warehouse. Unless Harley retired. I don’t really pay attention to him anymore.

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Because Vampires are totally awesome at music, I formed a band. Meet The Dire Wolves!

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Because the maids are still charging me twice as much to do no work at all, I had a cleaning day.

And the house still didn’t get cleaned. Thankfully Master Controller finally took care of it. We’ll see if it stays clean.

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I think Belly got arrested, but she’s riding up front with the cop, so maybe she’s an informant.

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Because Belly is in prison, she misses her daughter’s first birthday.

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Happy Birthday little Staccato! Can you tell she’s a vampire?

Thank you, good night, now it’s time to go home.

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We’ll begin today’s chapter with an impossibly hard quiz. Who is this visiting the Wolff-Schlick household?

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If you guessed John Locke, you are wrong. It’s Monk Breckman!

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Vlad, your family has 2.5 million simoleons in cash. Why are you driving a jalopy?

Vlad: Because someone was too lazy to buy more cars.

Damn that Ethan.

Vlad: Yeah, Ethan…

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Vlad: I’m tired, and the sun burns my skin.. why are you sending me to city hall?

We’re going to sue for the slander about you breaking up with your wife.

Vlad: But I did break up with my wife.

Shut up. Frivolous lawsuits are as American as Apple pie.

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Vlad: Don’t blame me, but we lost.

Of course I’m going to blame you. Blaming others is even MORE American than apple pie.

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Kent Kent goes to the warehouse to get a new job. Someone wants to be Emperor of Evil. Don’t you know that’s Vlad’s lifetime wish?

Kent: I’ve met Vlad. I’m not worried.

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Ethan: The TV is broken. Where the hell is that butler?

You know, I haven’t seen him in weeks. I guess I’ll call a repair man.

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Crap, he’s blonde.

Blonde Repairman: What am I doing?

Hopefully fixing things.

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Blonde Repairman: I don’t see anything that needs repair.

Well, there’s the TV, and RIGHT BEHIND YOU is a broken computer…

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Blonde Repairman: Broken computer? I’ll get right on it. This is it right?

*sigh* Whatever.

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I find Hungry over at Bianca Rubble’s place. What’s up Hungry?

Hungry: I’m at a party.

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Um, looks hopping…

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Bianca: Oh, the party I was having was TONIGHT? I totally forgot… I feel so awful.

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Hungry: I guess we can find other things to do…

Bianca: I don’t even remember inviting you but OK!

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Hungry: Oh, look. Now we’re in bed.

Bianca: This is going a bit fast…

Hungry: Shut up, or you’ll end up like Renee.

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Hungry: Great party! I’m outta here!

Bianca: Will I see you again?

Hungry: Nope!

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Vlad: WORK OFF THAT FAT YOU SLOB!!!

Harley: Um, I’m pretty much a dehydrated corpse…

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Meet Celina Jung, our new butler.

Celina: Nice shot you got of me here.

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As you can see, our previous butler left a lot of work for Celina.

Celina: Can you show my face please?

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Fix the damn sink not the garbage disposal!

Celina: I demand a proper introduction first.

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Fine. This is our new butler, Celina Jung.

NOW FIX THE DAMN SINK.

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Celina: OK! Off to do laundry!

Vlad: I’m gonna work you ‘til you die!

Harley: OK, this will take awhile…

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Celina: Oh boy! It’s my favorite song! EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT! EVERYBODY WAYNE CHUNG TONIGHT!

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And then she finally fixed the sink. So I didn’t have to use Master Controller’s Kill command on her.

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Vlad: I AM TOTALLY GOING TO SHIT ON YOU!

Harley: Worst. Trainer. Ever.

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Aw, Lakisha and Ethan still sleep together.

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Hungry makes a new friend.

Hungry: So where do you live little boy?

Rabid: I live here. I’m your son.

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Hungry: I had a son?

Rabid: With Vlad Schlick.

Hungry: Oh, I divorced him.

Rabid: I know, it put me in a bad mood for two whole days.

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Vlad: Could you turn that down? I’m trying to read this book for work.

Hungry: *turning up volume* SHH! I am trying to watch TV!

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We finally found something that could stop Hungry from barging in anywhere she wants. Broken elevators. Some guy named Richie Striker kept using it, and resetting him didn’t fix it. I finally had to reset the whole lot just to go down one floor. You know EA, stairs aren’t that hard to build.

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While waiting to fix the elevator, Hungry chatted up Hannah Smyth.

Hungry: Let’s go have sex in the elevator.

OK, maybe “chatted up” isn’t the right phrase as much as “rudely propositioned.”

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Could switching to Geico really save you 15% over the other company’s car insurance? Is Hungry Lyktha Wolff a slut?

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That’s one satisfied pirate.

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Finally, Hungry is able to dance at the Brightmore, which was the reason she came here in the first place, to fill a celebrity opportunity.

Hungry: This new dance is called the I AM SLEEPY!

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Kent: GRR! I’m a Vampire!

Um. Edward Cullen is more frightening than you.

Kent: Oh yeah? Watch this!

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Kent: You are a bad dancer! See, I am evil.

Sure you are.

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Time for Hungry’s birthday transition into an adult!

Vlad: Hope it’s chocolate for me…

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See the difference? Keep looking.. it’s there…

 

 

 

OK, it’s the same. JUST LIKE ALWAYS. I still don’t understand what the purpose of the Young Adult to Adult transition is.

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Kent, why are you standing in the middle of the graveyard?

Kent: I have a hot date.

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Kent: Good thing you came, Belisama. Now I don’t have to punch you in the face.

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Kent: Will you be my girlfriend? If you say no, I will stand out in the sun until I turn to ashes.

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Belisama: OK, I guess I say yes then.

Bartender: This relationship is fucked up.

Just be glad you haven’t been following this family for five generations.

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Kent: Marry me, and I will give you a really expensive ring!

Belisama: OMG I LOVE RINGZ!

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And so they got married in a bar in a tomb in a graveyard. And if that wasn’t weird enough, the bartender cackled maniacally during the whole ceremony.

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Hungry: So my cousin or whatever has married your daughter.

Morrigan: So what does that make us?

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Hungry: Distant enough that we can do this!

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Morrigan: You know now it’ll be awkward between us at family gatherings right?

Hungry: You haven’t been to my family gatherings. I have awkward relationships with all of them.

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Belisama and Kent almost look normal here…

Belisama: I–

Shut up, don’t ruin this for me.

Belisama: But I was only going to say —

No. I won’t hear it.  Next picture!

Belsama: But–

NEXT PICTURE!

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It’s Rabid’s birthday!

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And now he’s a Schmoozer. Great.

Belisama: BIRTHDAYZ R AWESUM!

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OK, now I can’t find the butler again.

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That’s all for this chapter. I’ll leave it to you to guess what happens to Belisama in the next chapter.

Belisama: I bet I have a baby. I’m wearing maternity clothes, and thinking about pregnancy. I think they could guess that.

Well, yeah, that was the obvious joke. You suck.