Chapter 21. Something Strange in the Neighborhood

After three generations have grown up in the house that Andy Breckman built threw together at random, it was time the family packed up and moved on…

Charlene: You forgot me!

She could have just stayed behind, I was just putting them on a vacant lot until the new house was ready.

Yep, I downloaded a Mod The Sims house. I stink at building, and wanted to use a real house. Also, I just love waiting 5 minutes for the graphics to load.

Ethan: Hey, look there’s a tomb down here.

Be careful, there might be a mummy.

Ethan: Oh boy! Maybe he’ll read me a story.

I guess raising kids with a mummy has interesting side effects.

Mummy with really long Egyptian name I didn’t write down: LOVE.  LOOOOOOVEEEE!

I guess he’s friendly.

And the object of his affection is Harley!

Ethan, on the other hand, he doesn’t care for.

And the big prize at the end of the tomb is…

Ethan: Nectar.

Well, that could be a nice collection…

Ethan: Two bottles.

Set the mummy on fire.

Ethan: I liked my old garden better.

Well, you just mastered gardening, so you don’t need it.

Ethan: I caught a frog.

Kermit: Why are there so many songs about rainbows? WHAT DOES IT MEAN???

Ethan: Now to max out fishing at the only place spookier than home.

Ghost: Boo!

Ethan: Are you kidding me? My house is haunted, and my aunt is a flaming ghost just like you.  And my wife is a GHOST BUSTER! Who’s scared now?

Ghost: Oh, look at the time, I’m missing “Paid Programming.”

Ethan: Mastered fishing, and caught a death fish.

Ah, so that’s what “You’ll catch your death” means.

Ethan: The library isn’t as much fun any more now that I’m allowed to be here.

Try working in one, it gets even worse. (Librarian)

Darlene: Ha ha, your furniture texture isn’t loaded!

Consignment store guy: Do you want me to go to YOUR house with a calendar?

Guess what I sold right after this picture was taken?  Yeah, I’m mean, but I really can’t stand hearing the same simlish songs over and over, and Harley won’t do anything but dance and work out if I let him.

Ethan moves on to handiness, and manages not to electrocute himself.  I really want to see what Lakisha would do with a ghost spouse.

Ethan: What?

Nothing.

Speaking of which, lets see what Winston Zeddemore is up to.

Lakisha: I want to be Peter Venkman!

No.

Lakisha: Ray Stantz?

No.

Lakisha: Not even Egon Spangler?

Nope.

Lakisha: Meany.

Lakisha: This house is a mess.

Yeah, you’re busting ghosts here several chapters too late.

Look, it’s the oldest member of the Breckman-Kent family!

Luke: DOORBELL. MAYBE I WILL FINALLY FIND A NEW FRIEND. IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE MY BUDDIES MONK AND GURTON DIED, AND MY WI-

Just shut up already and get the door.

Luke: IT IS MY EMPLOYEE, ETHAN KENT.

Ethan: A simbot!  Why was I here again? Oh yeah. Can I—A SIMBOT!

Hours (and I do not exaggerate) later…

Ethan: Oh, right. Can I have a promotion?

Luke: SURE YOU DO NOT WANT TO YELL “A SIMBOT” AGAIN?

Ethan: A SIMBOT? Where?

Luke: JUST TAKE YOUR PROMOTION AND GO.

Of course, Luke then gave him the day off so he wouldn’t earn another promotion too soon (Can’t have THAT now, can we?) But we had a productive day anyway.  Except for no one getting killed.

Ethan: What?

Nothing.

Ethan: I wonder how I can improve the meal quality from my stove. I know, beat the glass top range with a hammer!

Ethan: Hmm, how shall I make the microwave cook faster.

Bang it with a hammer?

Ethan: BANG IT WITH A HAMMER!

Ethan: Hmm, make the fireplace auto-light…

Bang it with a hammer?

Ethan: BANG IT WITH A HAMMER!

Meanwhile Winston–

Lakisha: Lakisha!

Winston is continuing to bust ghosts, and advance faster than Ethan. Here she is in the Bachelor home. Toni, the bald chick in the back is the town tart. Her hairstyle draws the guys like flies.

And then she sells all the ghosts to the science lab. I don’t know what they do with them, but I hope it’s not keep them in a container for William Atherton to turn off, and set all the ghosts free and cause chaos everywhere.

Ethan: Time to upgrade the trash compactor.

Bang it with a hammer?

Ethan: Don’t be silly.

There’s a strange woman in our shower!

Lakisha: It’s me! I’m washing my hair!

Oh, hi Winston.

Lakisha: (sighs)

Finally found the computer Clark?

Clark: It was on the third floor. Took me 2 days to climb all the stairs.  I need a laptop.

Harley: LAPTOP? NO SEE LAPPPPPTOOOOPPPP!

Ah! Strange woman in the bedroom!

Lakisha: It’s me La— Winston. Did you expect me to sleep in that hair?

Kind of.

Oh yeah, Ethan, I forgot to mention something.

Ethan: FIRE! FIRE!

That fireplace…

Ethan: Yeah?

It WAS fireproof, before you made it auto-light.

Ethan: Oops. Sorry.

Don’t apologize to me, you should apologize to Mr. Pyrophobe.

Around this time, Lakisha was finally able to change her lifetime wish from Tomb Explorer.  Unfortunately, they were all still WA picks.

So I chose the 20,000 worth of relics one. Piece of cake. Thanks Beef Supreme!

B. S.: Don’t mention it.

Oh, hai.

Here’s America’s Next Food Network Star, HARLEY BULL!

Harley: Egggggs.  EGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS!

Ok, he got cut in the first round.

Charlene: I wish I wasn’t a Kent!

Charlene: I’m starving! What do I do?

Eat your cake? Yeah, you’re still a Kent, all right.

Charlene: Are you sure?

You just aged up at a 8 AM birthday party in your underwear. You’re a Kent. And a kleptomaniac!

AND, you don’t know how to play foozball with another person properly.

AND… You watch the kids channel as a teenager.

Charlene: OK, OK, I get it.

Ethan: Don’t I look bad ass on my bike?

In that outfit? No.

Ethan: But I’ll get a promotion today, that’ll get me a new outfit!

Yeah, that one is TOTALLY bad ass.

Ethan: Shut up.

Lakisha: How does the poltergeist lift this shower without totally destroying the tile?

I dunno, same way it sucked Carol Ann into the TV?

Hey, wait a minute, I know this homeowner! Hi Clarka, how’s the family?

Clarka: Family?

You know, your daughter? Hungry Lyktha?

Clarka: Oh, her. She’s over there.

Um, nice parenting. Hey wait a minute, why is she STILL a baby?

Clarka: Who?

Nevermind.

Lakisha: Hmm, maybe I should introduce myself to my Aunt-in-law.

Clarka: OK, you can leave now.

Lakisha: Not even a thank you.

Well, that’s Clarka!  And with that, I think it’s also time for YOU to leave. Bye now!

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Chapter 19. The Curtains Flew and He Appeared

What most people don’t know about the ancient Egyptians, is that they were very good at fixing computers.

And Clark is the most interesting heir ever. Write, writer, write! WRITE WRITE WRITE!

Beef Supreme finally decides to get healthy, so she goes jogging. Seems like only yesterday she was passing out playing tag.

And a little swimming as well.

B.S.: I don’t want to be a funny looking ghost.

Isn’t there an easier way?

B.S.: I completely forgot we had this.

Probably because you lost interest once you found out it wasn’t a giant hot dog maker.

Well, that’s better, but still…

B.S.: Yeah, I still look like a mummy.

Speaking of mummies, what is Harley up to?

Now that he has a bit of handiness, Harley decided to just randomly beat on things with a hammer just to see what happens.

Harley: Tinker.. TINKERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beef will kill you if you break her food replicator.

She’s got other things on her mind right now though.

B.S.: Basically, I just don’t want to look like a mummy.

Stylist: So, like a new hairstyle?

B.S.: No. No. My face.

Stylist: Paisley really suits you.

B.S.: NO NO NO! YOU DID NOTHING FOR MY FACE AT ALL.

Stylist: Do you like flowers better?

B. S.: Dammit, just give me the makeup.

B.S.: Finally! I look like a normal person.

I think you overdid the makeup.

B.S.: What do you mean?

Stylist: How about this dress?

B.S.: Fine, fine, I’ll take it.

I guess you were just getting gussied up to have a date with Death!

B.S.: Story of my life.

Death: I’M SORRY I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE BEEF SUPREME KENT, HAVE YOU SEEN HER?

B.S.: I’m right here, I had some work done.

Darlene: Ow, your scythe is in my eye.

Clark: I need to get back to my writing. Bye Mom!

Darlene: So, you just take everyone eventually?

Death: USUALLY WHILE THEY SLEEP. WELL, GOOD NIGHT!

Darlene: I think we should have another baby. I mean, life is pretty short.

Clark: It might make a good book!

Darlene: I’m not in the mood anymore.

Clark: What’d I say?

While everyone else went right back to normal, I took care of burying my first legacy born sim.  I guess I should have held a funeral, I’m a bad simmer.

Darlene: Look, I’m not having a baby just for you to write a book about.

Clark: Not even on a DARE?

Darlene: You know me too well.

Actually, he doesn’t, which is why it took three tries to get the couple to woohoo. They were practically strangers with Clark hiding behind the PC all the time. I told you, I’m a bad simmer.

Harley: BANG BANG BANG!

EA is so accurate on their skill learning.

Ethan: Why am I gardening?

You wanted to be a Creature Robot Cross Breeder. The science career needs fishing and gardening.

Ethan: I hate the outdoors.

Oh, I forgot that.

Ethan: And yet you let me lock in an outdoor job. You’re…

I know, I know! I’m a bad simmer!

Ethan: Fishing is SOOOO much fun! I just LOOOOOOVE it.

You know, I could dump my first born heir rule any time now.

Ethan: Oh no! Then I’d have to move out of the ugliest house in Sunset Valley! How shall I ever cope!

Or I could just go back to playing World of Warcraft and delete this whole thing.

Ethan: Better get to work fixing this tub so I can be the best scientist ever!

Glad you’re on board.

Ethan: Awesome! I can read the skills INSIDE!

You might want to keep track of the time though.

Ethan: Nah, thanks to moodlet manager I don’t need to sleep.

Ethan: I just got arrested.

Cop: You are out past curfew, and are therefore a juvenile delinquent!

Ethan: I was reading. In the library.

Cop: And I can’t think of anything more dangerous.

Wow, tempting fate, are we?

Ethan: I’m not listening to some Glenn Beck-loving cop.

Cop: Stop that readin’!

Darlene: HA! I win the dare!

Ethan: OK, it’s day time, can I read now?

Cop: Can’t talk now, busy. Hey baby, wanna get down with a cop?

Lady: Get off me! Not only am I married, I’m PREGNANT!

SVPD is by far the worst PD in the country.

Lady: You’re telling me, look what they did to me when they caught ME reading after curfew!

Aw, Ethan’s a widdle angel, donating to charity.

Ethan: Shut up.

Darlene: Baby coming! Where’s my husband?

You had to ask?

Darlene: Fine, I’ll just deliver her myself. And name her Charlene.

Quaint.

And Harley once again becomes the main caregiver of the child.

Harley: Baby. BABBBBYYYYYYYY!

Harley: Thanks for the pond on the lot, I guess. There’s SOMETHING I can do in the middle of the night with this city’s insane curfew laws.

Clarkette: Nyah, nyah, I’m an adult and can go anywhere I want at night, including other people’s lots uninvited!

Wow, sweet wheels, Clark.

Clark: I thought I’d spend all this money before my son gave it all away to charity.

Clark: Including the biggest underground garage ever.

You’re such a generous guy.

The garden’s getting rather big.

Ethan: Yeah, but can you do something about these gnomes? They’re freaking me out.

Ethan fishes so much, he starts skilling it in his sleep. I’m a bug abuser!

Clark: Woah, what’s going on here?

You just wrote/painted your life away, and now you’re old.

Clark: Drat.

Clark: Oh well, back to work!

Most boring sim ever.

And Ethan finally figures out he can read at home!

Ethan: Shut up, it’s EASIER at the library, that’s all.

And one more birthday before we go.

Oh, I forgot earlier, Charlene is an absent minded virtuoso.

Harley: Bad simmer! BAD SIMMMM-

I KNOW ALREADY.

And that’s all for today!

Charlene: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

At least someone is sad when the blog’s over.

Charlene: No, I’m hungry.

Chapter 18. Burning the Ground, I Break from the Crowd

Welcome back. Today we’re watching Ethan do his best impression of Sisyphus. I don’t know why they never learn it helps to fix the leak first.

Clarka spent her LTH points to change her LTW to Gold Digger. I figured it suited her better, and besides I wasn’t going to do Illustrious Author twice.  And she already knew a rich old dude.

Thornton: I don’t like kids.

Clarka: Don’t worry, you won’t see our kids to toddlerhood.

Thornton: What?

Clarka: You’re 89, shouldn’t you enjoy life while you can?

Thornton: I know you blew up my furniture, but making out totally makes up for it.

Clarka: Marry me, and you can have a bed to sleep in again!

Thornton: I can’t commit to something long term.

Clarka: You’ll be gone in a week tops!

Clarka: C’mon you’ll have this every night.

Thornton: All Five of them?

Thornton: I feel like Bill Murray in Ghostbusters.

Clarka: How about now?

Thornton: Why buy the cow when you can get the ectoplasm for free?

Clarka: OK, you get some shut-eye, I’ll be in the other room.

Thornton: Time to casually run again!

Thornton: I shall casually stand over here, until the fire goes out.

Clarka: How about you just move in, we’ll take it slow.

Thornton: OK.

Thornton: Now that I’m living here, I have a sudden urge to marry you.

Yeah, funny how that works.

And so they got married, right then and there.

Thornton: Til death do us part? How does that work, you’re already dead.

Clarka: But you’re not… yet.

Thornton: Jeez, you sure have a lot of fires here. Why are all these picnic tables so close together anyway?

Thornton: I’m filled with the urge to urinate.

B. S.: Dude, you’re on fire.

Darlene: I got this!

And then she put Thornton out. I wasn’t very happy.

Thornton: I’m really not liking it here. I’m tired, I’m singed, and you’re constantly insulting me.

Clarka: I have no idea why you’re so tired. *ZAP*

This is the most undignified I’ve ever seen Thornton.

Thornton: I think I just urinated on the carpet.

OK, THIS is the most undignified I’ve seen Thornton.

Thornton: I’ve pissed myself, I’m singed, smelly, and tired beyond belief. How can my life gets worse.

Clarka: Thornton, I have declared you a nemesis.

Thornton: What the hell did I do to you??

Clarka: I’ve just never liked your sideburns.

Clarka: Now I’m pregnant with a baby Wolff.

Darlene: Why all this focus on Clarka, she’s not even part of the heir bloodline.

Because you and Clark are so boring? OK, quick update. Darlene is a level 9 Secret Agent.

She got an opportunity to learn Martial Arts.

Darlene: Wow, they didn’t even ask me to go to China first.

Yeah, I hate the opportunities that do that.

Ethan got invited over to Johnpaul Jacobsen’s house.  Looks like Mortimer moved out when his parents died.

Ethan: What kind of name is Johnpaul?

Johnpaul: It’s not too bad, you should see my sister Georgeringo.

Darlene: Look, I made yellow belt!

Still boring.

Darlene: Boring??? Fine, I’ll show you interesting. Oh, and I got my LTW, International Super Spy.

Darlene: See, I’m raiding the criminal warehouse.

You went into a rabbit hole, and later I got text. STILL BORING.

Look who’s visiting for the first time in a long long time!

Gurton: Wait, you never invite people over. This must mean something.

Gurton: I knew it!

So long Gurton. Beef has now outlived all her siblings.

B. S.: Yay for death flowers!

Sim rule no. 1: Death never happens by itself.

Clarka: Why does it hurt so much to give birth to an ethereal baby?

Thornton: I insist my child be born in the hospital!

Clarka: Shouldn’t you DRIVE then?

It’s a girl! She was born with the traits Clumsy, and Hates the Outdoors.  Do you have a name, Clarka?

Clarka: Hungry Lyktha Wolff.

Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo.

Clarka: OK, all the dressers lined up… Bookshelf blocking the door… detonator on the desk… Looks like we’re ready to go.

Thornton: You put this dresser too close to the bed. I can’t get out.

Clarka: You’re right honey! You’re trapped, and now the room is on fire!

Thornton: I can’t get out of bed to respond properly to the fire!

Thornton: It is nice and warm and comfy though.

The rest of the family has their own response to the fire.

Darlene: I can’t get to the fire to put it out!

You’re one floor directly below it. Did you even go upstairs to check?

Funny how it stays to one room like that.

No pressure on Thornton yet.

Thornton: Could someone please move this dresser already? I am now on fire too.

Thornton: My backside is on fire, and I’m getting rather put out.

Thornton: Finally, most of the fire has gone out. But I have “Expire” set in my queue, but I can not do that properly with this dresser in the way!

Clarka: Fine, I’ll put out the fire so you can die.

Thornton: Thank you kindly.

Thornton: Hello! The dresser!

Clarka: Got it.

Thornton: That just made more fire! I can’t die properly in this mess!

Clarka: Fine, I will put it out again. Why do you have to be so difficult, Thornton? … Thornton? … THORNTON!

Thornton: …

Maybe this is the least dignified I’ve ever seen Thornton.

Death: SORRY I AM SO LATE, YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE THE TRAFFIC.

Clarka: I’m SO heartbroken.

Death: WHAT’S THE +20,000 MEAN?

Clarka: Oh, nothing.

Clark: I’m Evil and all, so I don’t give a rat’s ass about your dead husband, but that’s the LAST time you will burn my stuff! GET OUT!

Clarka: You have my baby!

Clark: Oh, sorry. Take that too.

And so Clarka and Hungry moved out, and Clark went back upstairs to hide away painting.

Clark: Remember that fire we had? It was pretty cool.

B. S.: My son-in-law died, and you kicked out my daughter and grandchild over it.

Clark: STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

Ethan: I wish I age up with a shirt on!

Ethan: Score!

Nice hair too. So Ethan is now a loner, which should go well with his LTW I locked in as a child, Creature Robot Crossbreeder.

Ethan: Now I can learn gardening, so off to the library I go.

Sandi French has confused the library with the beach.

Ethan takes no notice, and just keeps on reading. Maybe this will be my last generation, if this does nothing for him.

Also in the library was Ethan’s cousin, Darlene Bunch (Daughter of Ethan Bunch.) Confused? Yeah. Bunches don’t have that many names.  I have no idea what she’s so pissed about. Being a Bunch, I guess.

Clark finally got level 10 painting, meaning he has his LTW, Illustrious Author completed! Yay! Now I just need to chain him back to his computer so he can get level 10 in the writing career. Which will probably take even longer, since it seems only the FIRST royalty payment counts.

Thanks for reading!  Tune in next time, when nothing gets set on fire or gets blown up. I think. Sorry.

Chapter 17. It’s a Jungle Out There

We got the phone call that Monk Breckman wasn’t going to be around much longer, so Clarka went over to visit her uncles.  Since Monk was about to die, Clarka decided not to blow his house up.

Clarka invited her uncle home to say goodbye to his family. Monk had reached that stage of life where you think you are Jean Luc Picard.

Monk: Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra!

If I let Monk spend too much time with Ethan, the social worker will show up to take him away to prevent him from becoming a Trekkie.

B. S.: Something happens and I’m Head over Heels.

Monk: We’re boldly going where no one has gone before.

Five feet off the ground? Every townie’s been there.

Death: SORRY CAPTAIN, YOUR TIME IS UP.

Monk: OK, NOW I’m going where no one has gone before.

That’s probably true, I stuck him in Clarka’s inventory.

Clark: I guess Uncle Monk died, cause I’m having a birthday!

Clarka: What’s this “become a responsible adult” crap?

Most unusual training regimen ever.

$125 a day. Totally worth it!

Yay! Ethan will finally get interesting!  One of these days I will totally start caking the little worms the day they’re born.

Maid: I just woke up. Time for free food?

Once again, $125. A day.

He got the family cyan eyes.

Ethan loves his mommy!

Ethan: Cause I don’t look like her!

Yeah, you caught a REAL lucky break there.

Ethan loves his mummy!

Ethan: Cause I don’t look like him!

OK, you caught an even luckier break there.

The whole family chipped in on Ethan’s skilling.

Ethan: And that’s the tale of our castaways, they’re here for a long long while.

J. J. is teaching him the classics.

Clarka: You have to learn how to walk before you can learn how to run. And you have to learn to run cause you have to be a good distance from that detonator before it explodes.

Ethan: ‘splodes?

Ernie II: Yeah, ‘splodes. That’s why I’m Ernie II. And Bert’s nowhere to be seen.

Thinking about how Clarka is holding him up makes my head hurt.

Ethan: Who’s this man behind me?

That’s your daddy. You won’t see him much cause he’s got a lot of books to write. In fact, probably time to hit him with a moodlet manager and chain him back to his desk!

Clark: Is this how Stephen King got famous?

Yes. Yes it is.

Clarka had been so good for so long.. so it was bound to happen.  This time when the detonator went off, that chain reaction she hoped for at the last party finally happened.

The heat is on!

Gurton is the worst cop ever.

Gurton: I don’t know what to do!

Stand there, jump up and down, and yell. It’s so helpful!

Darlene: I got this.

Joey Jr. narrowly escapes the fire, but decides sleeping is more important than a shower.

Although Harley hasn’t used a bathroom since Ethan’s dad was a toddler, he gives potty training a go.

Harley: Poop. POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPP!

Ethan: Banana jelly beans cow. THIS BOOK MAKES NO SENSE!

J. J.: And this is the alphabet!

Ethan: But this letter is just this letter backwards! Same with these other two! Just looking at this makes me tired!

Clark: Come on son, I got an idea.

Ethan: You are right Daddy, books DO make more sense in the library.

Clark: Funny how that works.

Ethan: Wait, what’s going on here.

J. J.: I probably shouldn’t have done this in front of the baby.

J. J.: Hey, Death, couldn’t you have, you know, not have me drop dead in front of a small impressionable child?

Death: LOOK, I’VE HAD NO ROBES FOR WEEKS NOW. I JUST DON’T CARE ANYMORE.

Joey Jr. joins the family cemetery, with the grave closest to the baked goods stand. Cause it’s good for business.

Ethan: Square peg goes in square hole, round peg goes in round hole, triangle peg goes in triangle hole, and aunt Joey goes in coffin!

Yeah, he’s not TOO screwed up now.

Ethan: And mallet goes in mouth!

Yeah, why not.

Head does NOT go in potty. I draw the line there.

Darlene: Um, don’t mind me, I have to do this for work.

Morgana: That’s ok, when you’re done, can I have a look? I need new furniture and stuff.

Darlene: Yay, I’m finally an adult.

OK then, could you put your clothes in the hamper?

Dewey: Things seem much more peaceful now that I’m dead.

Hmm, I would have thought differently of the idea of laying next to Andy Breckman forever.

Meanwhile, Harley subtly stuck his reward from work in one of the many display cases in the basement. He’s hoping Darlene the cop doesn’t look too close.

Ken: Here we go again. Hey kid, you have ANY idea how many generations of slobber I have on me?

Clark: I guess I should be glad you aren’t making me write 24/7, but at least then I was SITTING.

Who’s the guy in the picture?

Clark: Me after I go completely pale and cranky from painting hours on end.

And it’s birthday time again.

Ethan: I have the best parties ever, a mummy and ghost and everything.

No friends, or even other kids, but I guess he doesn’t know better.

Ethan: I have decided from here on out that I’m going to be Good.

Oh, Dad is not really going to like that…

Tune in next time when Clark and Ethan probably spend a lot of time going person person minus minus.

Chapter 16. And That’s The Way Darlene Became Kent-Bunch

So where are you off to, Clarka?

Clarka: I need some scrap.

So the junkyard then?

Or the Wolff household…

Clarka: I really don’t like their kitchen. What’s with that wall behind the stove?

What stove?

Thornton, you might want to check out what’s going on in your home.

Thornton: There is a bomb on my end table. I should put this book down and run.

Morgana: I don’t care much for this Clarka Kent person.

Clarka wins the rudest guest ever award!

Clarka: Yes! Just what I needed!

Clarka: This will make the job much easier.

Well, at least she did some cleaning up.

Having maxed Logic, Athletics, Charisma, and Music, Harley decides to tackle cooking.

Harley: Chopped.  CHOPPPPPEEDDDD!

J. J.: Hey, don’t I get a cake at least?

Sorry, I forgot it was your birthday.

J. J.: You get a pop-up the day of!

J. J.: Finally, I don’t have to wash all that hair.

Clarka: 500 Science and Math, 600 Technology, 700 Arts… oh screw this.

Clarka: 662, Explosives!

Blowing up the library cost me thousands of dollars in fines, while blowing up the Wolff’s cost me about 20 bucks per item.  I like the game’s priorities.

Harley was told by Clarka to have a cook-out and invite everyone he knows.  He doesn’t understand why the picnic tables are grouped so close together.

The guests, slightly wary, avoid using all the tables.

Marty: Hey, what’s that on this table?

Clarka: Never you mind…

After that table exploded, the rest of Clarka’s plan didn’t pan out has she hoped.

So they moved the party inside.

Clarka: I’ll be way over here, you all stand as close to the dryer as you can.

While the guests in the living room managed to get out with no problem, the resulting fire did spread to the bathroom.

But Gurton came in and rescued the ladies.

That’s when Clarka discovered the snake charming basket.

Abraham: There’s a snake in my boot!

Needless to say, Clarka’s just not been right since her resurrection. If she ever was before.

J. J.: Shouldn’t you help with the cleaning?

Harley: Woahhhhh Listen to the music… woahhh listen to the music… MUSICCC!

I am so sick of that stereo, sims are turning it on autonomously all the time, but not once do they turn it off.

Thank you, Clarka.

Clark continues to write book after book, working his way up to Vaudevilles. Apparently they’re over 1200 page long books, and not plays where mustached villains tie damsels to railroad tracks.

Cleaning up after the party took days, and sims often got interrupted mid cleaning. I’ve never seen so many flies before.

We called the repairlady to fix a few things after the party, and apparently she wanted to marry into the family, showing up in a bridal veil.

Clarka built a time machine, so she could take out her evil urges in the past and future.

Relieved that she was no longer blowing up stuff in present-day Sunset Valley, the town gave her a medal.

Now that she was an elder, Beef Supreme got into a hobby enjoyed only by the very young and very old: Fishing.

Fortunately, instead of keeping these ugly monstrosities in the house, Beef sold them all to the consignment store.

B. S.: It’s either that or Harley makes us sushi, and I hate sushi.

Not allowed to retire, J. J. catches up on zzz’s anywhere she can.

Mailbox and trashcan: Hey genius, wait for us to load before hitting “C.”

Reminded by the repairlady’s veil, Clark realizes as heir he has work to do.

Kaylynn: Look, your story about chicken is interesting and all, but I am already married to Ethan Bunch. But, hey, he’s got a ton of sisters, you might try your luck with one of them.

Clark: Do you like chicken?

Ethan: Is this dude hitting on my sister?

Darlene: No, I like DIRT!

This girl is definitely legacy material.

Clark: I know you just ate dirt, but I’ll kiss you anyway.

Clark: Also, I bought this before I came to the park, hoping some random girl would come home with me.

Darlene: I’LL BE THAT RANDOM GIRL!

Darlene: Lucky for you, I brought Wedding Bands to the park.

Clark: And with this ring, we find out what your LTW is. Please don’t be Golddigger… Please don’t be Golddigger…

Fortunately for Clark, it’s International Super Spy.

Darlene: Um, I live with a Mummy now…

Darlene: Mummies are AWESOME! I’m so putting this on Youtube.

At the age of 87, Dewey finally becomes a Sports Legend. I guess if your team goes 1-10 when you play in 2-3 games ever, it takes a while to get the recognition you deserve.

Realizing she can die at any moment, Beef finally reconciles with her dad’s best friend.

Luke: I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

Darlene gets to work on the bad side of her job: writing reports on Nick Alto’s garbage.

Darlene: Mr. Alto likes Beer, Mac and cheese, and Highlights Magazine.

Lt. Wainwright: Good job exposing who stole the Highlights magazines from the pediatric hospital waiting room. You have earned a promotion. Now if only we can make headway on who’s stealing all the cop cars.

Darlene: I’ll keep a look out, but I just haven’t seen any clues at all.

Robbie Bland: Good job stealing all those cop cars, you’ve earned a promotion.

Clark: Congrats on making Vice Squad.

Darlene: Yeah, I want to take a break now though.

Clark: To write?

One track mind, that boy.

Clark: Hey, what were those chimes?

Darlene: Oh, don’t worry about it.

Dewey: What the hell? I max out athletic and I die before my sedentary wife?

Death: TELL ME ABOUT IT. MY WIFE DIDN’T EVEN CLEAN MY ROBES SO I HAD TO BORROW THIS CRUMMY OUTFIT FROM STEVE IRWIN.

Dewey: Is that the hole from the Manta Ray?

Dewey gets buried next to his in-laws, so he too can pop in uninvited at night to play video games.

For those of you who still haven’t gotten what Darlene’s up to, here’s a gratuitous vomit pic!

Darlene: Must keep in shape…

Right, can’t afford to lose those attractive Bunch looks.

B. S.: Crap, this is not happening! Where’d I put that death flower?

Death flower? What Death flower?

Death: THANKS FOR THE FLOWERS, I NEED THIS TO MAKE UP FOR MY WIFE. AFTER THE STEVE IRWIN INCIDENT I SAID SOME… UNWISE THINGS AND NOW I HAVE TO WEAR THIS.

B. S.: Alright! I’m almost 20 days younger now!

This was so unplanned, I still can’t remember where she found that flower. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was still in seed form.

So Beef not only holds on long enough to see her grandchild, she’ll see him live into Teenager.

Darlene: It’s going to be a boy? SPOILERS!

You were only 2 seconds away from finding out, please.

Darlene: His name’s Ethan. Can I eat him?

Um, please don’t.

Ethan is Easily Impressed and Hates the Outdoors.

Anyway, we named him Ethan because, true story, Ethan named his own daughter with Kaylynn “Darlene.” Which I thought was rather weird, but turnabout’s fair play.

See you next time!

Chapter 15. I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE AND I BRING YOU… FIRE

When not hard at work on her books (which is always) Clarkette has taken a new hobby: Fishing. Nice bait Clarkette.

Clarkette: That’s what I just caught…

Harley and Joey Jr. have formed a duo named the Scarabs and have really been rocking it out for tips.

Apparently they’re bigger than the Beatles.  Scarabmania!

The old people, however, just don’t get it. Typical.

Harley: Everybody’s got something to hide, except for me and my mummy!

Clarkette: Finally, I caught something I can be proud of.

Isn’t it rather dark?

Clarkette: So?

Clarkette: Crud.

Dewey: I’m disappointed in you. When you’re supposed to be somewhere, you should be there.

Clarkette: Like you at the game?

Dewey: Hey, I forgot I was supposed to go.

True story. Dewey’s missed like 5 games out of 7 so far. I keep forgetting to send him cause they practically never send a carpool. The Team loses 14-0 every single time. Yet Dewey’s MVP. I guess cause they can’t win without him.

Clarkette: Screw this, I’m going out to eat. They can’t arrest me twice for the same crime. Double Jeopardy.

That’s not how it works. They don’t arrest her though.

Dewey gets his lifetime wish!

Dewey: All that skipping work paid off!

This update is full of valuable lessons…

Harley tries to make friends.

Harley: …and when there was no meat, we ate fowl and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.

Claire: You ate what?

Harley: We ate sand.

Claire: You ate SAND?

Harley: That’s right.

Clarka: Screw writing, I’m gonna become a master inventor.

Malcolm: Is this the house where that scary mummy lady lives?

Clarka: Oh, crap, where’s the shower?

Inside. But I think you just get singed the first time.

Clarka: I’m pretty sure that’s not true. You can die the first time.

Really? Let me go look it up.

Clarka: I DON’T THINK WE HAVE TIME!

Shush, it’ll only take a…

Clarka: Don’t worry about it, I got it covered.  Hey, this is a lovely shade of orange.

Whoops.

Clarka Kent was about a week from becoming a YA. She now rests next to her grandparents.

Joey Jr. took it pretty hard. She had to console herself by having a blast on the trampoline.

Dewey: Did something happen?

Raging: So you just go around pickin’ up dead people?

Death: NO JUST THEIR SOULS.

Raging: That’s pretty cool.

Guys, your sister is dead.

Clarkette: That would make a good Act III.

Clark: Dead sister won’t get this homework done any faster.

Clark: Yep, knew that wouldn’t fly as a skip school excuse. Glad I did my homework.

Wow, Harley’s a real jerk. Making his son, niece, and nephew all go to school the morning after his niece dies.

B. S.: While you all were mouring, I went and did something about it.

Clarka: I’m baaack…

Oh, great, another monster in the house. I really should have named this legacy the Addams Family.

Clarka: The Addams Family was just weird. I think you mean The Munsters.

Oh hush, no one likes The Munsters.

Clarka: Back to inventing.

Clarka: NOT AGAIN.

You can’t die twice.

Clarka: I DON’T WANT TO TAKE THAT CHANCE, GO GET HELP.

Harley will save you.

Clarka: Well, I’m doomed then.

Harley: Help.  HELLP.

Clarka: THEN DO IT ALREADY!

Luckily, all mummies carry fire extinguishers.

In honor of all Beef’s rooting through people’s garbage, breaking into their mailboxes, and disguising herself as small shrubbery, the mayor gave her an award.

Is that a letter opener?

Beef Supreme is finally becoming an elder.  The Kents decided to have their first huge party in a while. Even Monk and Gurton showed up.

B. S.: Of course, I’m still a mummy. (sigh)

Blonde Lady: HA HA HA. You’re still funny looking!

Clarkette: What’s a birthday party without catfish?

Mmmm… Cake and catfish.

Clarkette is such a natural fisherwoman, she even levels in fishing when she dreams about it.

Dewey: How come I don’t get a party in the park?

You’re the one who likes staying home so much. Maybe if you went to your games, I’d give you a real party.

Dewey: Can I retire now?

Sure, but only in the Brett Favre meaning of the word.

Joey Jr. Breckman is now a Hit Movie Composer.

J. J.: Yep, my score for Saw XIV put me over the top.

And then, cause I’ve never done it before, I gave her a midlife crisis. She’s now a Born Saleswoman, Natural Cook, Loves the Outdoors, Childish, and Neat.

J. J.: Oh my! This dollhouse is a MESS!

Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for.. the heir is becoming a Young Adult!

Clark: Why don’t I get a party in the…

SHUT UP.

Control of the household has now passed over to Clark. And his last trait is Evil.

Now it’s Clarkette’s turn. She even skills up fishing when blowing out candles.

Clarkette: I wish for a fish.

On a dish?

SWISH!

Clarkette is now a party animal.

Clarkette: And it’s not a party unless you’re in your underwear!

Raging: I’m scared, what if I turn ugly?

Raging: I worried for nothing.

Mr. Bull is now a hopeless romantic.

Clarka: Wait, ghosts can age up too?

Clarka is now inappropriate.

Clarka: Who invited the help?

What’s that on the stove?

Clarka: It’s a detonator.

The explosion also hit the nursery.

Yeah, I guess Clarka is a Talking Heads fan.

Three Hundred Sixty Five Degrees

BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE

Even Clarka’s panicking, and she started this whole mess.

Clarkette: This house is just too crazy for me, me and Raging are moving out.

And so they did, and then story progression made them go steady. First cousins, going steady.

Well, Clarka, I hope you learned your lesson.

Clarka: Yep, blow stuff up in OTHER people’s houses, not your own.

And that concludes Book Two. Next time we finally start Book Three: Clark Kent.

Chapter 14. Movin’ Out (Anthony’s Song)

Sergeant O’Leary is walkin’ the beat, at night he becomes a bartender.

And that’s what he was doing when Harley the Mummy stole his patrol car.  Darn those kleptomaniac mummies!

And meanwhile, Beef Supreme has backslid on her hiding skills.  And once again it’s the old people she’s spying on.

Old Man: What do you mean you don’t like Andy Griffith?

Harley wins Teacher of the Year, probably cause he keeps the kids entertained after school.

Harley: It was a graveyard smash!

Every morning Harley walks with the kids the mile from the house to the bus stop.

And then the bus takes off, not bothering to wait for the mummy.  Haven’t we all had those days watching the bus pull away? I always felt they could see me and were laughing.

Nothing scarier than a teacher in the library!

Harley: I’m gonna catch that bus next time!

Should I make this the last of the stakeout shots? They crack me up every time.

Harley’s sister: I think someone’s watching me.

Last time I mentioned that Clark and Clarka both rolled Illustrious Author.  Well, so did Raging.

And so did Clarkette.

And so Clark gets to work as well.

Clarka also gets to writing. Isn’t this exciting?

This shot is only to show that J. J. aged up to adult.

J. J.: Aren’t you going to show what I look like after?

Really? You don’t get how this works by now? YOU LOOK THE SAME.

J. J.: Well, I’m an adult now, so I have to get serious with my skilling.

Adults turn off their cell phones when they’re IN A LIBRARY.

Dewey was working on his martial arts skills when he got a call to do a skill opportunity.

Dewey: Get more strength? Piece of cake.

Dewey: Easiest opportunity ever.

Clarka decides for her first painting she was going to tackle the hugest canvas she could find.

That’s kind of impressive.

Beef finally tops off the Private Investigator career so the town holds a celebration in her honor.  Any words Beef?

B. S.: A SIMBOT!

Luke: I JUST WANTED TO SAY CONGRATS:(

J. J.: So, I know that you’re a mummy… but can you…

Ew…

LTW updates: Joey Jr. finally made it to the symphonic branch of her career.

J. J.: This dress is so lame.

And Dewey maxed out athletic.

Whatever happened to the Transylvanian Twist???

Suddenly, the whole family upped and moved to Sunset Valley! You know what that means!

Yep, I had like 3 Error Code 12s.

Clarka: Wow! The bus came right up to our mailbox!

Yes, this is what normal people do who don’t have to create their own lot. Good Riddance, Twinbrook.

Clarka: I can’t believe I got a boy to take me to his house.

Probably cause this boy and his family are weirder than you, Clarka.

Clarka: How about if I don’t bathe and talk to myself?

OK, you win.

Looks like Tamara Donner found the trampoline!

See, I called her Tamara Donner instead of making up a name for her.

That’s because I’ve played Sunset Valley QUITE a few times. So at least for a generation I won’t have to write names down.

Um.  I should make sure she’s OK. I guess.

Birthday time (AGAIN).

Clark gets the trait Eccentric.

Clark: BEEP BEEP.

Yep, that’s pretty Eccentric.

Clarka: This was such a special occasion, I took a bath.

Congrats, Clarka, you are now Hot-Headed!

Clarka: SCREW YOU.

Clarkette: Hope it’s chocolate for me!

Clarkette rolls Lucky.

Clarkette: I sure don’t feel Lucky.

Raging: Yes, we’re gonna have a party, party.

Raging is now a bookworm. Do something Bookworm-y!

Raging: I’d rather eat cake.

Beef goes out on a case and is surprised to see it’s Gurton! He moved as well.

Gurton: Good luck movin’ up cause I’m…. movin’ out!

B. S.: I don’t know why I’m bothering to dust for prints, it’s obvious that no-good roommate of his, Luke, did it.

Dewey: Watch me break this space rock.

OK.  (The screenshot I’ll get of him breaking his hand will be hilarious.)

Dewey: Hai-yah!

Darn.

Clarkette: Hey, next time you’re using the “soften terrain” tool, make sure you don’t have moveobjects on, genius.

Why?

Clarkette: I CAN’T MOVE!

Oops.

The good news is Beefy got an award for solving her last case. The bad news is she lost a whole lot of friends in the move, so she’s got to earn her charisma challenge rewards all over again.

B. S.: Do you realize that everyone you know will someday die?

Yeah, this is going to take awhile.

Harley: WOOLY BULLY…. WOOLY BULLY!

Raging: Ugh, Dad, you’re a real jerk sometimes.

Harley: Principal.  PRINCIPALLLLL!

Raging: I know Dad, I know.

J. J.: Let’s make this dual guitars!

Someone’s not getting any sleep tonight.

B. S.: Thanks for inviting me over, Pauline. I’ve been looking forward to seeing this movie tonight.

Pauline: My TV is broken.

B. S.: Your TV is broken?

Pauline: My TV is broken.

B. S.: Let me give fixing this a shot.

Pauline: GO GO ELECTROCUTION!

B. S.: What?

Pauline: Nothing.

B. S.: Dammit, the movie’s over. Hey where’s Pauline?

Hank: She had to go. Hey, have you seen Sergeant O’Leary’s car?