Chapter 38: Pretentious Foodie Bullshit

Posted: November 27, 2011 in Deino, Enyo, EvilGenius, Honey Badger, Mr. Stevenson Wolff, Pemphredo, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent, Virginia Wolff

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Ranger Rick: Love to eat sushi… love to eat sooooooshi….

That makes one of us. Oh, by the way, this is Ranger Rick. He just showed up at my lot.

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Ranger Rick: Remember only YOU can prevent forest fires.

That’s Smokey the Bear.

Ranger Rick: Oh. Um… Give a hoot! Don’t Pollute!

No, that’s Woodsy Owl.

Ranger Rick: Then what does Ranger Rick say?

Fuck if I know.

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Ranger Rick: Hello, I am Ranger Rick. Who are you?

EvilGenius: I’m EvilGenius, the Wolff’s new cat.

Oh yeah, I made the Wolff’s adopt another cat. The shelter named her EvilGenius, and I figured it fit the family perfectly.

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Honey Badger: Hi! You’re a funny looking cat.

Ranger Rick: That’s because I’m a raccoon.

Actually, I think EA got lazy and just painted a cat in raccoon colors. Raccoons are much rounder and have little hands.

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Ranger Rick: What if I hunker down like this?

Nope, still look like a raccoon-painted cat.

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Honey Badger: OH NOES MONTY IS DEAD.

Good, the only good snake is a dead snake.

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Staccato: When you’re finishing mourning Monty, I would like to, too.

EvilGenius: So would I.

Wow, a lot of fuss over a dead snake.

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Apparently if you want kittens, you have to buy a dog house. Because that makes total sense.

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Honey Badger: Hey look, it’s a fly!

EvilGenius: I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.

Honey Badger: What did she do next?

EvilGenius: She swallowed a spider to catch the fly, then a bird to catch the spider, and then a cat to catch the bird.

Honey Badger: What a stupid lady. She should have skipped straight to the cat. We catch all three of those things!

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Then they all went outside to mourn Monty some more. It was getting annoying so…

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Easy fix.

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Honey Badger: Hey, there’s no option to have kittens here.

EvilGenius: That’s because we hardly know each other!

Honey Badger: Why can’t you just go into heat and let me fuck you already?

EvilGenius: Cause the game doesn’t work that way. You have to do friendly actions and woo me.

Honey Badger: Fuck that shit. A little help here?

Sure thing. *drags friendship slider all the way up*

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EvilGenius: OK, let’s go to the fuck house.

Honey Badger: There you go. You have a nice butt.

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Honey Badger: OK, you can has babies now.

EvilGenius: Babies, wait what? Why do I have to have the babies?

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Honey Badger: Can’t talk, got to go play in the toilet, kthxbye.

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Honey Badger: See, told you cats can catch spiders.

What are you going to do with that?

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Honey Badger: I put it in the playroom because it’s a toy.

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So what’s up, Rabid?

Rabid: I decided with all this produce I’ve grown, I’d get into cooking. I invited the local foodie club over to talk about delicious food and exchange recipes!

Do vampire ghosts even eat food?

Rabid: Well, I can’t get fat, so that’s an even better reason to pig out.

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Jenny Lho: You’re making waffles? That is SOOO banal.

Rabid: Who doesn’t like waffles?

Jenny Lho: Oh, I don’t know, people who aren’t white trash?

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Rabid: They’re a little overdone, but I’m sure with some butter and syrup they’ll be fine.

Party guest whose name is not important: Waffles? How delightfully rustic! What did you use for eggs?

Rabid: Um, I used eggs?

Party guest: YOU USED EGGS? YOU MONSTER!

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None of the guests joined Rabid at the table. He then tried to talk to them about food, but they all left one by one as he approached them. Rabid found out the hard way that foodies are not interested in food.

I’m getting angry already.

 

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EvilGenius is definitely pregnant, she has left this little present behind. Unfortunately, the guests have all left, or Rabid could have served them this!

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What’s wrong, Virginia?

Virginia: I’ve lost Patterns!

Your vest seems to have them.

Virginia: NO! PATTERNS! My doll!

Sure enough, I look in her inventory, and all over the playroom, and no imaginary friend. DAMN YOU EA!

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I then got a pop up saying EvilGenius was pregnant. Yep, that’s the look of a pregnant cat right there. I guess EA got lazy with pregnancy animations.

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After the party, Staccato went out to help Rabid in the garden without getting changed first. I guess that’s her formal garden dress now.

Staccato: Hey, it’s not like we’re going to invite those douchebags over for a formal party ever again.

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Honey Badger: Ooh, giant radioactive beetles! Maybe if I catch one I will become a super hero!

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Honey Badger: I am, I am Superman, and I can do anything!

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Honey Badger: GOT IT!

No, that’s a snake skin.

Honey Badger: Well crap. Guess there’s only one thing to do with this.

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Honey Badger: Leave it on the living room floor for someone to slip on!

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Rabid: What the fuck, these two plants are wilting despite being practically drenched in sprinklers.

EA.

Rabid: Yep.

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Goth paparazzi: WOW! A vampire! So cool! Will you turn me please?

Staccato: No.

Goth paparazzi: Why not?

Staccato: Because I’ve seen Oddities on TV, and you people freak me out.

Goth paparazzi: Oh, come on, I only have like three jars of pickled pig parts.

Staccato: Yeah. Exactly.

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Ahh! The ground is sucking Honey Badger in!

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Honey Badger: I’m just fishing. I caught a perfect Koi!

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So let’s proudly display it… and here’s the result. See the fish? Yep, I don’t either. So I sent Honey Badger out to catch some more fish. And the result is the same.

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So I bought a different tank. Finally I can see the fish! Sort of. God, EA sucks.

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Rabid went to the consignment store to find out why I haven’t made any sales in several days. Sure enough, hundreds of items were just sitting there, and in order to cancel them and try again, I had to do it ONE BY ONE! You see why I haven’t updated in three weeks? So I force killed the cashier.

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Rabid: Yay! I’m finally level six of gardening! Now I just have to harvest all my very nice/excellent plants, and plant them again, and then harvest the outstanding plants that came from that… and then MAYBE some day they’ll all be perfect.

Ugh.

Rabid: EXACTLY. I got my eight plants, fuck the rest. Let’s just cake up Mr. Stevenson already.

We can’t do that. Sorry, you’re stuck for probably a half dozen more chapters. But don’t worry, I’ll probably just fill them all with more cat spam!

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EvilGenius: Hey! Rabid’s home! PET ME PET ME PET ME!

Rabid: I’m going upstairs.

EvilGenius: WHY YOU IGNORE?

Don’t take it personal, he ignores his own kids too.

EvilGenius: Maybe some simmer should tell him to interact with his pets.

Meh, I’m too lazy to add you and Honey Badger to the downloads section.

EvilGenius: I mean you.

Have you read the blog?

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And suddenly Patterns appears in front of the bunk bed. Weird.

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Virginia: Yay! Patterns! OK, Now that you’re back, answer this question for me. Name all the presidents of the United States.

Patterns: Why?

Virginia: It’s a test, Patterns!

Patterns: *groans*

OK, enough of bad puns, it’s time to meet the new kittens!

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Deino

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Enyo

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Pemphredo

They are named for the Graeae, gray witches from greek mythology who had one eye and one tooth to share among them. Their names translate to Dread, Horror, and Alarm. OK, I’m done. Time to play Skyrim! Thanks for reading and all that crap.

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Comments
  1. Toast!! says:

    Ranger Rick 😀
    http://www.nwf.org/Kids/Ranger-Rick/Parents-and-Educators/Meet-Ranger-Rick.aspx

    “Actually, I think EA got lazy and just painted a cat in raccoon colors. Raccoons are much rounder and have little hands.”
    Nooo. Nooo never. They’d *never* do that. >.>

    The onion video clip made me laugh really really hard. I can’t stand pretentious foodie bullshit. It comes with the territory of being a chef. Chefs and foodies don’t usually get along. XD

    I love the kittens! They are so adorable and the names are perfect. 🙂

  2. StyxLady says:

    Love those kittens! And I have no doubts they’ll live up to their names. XD

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