Chapter 37: Everybody Wants To Be a Cat

Posted: November 8, 2011 in Honey Badger, Mr. Stevenson Wolff, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent, Virginia Wolff

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Ah, Mr. Stevenson has discovered the peg box.

Mr. Stevenson: Round peg… round hole… round peg goes in round hole…

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Mr. Stevenson: ROUND HOLE! ROUND HOLE IS MY MOUTH!

Um, sure. Whatever, kid.

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And finally the legacy gets their very first imaginary friend! It’s about damn time. OK, part of it is my own fault for quitting for several months, but pobody’s nerfect. Meet… um… I forgot to look at the friend’s name. I guess I shall name him myself. Or her myself. I don’t even know what gender it is! OK, therefore its name is Pat.

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Mr. Stevenson: Round head, round hole…

No, Mr. Stevenson, this isn’t a puzzle. you just put him in a house then you do things like cook meals, work out in front of the TV, and use the bathroom and sleep. Stuff like that.

Mr. Stevenson: That sounds incredibly boring.

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Mr, Stevenson: ROUND HOLE IS MY MOUTH!

Hmm, maybe he’s right.  *puts the Sims disc in mouth*

ROUND HOLE IS MY MOUTH!

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Honey Badger: Honey Badger ain’t fraid of no ghost!

Probably because he feeds you.

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Honey Badger: Wait, I feel all tingly. Why?

Because it’s your birthday.

Honey Badger: Birthday? Do I get a cake? Honey Badger loves cake!

No, you don’t get a cake. Cats don’t get cakes in Sims Pets.

Honey Badger: EAT A BAG OF DICKS, EA!

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Looking good, Honey Badger. So what’s gonna be your first action as an adult?

Honey Badger: Hmm, I know just the thing.

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Typical cat.

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So how’s the gardening coming?

Rabid: Well, I’ve harvested every plant you can buy in the store except plasma fruit, and I’ve started the section for my perfect garden…

Ugh, a simple “fine” would have sufficed. You act like I actually give a crap. You got the main objective for the first generation of the DITFT. Whoopty-fucking do.

Rabid: Hey, it wasn’t easy, I’m a vampire you know. I can’t farm in the day!

Still don’t care. Time to move the story on to something cute for the majority of the chapter.

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Rabid: You mean like my cute little son?

Another vampire ghost? Heard it. BORING…

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KITTY! I love kitties. What’s kitty doing?

Honey Badger: You’re breaking my concentration. I have to pick the perfect toy.

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Honey Badger: Here we go.

AWW THAT’S ADORABLE!

Honey Badger: Oh, shove it.

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Honey Badger: Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I’m hunting foil balls!

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Honey Badger: The innocent foil ball has no idea his days are numbered.

The innocent foil ball is an inanimate object.

Honey Badger: SHUSH HUMAN! Like you never pretend inanimate objects are your living play things.

Point, Honey Badger.

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Honey Badger: GOT YOU!

I think it’s dead now.

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Honey Badger: Hmm, I think you are right. *poke poke*

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So Staccato, how was your first day at work?

Staccato: I’m tired. Someone forgot I had work today so they had me out all night gardening instead of sleeping.

Bad Rabid.

Staccato: I MEANT YOU!

Um.. Uh.. I wonder what the kitty is up to!

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Honey Badger: I has a ball!

YAY!

Honey Badger: Glad you liked it. Can I drop the LOLCATS speak now?

NO!

Honey Badger: I has a sad.

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Honey Badger: Where’s vampire lady? I am cold and need someone to sleep on. And Rabid never bathes after gardening.

Vampires are warm to sleep on? Go figure. I think she’s upstairs.

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Honey Badger: Ugh. I hate climbing.

What kind of cat are you?

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Honey Badger: Hello toddler person. Where is vampire lady?

Mr. Stevenson: You mean mommy? She’s in the shower. I spit up on her.

Honey Badger: Nice.

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Honey Badger: Hey vampire lady. Nice boobs!

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Staccato: Does kitty like being brushed?

Honey Badger: Kitty kind of wishes you didn’t get dressed first.

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So that’s how cats work out frustration?

Honey Badger: Shut up. Honey Badger wants a Mrs. Honey Badger.

I’ll think about it.

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Honey Badger: Hey, do you have to document EVERYTHING I do?

Yes because you’re so cute.

Honey Badger: What’s so cute about me taking a dump?

Nothing really, I just think it’s interesting that cats don’t get pixelated while using the restroom like sims do.

Honey Badger: That’s because EA needs to eat a bag of dicks.

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Honey Badger: We meet again, Mr. Ball. Now you say, “Do you expect me to talk?”

Mr. Ball: …

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Honey Badger: No, I expect you to DIE!

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Honey Badger: Boy man, wash uffizi, drive me to Firenze!

You’re weird.

And so night falls in the Wolff household.

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Honey Badger does what he does best.

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The butler sleeps, dreaming of waterfalls and thunderstorms. I wonder if he wets the bed?

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And Rabid and Staccato toil all night in the garden I made way too big. Thank God some plants are finally dying.

Rabid: If I pee on them, will they die faster?

Unfortunately, no.

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Honey Badger: I shall help out in the garden by killing any unwanted pests!

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Honey Badger: I think I see something…

You mean the sprinkler?

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Honey Badger: No, I think I see a bunny! I must stop him from destroying the garden!

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Did you get him?

Honey Badger: It was a leaf.

Don’t feel bad, anyone could have made that mistake.

Honey Badger: Really?

No.

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Honey Badger: Maybe I can catch a bird.

See any?

Honey Badger: NoSad smile

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Honey Badger: I guess I’ll never find prey.

Um… Honey Badger… right behind you…

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Honey Badger: A guinea pig!

It’s actually a womrat.

Honey Badger: Looks like a guinea pig to me.

Shh! The guinea pig people might sue!

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Womrat: Um.

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Womrat: Hmm.

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Womrat: Excuse me, sir. Do you know this cat?

Yes.

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Womrat: Should I be concerned?

Very.

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Womrat: Good thing I know karate!

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Honey Badger: Got him!

I think that’s actually a feather.

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Honey Badger: DRAT!

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Honey Badger: Wait, what’s this?

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That’s a lot of fighting for just a little bug.

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Congrats on your first catch, Honey Badger!

Honey Badger: I think it’s a cockroach!

You have a cockroach in your mouth?

Honey Badger: I’m trying not to think about it.

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Honey Badger: I has a present!

Staccato: For me?

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Honey Badger: It’s a cockroach.

Staccato: Thank you. You’re such a good kitty. I love it SO much that I’ll never need another one like it EVER again.

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It’s birthday time! You know what that means…

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Staccato: CAKE!

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And here is little Virginia Wolff… Um, Virginia, could you drop the cross-eyed act, please?

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That’s better. See you next time!

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Comments
  1. StyxLady says:

    Loved the Honey Badger spam! He is such a cute kitty. *shudder* at the thought of a cockroach in his mouth though.

    “Staccato: Thank you. You’re such a good kitty. I love it SO much that I’ll never need another one like it EVER again.” Haha, exactly. Please? Never again?

    I love that Virginia’s full name is Virginia Wolff. I see what you did there. ^^

  2. Khaos says:

    I don’t -__- Halp?

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