Chapter 36: Well She Wants to be the Queen

Posted: October 30, 2011 in Honey Badger, Mr. Stevenson Wolff, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent, Virginia Wolff

halloween

Honey Badger: Why we got to wear these stupid costumes?

Because it’s Halloween and I wanted to do something special for our readers!

Honey Badger: Honey Badger don’t care.

I know.

Staccato: Why do I have to wear a cheerleader outfit?

Because the game wouldn’t let me put it on Rabid.

Rabid: I’m going as Harley Bull!

You’re going as a mummy.

Rabid: What’s a mummy? And how did you get Sid to look like a simbot?

I cut off his head and stuck it on a simbot’s body. He’s dead now. Don’t worry, I didn’t save.

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Honey Badger, you can change out of your costume now.

Honey Badger: I’ll fucking cut you.

*closes game without saving* No, you won’t.

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OK, so let’s load up the normal save file again. Staccato brings Mr. Stevenson home from the hospital. I felt the old house was too small for a family, so I added a second floor. Laugh at my building skills. I almost made the roof 5 times the height of the rest of the house, but at the last minute changed my mind.

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Honey Badger: Yay! Ghost Daddy is home!

I thought you didn’t care.

Honey Badger: I thought you had a brain, we all make mistakes.

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Staccato: This thing cries a lot.

That’s why I let you have them instead of me in real life.

Staccato: Do I have to feed it or something?

No, that’s why I hired you a butler.

Staccato: OK, I’m going to bed then.

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Rabid: Feeding Monty fish flakes, NOM NOM NOM.

I don’t think you feed pythons fish flakes, shouldn’t you get him some mice or something?

Rabid: Nope. Blame EA!

Geniuses.

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Sid: Why do I have to feed the baby?

Because if you don’t, I have a spare simbot body lying around here.

Sid: Your bottle, Master Mr. Stevenson.

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Honey Badger: This scratching post is nice, but I’d rather scratch the couch.

Hey, I’m not stopping you. Not my stuff.

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Honey Badger: Hello Mr. Mouse, I am Honey Badger. I am sorry to bother you, but I am the local drug inspector, and I believe you may be in possession of a narcotic.

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Honey Badger: Yes, it does appear you are in fact, filled with catnip. I’m sorry, the penalty for catnip possession is quite severe.

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Honey Badger: I MUST EAT YOU! NOM NOM NOM!

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Staccato: So, the baby’s asleep… is there anything you want?

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Rabid: Another baby!

Honey Badger: Guys, trying to poop here.

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What’s up, Staccato?

Staccato: I wanted to help Rabid in the garden, but I don’t know how. So I had to read a book first. Ahhh! The weeds are the little grasses around the tree, NOT the tree itself!

Yeah, you have to be level two to figure that out.

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Staccato: OK, Rabid, I read how to garden I can help now!

Rabid: Good, I never can get it all done before the sun comes up.

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And then she proceeded to water the plants covered by the sprinkler. *headdesk*

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Consignment Man: Can I help you?

Rabid: I would like to sell my fruits and vegetables please. I figure I can charge more ‘cause I’m a celebrity.

Consignment Man: Think that will work?

Rabid: Worked for Paul Newman. And my face has got to be twice as creepy as his.

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Honey Badger: Bored. Bored bored bored bored bored.

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Honey Badger: Where’s female human? I like female human. Ah, there she is. Sleeping.

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Honey Badger: WAKE THE FUCK UP LADY!

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Honey Badger: Oh, hi. Since you’re up, how about some food?

It’s not noon yet.

 

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Honey Badger: Shall we play a game?

Staccato: How about Global Thermonuclear War?

Honey Badger: Wouldn’t you prefer a nice game of chess?

Staccato: With a cat, really?

Honey Badger: Of course not. You’re it. *runs away*

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Honey Badger: Ah! You have apprehended me! You win the chance to feed me a yummy fish!

Staccato: That’s not a prize. You’re supposed to chase me now.

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Honey Badger: Ha ha! I have found you!

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Honey Badger: Now I will make several cute poses! Adore me!

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Honey Badger: Every one is so tall. Maybe I should jump on them and ride their shoulders.

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Honey Badger: All this kitten pic spam has tired me out. Night all.

Yeah, this whole segment was not very Honey Badger-esque.  Maybe if he ever grows up and starts hunting! Too bad there’s no cake for cats.

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Staccato: My night gown is soaking wet.

Rabid: No one made you come out here in your sleep clothes. Sucks to be you, the water goes right through me!

Staccato: *throws apple*

Rabid: So do apples!

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Rabid: And there’s the sun, and not even close to finishing. We’re just going to have to work faster next time.

Actually, it’s the garden resetting right at sunrise that seems to kill any feelings of accomplishment.

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Honey Badger: There’s not enough food here.

Sarcastic much? Sorry the bowl is bigger than you, EA couldn’t be bothered to make kitten supplies.

Honey Badger: I’m not being sarcastic, I really want to eat more food!

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Rabid: OK, I should get it done tonight, I’m getting started before the sun goes down.

Well, it would go faster if you left the watering to the sprinklers.

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I have a billion shots of them gardening, sorry if it’s getting old. That’s generation one of a DITFT for you. On a unrelated note, do you notice the weird camera angle on this shot? Tabbing to take pictures does this to me like 75% of the time now. Why? Oh right. EA.

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Dear Rabid Wolff. For being the most famous Vampire Ghost Farmer in the history of Hidden Springs, the city would like to reward you with this big screen TV.

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And also, this beautiful water fountain.

Rabid: OK, the sprinklers were bad enough, but now a fountain? See you in a bit Staccato, I’m going inside to pee.

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Strange man: Ooh, a baby, I’ll be taking this. Just kidding! I’m actually the babysitter.

That prank would have worked better if his parents actually cared.

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Babysitter: Looks like it’s someone’s birthday!

Hey, you’re not his family. Give the baby to someone who actually cares about him to help him blow out his candles, so it will mean more.

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That’s better.

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And here he is. Mr. Stevenson Wolff… um… could you stop staring please, it’s creeping me out.

Mr. Stevenson: …

Hello?

Mr. Stevenson: I can see into your soul.

Mine?

Mr. Stevenson: No, the reader’s. I can almost feel their mortality.

OK, moving on…

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Mr. Stevenson: Mommy! Hugs!

Staccato: Who’s mommy’s little boy? Wanna sweetie?

Mr. Stevenson: YUMMY!

Ah, how cute.

Mr. Stevenson: Some day you will all die.

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Oh crap, I forgot to put Rabid away after the sun came up.

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Rabid: I have more stuff for you.

Consignment man: *scowls*

What the fuck is that guy’s problem?

Consignment man: I hate my job!

So? Suck it, townie.

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Mr. Stevenson: Mommy! I’m hungry!

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Mr. Stevenson: Mommy! MOMMY!

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Sid: Fine, here’s your bottle. I heard your screaming all the way out in the garden!

Mr. Stevenson: Why are you wet?

Sid: Long story. Oh, well, back to bed.

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Sid: When I was Master Mr. Stevenson’s age, my bed was so dry… ahhh…

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Mr. Stevenson: Poor Sid. I should ask mommy if he can sleep in my bunk bed. Oh well. YAY BLOCKS!

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Honey Badger: I hate baths. We should let Sid sleep inside. Water sucks…

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Honey Badger: YUM SUSHI!

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Staccato: Welp, looks like these contractions woke me up.

Rabid: OH NOES BABIES WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO?

Staccato: First, get rid of the paparazzi.

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Paparazzi: Crap, she sees me!

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Staccato: OK, now go get the limo.

Rabid: Right away hon… Man, I’m hungry.

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Where’s Staccato?

She took off in the limo, and I was going to go with her, but then I saw I was near death with the hungry thing so I got out to have a Hi-O positive.

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And so Staccato goes to the hospital alone, and gives birth to a baby girl. I guess we’re done with kids for this generation then! Easier than I thought it would be. Meet Virginia. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next time.

Staccato: Hold it right there, mister! Tell the people my babies traits! You forgot to last time!

Oh, she’s a loner and neurotic. Happy now?

Staccato: No! Mr. Stevenson’s too.

He’s a clumsy couch potato. Can I go now?

Staccato: I guess.

Thank you, your highness. Until next time!

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Comments
  1. Toast!! says:

    So much cuteness from Honey badger. I loved his costume!!

    “Hey, you’re not his family. Give the baby to someone who actually cares about him to help him blow out his candles, so it will mean more.”

    I lol’d hard at it being the butler. I love this family. Great chapter. 🙂

  2. ringoosu says:

    Thanks for reading. I really should have named it something else though, every time I come here I get Train stuck in my head.

  3. StyxLady says:

    LOL I love Honey Badger. I laughed when Staccato tried to throw an apple at Rabid. XD Yay for a boy and a girl so easily! Good stuff! I am also singing Train now.

    • ringoosu says:

      I’m actually disappointed. The idea of trying to cram 4-5 kids in that tiny house hoping to finally get a girl amused me. But then again, I hate raising babies and toddlers.

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