Chapter 35: Honey Badger Don’t Care

Posted: October 26, 2011 in Honey Badger, Mr. Stevenson Wolff, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent

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Staccato: Hey Gardener Gardener! Hey Gardener Gardener! WEED!

Rabid’s garden is coming along nicely. Staccato’s doing her best to motivate him as well.

Staccato: THIS IS MY HOE! THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT BUT THIS ONE IS MINE!

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Staccato: OK, at ease, soldier. We’ll take a break for now… I have important business to attend to… WHEE!!! SPRINKLERS!!!

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What’s up Staccato?

Staccato: I got a role in the local stage production of Dracula!

Who are you playing?

Staccato: Van Helsing!

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Rabid: Drink up me hearties yo ho!

Working out I see?

Rabid: It’s some new fitness system I read about called Pirates!

I think you’re reading that wrong.

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There’s a strange man rooting through our garbage! POLICE!

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Sid: It’s me, your butler, Siddhartha Holden.

Um, nice hair cut.

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Staccato: Beatles! I’m gonna name them John, Paul, George, and Ringo!

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Staccato: FUCK! JOHN BIT ME! I’m gonna go Mark David Chapman on his ass.

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Staccato: I think I’ll get something less dangerous than beetles. Like this snake. I’m gonna name him Monty!

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Staccato: WHY MUST EVERYTHING I LOVE BITE ME?

Monty: Because you taste like chicken.

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Monty: Crap, she put me in a cage!

Monty got a raw deal.

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Strange Man: Hello, I come from the animal shelter! I’m here with your kitten!

Rabid: Wait, what?

Staccato: Oh, yeah, I meant to tell you something…

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This is Honey Badger. He’s pretty bad ass.

Honey Badger don’t give a shit

 

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Staccato: Aren’t you going to say hi to your new pet?

Rabid: The DITFT rules doesn’t say anything about pets! I have to garden!

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Staccato: I’m sorry, Honey, he doesn’t seem to be interested in you.

Honey Badger: The Honey Badger don’t care. The Honey Badger don’t give a shit.

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Look at that sleepy fuck.

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Honey Badger: I fuckin’ hate babies.

You be the one to tell him Staccato is pregnant. Something about that cat scares me.

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Sid: WHAT THE FUCK MAN! GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!

Rabid: Um, didn’t I hire you to clean?

Sid: I’m cleaning my junk. Don’t you think that’s important too?

Rabid: I figure you were just supposed to clean stuff I look at.

Sid: Well, you’re looking at my junk now.

Rabid: It’s not like I want to.

Sid: Then why are you still here?

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Sid finished his bath and then went to bed. Where he proceeded to get sprinkled on all night. Guess he had to be good and clean for that.

Rabid: I’m gonna go fling dirt on him.

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Staccato, are you sick? Why are you at the hospital?

Staccato: I applied for a job.

But you’re pregnant, you’re going to have to go on maternity leave before your job even starts.

Staccato: Exactly.

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Staccato: OK, there’s my baby bump. NOW I’m pregnant. Thanks for spoiling the news before I could, asshole.

Oh, come on, this is like the 6th? generation. They knew you were pregnant the second I showed you knocking boots with Rabid.

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Staccato: And just like that, I’m pregnant for graduation! How embarrassing.

Looks like Staccato lives in Oklahoma! Oh, who am I kidding, Oklahomans don’t graduate.

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Staccato: BLEARGH!

Oh, you should have saved that for the stage. No one forgets the kid who vomits while getting their diploma!

Staccato: Don’t worry, there’s more where that came from.

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Rabid: Yay, you’re finally a full fledged adult! I am no longer a pedophile.

Yep, you’re just a cousin-fucker instead.

Rabid: SECOND COUSIN ONCE REMOVED!

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And then the bathtub broke. What is up with my luck with plumbing? I’m almost 40 years old, and I’ve NEVER seen a faucet randomly squirt water everywhere. What the hell are sims DOING to their faucets? Do I even want to know? Does it involve sticking certain body parts up there?

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Ew, what is that? It eats kibble? Disgusting. Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit, he’s just hungry.

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Sid: Time to put all the cat toys away.

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Honey Badger: Excuse me, those are my toys. I will kick your fucking ass, you shit.

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It took me several cat toy chests before I found one with a mouse. And then I found out kittens can not hunt toy mice yet. At which point I exclaimed chapter 33. So Honey Badger biting the heads off cobras will have to wait until another chapter.

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Hey look, Honey Badger DOES give a shit.

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HOLY SHIT! The butler is fixing the bathtub instead of just mopping up the water!

Sid: Oh, sorry, I won’t let it happen again.

No, wait, I was just shocked..

Sid: Nope, won’t happen again.

Fuck.

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Staccato sleeps with both eyes open. EXIT LIGHT! ENTER NIGHT!

Staccato: That’s sleep with one eye open.

Shut up. I’ll send you off to Never Never Land.

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Monty: Get away from me. Get away from me.

Honey Badger: Honey Badger don’t care.

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Finally nightfall has arrived, and Rabid can resume tending his garden.

Apple Tree: How would you like to have someone come along and pick something off of you?

Rabid: Oh dear, I keep forgetting I’m not in Kansas!

The cousin fucking is probably what fooled you.

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Thanks to the pets expansion you will be inundated by pictures of Honey Badger sleeping even when I have no comments. Deal with it.

Honey Badger: Something witty about hating baths.

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Rabid: Almost done harvesting and weeding… good thing too, the sun’s about to come up. I’ll have to fertilize tomorrow.

The garden just reset.

Rabid: FUCK.

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Rabid: The sun, it burns, it burns. I know! I’ll eat some ice cream.

I don’t think that works.

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Rabid: Are you saying there’s no reason to get ice cream?

There’s always a reason to get ice cream.

Rabid: Exactly.

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Then Rabid went to the consignment store where a kid was sittng there, just doing homework. Why wasn’t he in school? What is this, Missouri?

OK, I know that makes no sense, but my wife and I were in Missouri on a Friday at lunch at a McDonald’s, and it was filled with kids. We decided this meant that children in Missouri never go to school. Small sample size is always a good thing!

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Rabid: I want to sell my vegetables, I’m gonna sell my vegetables. I love you most of all! My favorite vegetable!

Salesclerk: What are you talking about?

Rabid: I threw away my candy bar and I ate the wrapper, and when they told me what I did I burst into laughter!

Salesclerk: OK, you’re insane.

Bonus points if you know what the fuck is going on. Otherwise:

Lying in bed like Brian Wilson

 

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Hey, you missed a spot.

Sid: Where?

The snake. I hate snakes. Just kill the damn thing already.

Monty: That’s not nice.

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Honey Badger: DIE COUCH! DIE!

Hey, I don’t think your owners will like it if you do that.

Honey Badger: I’m not the only one who don’t give a shit in this house.

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And it appears that Honey Badger is right. Staccato don’t care. Staccato don’t give a shit.

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Staccato gets an invitation to a party, despite the fact that she hardly ever leaves her house and has no friends. I never get invited to parties. My life is more pathetic than a sim’s. Sad. Anyway! Back to the story!

Staccato: I’m gonna have a baby.

Old lady: Old lady don’t care. Old lady don’t give a shit.

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Honey Badger: Honey Badger don’t like fire.

Fine, so I guess I won’t find out what a orange kitty ghost looks like.

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Staccato Mamba Wolff, life of the party. Hey, Staccato! Do something exciting!

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Staccato: OK, HERE GOES!

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Honey Badger: Honey Badger don’t like the look of this.

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Meet Mr. Stevenson Wolff. Since he is the businessman heir, I named him after a businessman!

You know how I feel about strays.

 

See you next time! And remember, if you see a businessman, don’t bring him home. Your house is not his natural environment.

Comments
  1. Toast!! says:

    Rabid: Yay, you’re finally a full fledged adult! I am no longer a pedophile.

    Yep, you’re just a cousin-fucker instead.

    Omg, When will I learn to not drink while reading?

    I know Honey Badger won’t give a shit, but he’s seriously adorable. The pic of him in the fish mouth (or whatever the hell that is), I died.

    Also, Mr. Stevenson. Awesome. I love Kids in the Hall. Cooked Oatmeal? Thanks, Mom!

    And is it just me, or is that old lady pregnant? o.O

  2. StyxLady says:

    “Looks like Staccato lives in Oklahoma! Oh, who am I kidding, Oklahomans don’t graduate.” Ooooh snap! XD

    Not that Honey Badger would give a shit, but he’s adorable! .> /hermit

    • StyxLady says:

      Bahaha, I just love it when wordpress eats my comment. That was supposed to say that I don’t get invited to parties either, but I sorta prefer it that way.

    • ringoosu says:

      Not only do they not graduate, they all become fans of a football team for a college they’ve never set foot on its campus (OU).
      That’s why I’m a OSU Cowboy fan.

  3. Gargantua says:

    LOL! Hooray for Honey Badger! That is a most excellent name. I look forward to shots of him biting the heads off mice and snakes and stuff. Hunt, Honey Badger, Hunt!

    I also don’t get invited to parties. Luckily my hubs is a social butterfly, and he DOES get invited to parties (or insist that we throw them), so I get to tag along. The ones at other people’s houses with food that I didn’t have to prepare are the best. 🙂

    • ringoosu says:

      I’m so disappointed kittens can’t hunt. And he’s got a whole four days of kittenhood left. I could age him up but kittens are too cute to turn into cats:(

  4. Rad says:

    Honey Badger is amazing.

    And it was about time this family got incestuous. Most sim families are like that by Gen 4, not Gen 6.

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