Chapter 34: We Are Farmers, Bum Buh-duh Duh Duh Duh Dum

Posted: October 15, 2011 in Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent

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So here we are. Out in the country now. Hidden Springs to be precise. This is the lovely garden that Rabid built. Isn’t it nice?

OK, no, but it’s better than a cup of dirt.

CUP OF DIRT!!!

 

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Whatcha readin’ for?

Rabid: It’s a book on gardening. The coolest thing too, it has some seeds glued on the pages here for me to grow!

I thought the only seeds you found hidden in books was for… never mind.

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Paparazzi: Here’s a hot story for TMZ, Rabid Wolff-Schlick reads book! The readers will EAT THIS SHIT UP!

Rabid Wolff-Schlick reads book is a pretty boring hot story. Now Lindsay Lohan reads book, that’s news.

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Paparazzi: I better get a picture or no one will believe me!

Don’t you have a real celebrity to bug?

Paparazzi: Nope, I’m going to take pictures of this guy and blog about it.

That’s pretty pathetic. What kind of loser would blog about Rabid? Oh, shit.

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Paparazzi Two: Here’s a juicy story, Paparazzi writes story about Rabid!

OK, this is getting too meta, I’m leaving.

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Yep. A heir to this legacy is finally planting a garden! And no drugs are involved! At least not yet anyway.

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How’d shopping go?

Rabid: Holy shit, it was expensive. A head of lettuce was like five bucks! Eleven for just AN ONION! And garlic was 23 stinking bucks! I spent over a thousand dollars just on produce!

See, this is why I stick to twinkies and ding dongs.

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Rabid: What do you think? I’m making some real good progress here.

I just see a bunch of weeds.

Rabid: No, these are all legal.

WEEDS. PLURAL.

Hey, I wonder what Staccato is up to.

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Staccato: Hey! Naked teenager here!

Sorry, I didn’t know.

Staccato: I’m calling Chris Hansen.

If anything, he’ll just expose your cousin husband. Besides, I think the mailman is catching a peek too.

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Mailman: Caught! I got to get out of here!

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Staccato: I can’t believe I still got to go to high school. All the other kids make fun of me ‘cause I’m already married.

Don’t worry in another 15 years they’ll all be crying about how they can’t find a cousin of their own to settle down with.

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Hey, Rabid, aren’t you forgetting something?

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Rabid: Oh, yeah, I better eat something.

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No, the sun. It’s kind of bad for you.

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Congratulations Staccato on making a friend at school. I see you got invited over. But shouldn’t you be hanging out with your new friend?

Staccato: I am, it’s called HDTV.

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And Rabid goes downtown to register as a Gardener.

Rabid: In the middle of the night too. Farming in the dark. This is ridiculous. None of the DITFT’s I read online farm in the dark.

Probably because none of their founders are vampire ghosts.

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Good lord, not another paparazzi.

Paparazzi: RABID PLANTS POTATOS! DETAILS AT 11!

Is Hidden Springs really that dull?

Paparazzi: Yes.

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Fishing now?

Rabid: I need fertilizer and vampires don’t poop.

I didn’t need to know that.

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Rabid: It’s a beauty fish!

I’m not even fishing, I’m blogging about a guy fishing.

I’m taping fishing to watch again later!

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Staccato: Look, perv, stop checkin’ me out.

Not my fault you walk around the house in your underwear.

Staccato: Um, yeah, it kind of is.

Meh, changing outfits is too much work, and I’m the laziest simmer ever.

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Rabid: I’m going on a vacation. Now Staccato, you be good while I’m away and don’t have any wild parties or anything!

Staccato: Um, you’re my husband, not my guardian.

Rabid: Don’t blame me, blame the game.

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So Staccato, how are you going to rebel now that you have the house to yourself?

Staccato: I’m going to do my math homework and NOT SHOW MY WORK!

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Staccato: And now I’m reading a book ABOVE MY READING LEVEL!

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The next day it was Field Trip day at school.

Teacher: OK kid, you set way back there, and Staccato, you sit next to me.

Staccato: Um, what kind of field trip is this?

Teacher: The one where I take you to a romantic dinner at the bistro.

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Teacher: Race you to our reserved candlelit table, guys!

Staccato: Wait, where did all these other kids come from?

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This is the weirdest field trip I’ve ever seen. The popups told me that the teacher yelled at Staccato to put down a knife, then congratulated her on her french fries.

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Rabid: Hey Scott, how about you come over to my house for a party!

Scott: I’m standing right next to you.

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Staccato brought this home from her field trip. Probably some love token from her creepy teacher.

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Staccato: So my husband went on a trip without me so I decided to invite over some young dudes in their swimsuits.

Dennis: So where’s the pool.

Staccato: Don’t have one. *stares at Dennis’s chest*

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Staccato: And I also hired a butler.

Butler: Ooh, hot young boys!

Dennis: This party blows.

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Staccato: And I ordered a pizza. Looks like someone doesn’t want a tip.

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Staccato: This is a 30 dollar pizza?

Just imagine if you ordered it with garlic.

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Dennis: So, can I have a slice?

Staccato: No. Flex your muscles please.

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Meanwhile Scott is watching romantic movies. By himself.

Scott: Well, I couldn’t get Dennis to join me.

I don’t want to know.

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Staccato: Hey guys, come play in the sprinklers with me!

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Scott: I can’t get to the sprinklers! I don’t know how to get there!

Neither could Dennis. Apparently the Chesterfield boys are retarded.

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Staccato: Guys! I’m gonna take my swimsuit off…. you don’t want to miss th—oh, hi officer.

Officer: We had a complaint about people eating pizza and watching TV.

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Officer: Now, we have rules in this town about loud teen parties. I’m breaking this up.

Staccato: Don’t you have anything better to do in Hidden Springs?

Officer: No. We take pride in being the most boring town ever, where growing potatoes is a top story. Breaking up quiet teen parties helps us keep that reputation.

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Paparazzi: TEEN COUSIN BRIDE EATS PIZZA WITH OTHERS! TOP STORY!

Staccato: This town really sucks.

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Like I said earlier we hired a butler. I didn’t bother to check what his name was. The game said I had to get him a bed.

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So I did.

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After the party I figured Staccato had enough of a sampling of teenage life, so it was cake time.

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Now Staccato is a vehicle enthusiast

Staccato: Vehicle? I LOVE THAT SONG. GREAT GOD IN HEAVEN YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU!

Won’t you jump inside my van?

Yeah, not that kind of vehicle enthusiast.

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Oh, fucking shit, here we go again.

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Butler: Could you please move, I need to fix the sink.

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Rabid: I know we’re already married, but how about we make it game official?

Butler: I need to fix the sink.

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I guess the butler gave up.

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Of course we all know what comes next… INCEST!

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Tune in next time when we find out if it’s a vampire, or a ghost, or a boy, or a girl. We won’t find out how it’s related to itself however, because I find this family tree too confusing to follow any more.

Comments
  1. Toast!! says:

    Omg loved it. I giggled like a loon through the paprazzi and the teen party. Omg. Too funny. Your ditft is off to a great start, sir!

    Also, I didn’t know that Rabid was a vampire ghost. Wow. You think think if he slept in the cursed temple he’d be a vampire mummy ghost? Or would the game just implode? XD

    And yeah, wow hidden springs is boring if potatoes are the top story. The thing about the produce costing so much made me laugh. The chef in me was like, “yeah…if you want good quality” then the human in me was like, “ding-dongs and twinkies? right on, brother!” hahaha. XD

  2. ringoosu says:

    To be honest, even twinkies and ding dongs are too expensive. Stupid hostess. I usually get little debbie.

  3. StyxLady says:

    “That’s pretty pathetic. What kind of loser would blog about Rabid? Oh, shit.” XD
    “Probably because none of their founders are vampire ghosts.” Ignore my comment from last chapter. That answers my question…haha.

    Loved it! Rabid has a great little garden going already. I think the Butler’s bed is in the perfect place…now he’ll never be able to be a lazy ass and sleep in or he’ll get pelted by the sprinklers.

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