Chapter 33. Hey EA! Eat a Bag of Dicks!

Posted: October 9, 2011 in Ethan Kent, Harley Bull, Hungry Lyktha Wolff, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent

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Rough day at work Ethan?

Ethan: Shit blew up in my face again. Can I retire already? I’m 106.

Um, no. I need the money.

Ethan: We have 2.3 million!

Hey, did you ever notice Master Controller has a Force Kill button?

Ethan: I love my job! I’ll never quit!

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Staccato: Grandpa! The TV is broken! FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT!

Ethan: It’s three in the morning, can’t it wait?

Staccato: FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT!

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Shit, I forgot to put a puddle down first.

Ethan: Wait, what?

Nothing.

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So Hungry and Elspeth’s wedding is set for 9 AM at Smuggler’s Cove. I load up the motive mobile at about ten ‘till, running late, but I’ll make it. And then we waited. And waited. Two hours later, the car still sat in the road waiting to leave. Everyone seemed to be on board, but the car wouldn’t go.

EA. Please eat a bag of dicks.

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Eventually, the party was cancelled, and Staccato hopped in the limo to go off to private school. Bye bye, Staccato, we’ll miss you!

Staccato: Really?

Um, no.

Staccato: I hope my tears dry by the time I get to school.

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Finally, with a reschedule for later that afternoon, Hungry is off to her wedding! Of course, this time Harley and Ethan couldn’t be bothered to tag along. Fine, who needs them. One of them smells like a rotting old corpse. And Harley’s not very hygienic either.

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Looks like you beat the guests here, Hungry. Plenty of time to set up.

Hungry: What’s with the décor?

What do you mean?

Hungry: The chairs look like animals.

Oh, I asked Robert Irvine to set it up using a limited budget.

Hungry: It’s hideous.

Hey, at least you won’t have to operate a restaurant with it. Count yourself lucky.

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Lady Cook: You are a cheater! A CHEATER!

Hungry: Please don’t cause a scene, I’m changing my ways, and marrying your daughter.

Lady Cook: I GIVE YOU THE DIRTBAG REPUTATION!

Hungry: Worst mother-in-law ever.

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Cressida Wells: You are a dirtbag cheater!

Emmy Starr: Going to have to agree with the rest of the folk on this one.

Hungry: What the hell, this is a wedding, didn’t anyone ever teach you any manners?

Emmy: Nope, EA decided our reaction to finding out someone we slept with one time was getting married was to act like total asses at the wedding.

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Emmy: HEY EVERYONE! COME LOOK AT THE DIRTBAG CHEATER!

Hungry: EA, please eat a bag of dicks.

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After the crowd settled down slightly, Hungry prepared to wed her bride. As you can see, Elspeth was dressed in a lovely black urine-soaked gown.

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Hungry: You take my breath away, Elspeth.

Emmy: SOMEONE SMELLS LIKE PEE!

Hungry: Way to ruin the moment.

At this point, I had to click on “Get Married” like seven times before it finally took.

EA, eat a bag of, well, you know.

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By the time they exchanged vows, the party had dwindled down to about four guests. Fortunately none of them were Hungry’s past romantic interests.

Morrigan Hemlock: DIRTBAG CHEATER!

Hungry: I never slept with you!

Morrigan: But shouting things is fun!

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Ethan: No, no, you go on making your 100th meal that no one asked you to make, I’ll fix the fucking sink. *muttering* Eat a bag of dicks, EA.

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Rabid: Ugh, there’s a ghost in my bedroom!

OK, two things. First, you are a ghost, so you shouldn’t be scared of ghosts. And second, WHY AREN’T YOU IN BOARDING SCHOOL?

Rabid: I got kicked out cause our household added another Sim. Against the rules, apparently.

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Staccato: Hi!

You too? You  haven’t even been gone a day.

Staccato: Nevertheless, I’m done with school! And I can’t even go to public school now!

OK EVERYONE NOW

Entire Kent/Wolff household: HEY EA! EAT A BAG OF DICKS!

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The day after the wedding, Hungry realizes in addition to her normal days off, she got more added on, so the next time she’d go back to work would be sometime in the next century. And just only an hour of work or so away from her lifetime goal too. Ugh. So time to kiss up to her current boss/ex-girlfriend.

Hungry: Blah blah blah repetitive social interactions. OK, now that I’ve spent the entire day warming you up to me again, where is the ask for promotion option?

Emmy: Apparently someone’s simmer forgot you can’t beg for a level 10 promotion.

FML.

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Oh, looks like the maid has a crush!

Maid: Nice body…

Rabid: Um, what body? Leave me alone, I’m working out.

Hey, why such a jerk? She likes you, man.

Rabid: I like someone else.

Who?

Rabid: You’ll see…

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What’s up Elspeth?

Elspeth: As you know, I’m in the politician career…

Actually, I didn’t know that.

Elspeth: Anyway, I’m practicing for my TV interview. So Paul Revere, he’s the guy who warned the British they weren’t going to be taking our guns because we need them cause you can see Russia from my house!

Keep practicing.

Elspeth: What do you mean? I have over a million followers on Facebook already!

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Hungry, your son’s prom is tonight, why aren’t you seeing him off?

Hungry: Meh, some people get something out of that, I don’t.

You mean proms?

Hungry: No, sons.

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So how’d prom go, Rabid?

Rabid: I got into a fight, no one would dance with me, and they pretty much ignored me the whole night until the end.

What happened then?

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Rabid: I got voted Prom King!

Yeah, that makes total sense.

Rabid: Well, I think they just wanted to dump pig blood on me, but they were out of blood.

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For someone who was just complaining about being overworked, you picked a strange hobby.

Ethan: Ah, but this is fun. I invented a potion!

What’s it do.

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Ethan: Turns mummies into ghosts!

Yeah, that’s better than wasting time finding a cure for cancer or some shit.

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Harley: BOO!

Staccato: You turd! I was already scared of you!

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Hungry: AHH! A GHOST!

I swear, I can’t get anything done in this house without people freaking out. I might as well bring Luke the Simbot back.

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Harley: Hello, I’m the new spokesman for Burger King! Eat at Burger King!

Random Sim: AHHH YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME, I’M NOT EATING THERE!

Harley; But I’m not as scary as the Burger King!

Random Sim: Good point, guess I’ll have a whopper then.

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OK, so Hungry has three days until she goes back to work, the kids I tried to send off to boarding school don’t age up for another three days.. In fact, Rabid is set to age up “Never.” Fuck this, I’m bored of it. Someone’s getting an early birthday!

Staccato: But that means I’ll die three days earlier!

You’re a vampire.

Staccato: Oh yeah.

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Staccato: So what’s my final trait?

Fuck if I know, I didn’t write it down.

Staccato: You suck. Why am I in my underwear?

Family tradition.

Elspeth: Why am _I_ in my underwear?

Like I said FAMILY TRADITION. It’s not a Breckman/Kent/Wolff birthday unless we’re in our underwear! LOOK IT UP! I’ll wait.

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Kent Kent…

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Charlene Kent…

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Darlene Kent…

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Clarkette Kent…

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Clark Kent…

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Gurton Breckman…

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Joey Breckman, Jr.

I think you get the point.

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WHAT THE HELL EA??? I even had Ethan make it UNBREAKABLE!

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Rabid: Finally, she’s old enough to tell her my feelings. Staccato, I am in love with you.

Wait, what? Isn’t she your cousin?

Rabid: Second cousin once-removed.

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Harley: Get out, I need to piss.

Rabid: You’re ruining a moment! I’m professing my love to Staccato.

Harley: Your cousin?

Rabid: Second cousin once-removed!

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Staccato: I love you too, Rabid.

Celina: This is gross.

Rabid: WE’RE SECOND COUSINS ONCE REMOVED!

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Rabid: Will you marry me, Staccato Mamba Kent?

Staccato: Of course I will.

Celina: This is the first kiss scene, not the proposal scene.

Shut up, I don’t have marriage enabled for teens yet. I’m making do.

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Rabid: So mom, me and Staccato are getting married and moving to Hidden Springs.

Hungry: Fine, do what you want. See you.

Rabid: You don’t care we’re related?

Hungry: You are? Oh right, after I left Vladimir he hooked up with Staccato’s widowed mom Belisama so you two share a half sibling, Dara Kent.

OK, Now I’m even more grossed out.

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And so the happy young couple moved to Hidden Springs, leaving the rest of the crazy Kent/Wolffs behind. That’s right Harley has finally made his last appearance. He will be missed. Or not.

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Staccato: So what will we do without our family’s millions?

Rabid: I’ve been reading about this challenge on the web called difference in the family tree, so I thought I’d force it on our next 15 generations.

How do you suppose you do that?

Rabid: Well, I was hoping you’d…

Ugh. OK fine. Let’s see how far this takes us…

Tune in next time when the Wolff family becomes a DITFT!

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Comments
  1. Toast!! says:

    Omg
    Elspeth: Anyway, I’m practicing for my TV interview. So Paul Revere, he’s the guy who warned the British they weren’t going to be taking our guns because we need them cause you can see Russia from my house!
    I choked on my coke again. I apparently cannot have anything to drink while I’m reading this. Omg too funny.

    “I swear, I can’t get anything done in this house without people freaking out. I might as well bring Luke the Simbot back.”

    Tell me about it. I had to remove every actual tombstone from my DITFT’s lot and replace it with the fake ones in buydebug. The ghosts were driving me nuts, then they started getting bugged stayed around 24/7. I almost chucked my computer through a window when a ghost stepped right into a shot I needed. -.-

    Harley’s…last…appearance? D:
    *mourning moodlet*

    I’m heartbroken.

    But, turning them into a DITFT? Very interested now! Lol, can’t wait to see how you do it. 🙂
    Also, TWO chapters so close together? You’re spoiling me. 🙂

  2. ringoosu says:

    I just don’t get why ghosts are scared of other ghosts. And vampires scared of anything. Fortunately, no one is scared of vampires. At least twice I had sims fill their queue COMPLETELY with “A MUMMY!”

  3. StyxLady says:

    Sooo, I never did get all the way caught up with this. >< But I'm gonna start here, because I wanna read your DITFT! 😀

    Excited to see how the inbred babies of a vampire and a ghost are gonna look! Can sims be both a ghost AND a vampire? I don't even know…lol.

  4. […] So, the parents come home and despite the fact that there is NO mess and no children left behind Ginny freezes and stands in place for 20 minutes while the game decides she has to go scold Salmon Roll, which means of course that they’re both frozen in a high traffic area and are screwing up everything for everyone around them. Hey, EA: Eat a Bag of Dicks. […]

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