Chapter 32: Shawn Rescues Darth Vader

Posted: October 6, 2011 in Ethan Kent, Harley Bull, Hungry Lyktha Wolff, Rabid Wolff-Schlick, Staccato Mamba Kent

I know You know that
I’m not telling the truth
I know you know they
Just don’t have any proof
Embrace the deception, learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions,
They will Psych you out in the end

psych516_0059

So it’s been several months since we’ve last seen Shawn and Gus, so how about a recap. Shawn has passed himself off as a psychic detective, and has convinced his pal Gus to help him run an private investigator agency…

Oh. Fuck. Sorry, that’s Psych. You’re here (all two? of you) for my legacy: Got to Keep the Cookies on the Plate. Or something like that. Fuck if I can remember. Oh. and we have strong language.

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This is Staccato Mamba Kent. She was named after that dude from ZZ Top’s grandkid on Bones. She is the only child of Kent Kent and Belisama Hemlock-Kent. Kent Kent died in a not-so-tragic accident of stupidity. Basically, he learned the hard way that Sims vampires DIE in the sun instead of sparkle sparkle.

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This is Kent Kent’s father. Ethan. I don’t really remember much about him except for the fact he bored the hell out of me. His time as heir pretty much killed the blog for a while.  He works as a scientist, and made it all the way to the top level. He still works despite being over 100, because, well fuck that guy. He also eats in his underwear just to gross me out.

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This is Harley Bull. He first joined the family in chapter ten. CHAPTER TEN. That was so long ago Sims 3 hadn’t even come out yet. I don’t think. He’s been a mummy since before World Adventures came out. I’m not making that up, I promise.

OK, so I guess I’m a worse narrator than Ted Moseby.

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This is Rabid Wolff-Schlick. He is the future heir and son of Hungry Lyktha Wolff and Vladimir Schlick. He, like his mother, was born a ghost. They inherited their ghost gene from Clarka Kent, the love of Thornton Wolff’s life.

OK, maybe “bane of Thornton Wolff’s existence” is a better term.

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This is Celina Jung. She’s the butler. She’s not important. Forget I mentioned her.

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This is the current matriarch of this messed up family: Hungry Lyktha Wolff. I named her after a Duran Duran song, and Rio would have been just too normal/easy. The last heir, Ethan, was NOT her father. Like I just said, her mother was Clarka Kent. Pay attention. No wonder you got bad grades in school, you stupid person.

Have I lost all my readers yet? No? OK. Anyway, she stole the heirship (is that a word? Computer says no.) from her stupid cousin Kent Kent. (The spot on the pavement, remember.)

Um. Thanks David Walliams. For the record Matt Lucas is funnier. So there.

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Here we see Hungry on the phone. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. This is one of those blogs where I talk to the characters. I was about to go the whole blog just talking myself, and I know you readers don’t want THAT.

Hi Hungry. Who are you calling?

Hungry: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT?

Um, me. Remember me?

Hungry: No.

OK. Deleting file…

Hungry: I mean yes. Yes I do.

That’s better. Now answer the question.

Hungry: I’m sending Rabid to art school. I learned that if you are in charge of someone you get to ignore them for months on end.

LOOK I AM SORRY OK??

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Hungry: No, it is NOT fine. Our house is falling apart! Look at it!

Actually, it was doing that even when I played regularly. Check out the previous chapters I swear. Shit breaks constantly, and calling the repair man just gets ignored.

Hungry: Probably cause he doesn’t want to come in this ugly lemon house. Who chose this color scheme anyway?

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So I take a look around this house and quite frankly, I don’t remember why I added some of the stuff that I did. Did I really put a horse trough in the back yard?

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OK, I definitely did that. I have a tendency to make people sleep outside. I think it’s funny.

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So Hungry drove off to her job in the acting career. She is currently level 9, her lifetime goal is to be level 10. I could look up the respective titles to both and said those instead but then you’d be thinking “what level is that” so you should thank me for being lazy, right?

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Heading to work Ethan?

Ethan: No, I have to drive to the bar and convince the bartender that LOGIC IS GREAT!

Why?

Ethan: BECAUSE LOGIC IS GREAT!

That doesn’t seem to make sense.

Ethan: IT DOESN’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, NOW JUST BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY LOGIC IS GREAT!

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Um, Rabid what are you doing?

Rabid: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Oh. OK. See you later.

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Ethan: LOGIC IS GREAT!

Bartender: Then why don’t you MARRY it?

Ethan: MAYBE I WILL!

Do you think Ethan knows what “logic” means?

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Ethan: So here’s a picture of my grand-daughter Staccato Mamba.

Bartender: God, my job has gotten ten times worse since Generations has come out.

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Hey, Hurley, shouldn’t you be watching the baby?

Harley: It’s Harley.

Whatever. The baby.

Harley: I can see her. I have to run so I can live longer.

I’m pretty sure mummies can’t die.

Harley: Do you know this for sure?

I guess we’ll find out.

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Celina: I guess I’ll put the baby to bed since no one else will.

Go away, I already told the reader you don’t matter to this story.

Celina: But I’m the only one who does any work around here!

No one cares.

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What’s up Rabid?

Rabid: I’m going to be late to my cousin’s birthday party cause SOMEONE forgot to wake me up when I fell asleep on a random bench.

Um, I don’t know anything about that. *quickly clicks on go to home lot button*

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Um, Hungry, shouldn’t you invite the guests inside?

Hungry: When I feel like it.

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Old man: YOU ARE A CHEATER!

Hungry: What the fuck? Why is this geezer calling me a cheater? We weren’t playing cards!

Um, yeah, you probably need to read the Generations patch notes.

Hungry: (reading) REPUTATION? WHAT THE FUCK? All those people I slept with knew it was just a one time thing!

Sorry, you can’t do that anymore.

Hungry: (grumbles) At least there’s no cats.

Um… for this chapter anyway.

Hungry: What do you mean?

Oh, nothing…

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Hungry: Blow out the candles.

Staccato: I’m tired!

Hungry: SHUT UP AND BLOW OUT THE CANDLES. THIS IS A PARTY AND YOU ARE HAVING FUN!

Wow. I just had flashbacks…

Give me a moment.  OK DADDY I’LL BE HAPPY

Sorry. Where were we?

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This is Staccato Mamba Kent as a child. She is now Artistic, to go with Good and Friendly.

Staccato: Can I go to bed now?

Not until you eat all your cake, young lady.

Staccato: Aw, man…

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Hungry: Hello super expensive boarding school? I would like to ignore another child for months on end. Cause that’s what you do.

I SAID I WAS SORRY!

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Harley: Changing the clothes from the washer to the dryer.. doot doot doot doo…

Harley, um…

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Harley: (to the tune of Hunger Strike by Temple of the Dog) I’M DOIN LAUNDRY… YEAH YEAH…

Harley.. why…

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Harley: Ah, here’s the dryer.

Harley… oh, never mind.

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So since Hungry was only a touch away from her LTW, and she had THREE off days now, I decided to send her to the butterfly place on a date with her boss. Except the game bugged out and her boss never showed up.

THIS is one of a billion reasons I take this game off.

Hungry: Good luck with that picture, bet it doesn’t develop mwahaha.

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Staccato: Will you be my friend?

Celina: Why of c—

SHUT UP! I TOLD YOU YOU CAN’T BE A PART OF THE STORY!

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Looks like Emmy isn’t showing up, Hungry.

Hungry: Oh well. Hey, this lady looks attractive.

That’s Elspeth Cook. I think you slept with her mother.

Hungry: Really? That’s a good ice-breaker.

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Hungry: AND THE WOMAN I FUCKED WAS… YOUR MOTHER!

Elspeth: AHHHHHHH

OK, so it looks like I’m not the only worse narrator than Ted Moseby.

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Hungry: According to these patch notes I just read, I can now pull flowers out of thin air!

Elspeth: That’s a neat trick.

Hungry: ILLUSION! Don’t you watch Arrested Development?

Elspeth: Mr. Wendal?

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Hungry: So what’s your sign, baby?

Elspeth: Virgo.

Hungry: Really? In that outfit?

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OK, Hungry, enough messing around, let’s get down to business already…

Hungry: Shut up, SOME of us haven’t gotten to play with all the new Generations stuff yet.

OK OK, Sorry.

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Yep, looks like some things never change.

Hungry: You shut up! This time is different.

Oh really? How?

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Oh.

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Comments
  1. Toast!! says:

    Wow, I can’t believe Hungry got engaged. >.> Didn’t see that one coming..and yeah. Generations automatic reputation is REALLY annoying. A person with more than one romantic interest is “naughty” despite the fact that they haven’t SEEN that person since they were teenagers. >.>

    “Hungry: AND THE WOMAN I FUCKED WAS… YOUR MOTHER!

    Elspeth: AHHHHHHH”
    I seriously choked on my coke. OMG, too funny.

    XD I get the feeling you’re not too fond of this legacy, but I love it. 😛 I hope you keep writing it, even if its months apart.
    Toast

    • ringoosu says:

      I do like some of the characters, and I hope Harley does live forever. I just got writer’s block for a bit and before I knew it a few months went by and I just was gonna let it go. Then I’d get likes and comments and I felt bad. However, I finally got an idea of what to do here on out, but I don’t think I want to spoil it just yet.

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