Chapter 15. I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE AND I BRING YOU… FIRE

Posted: August 20, 2010 in Beef Supreme, Clark, Clarka, Clarkette, Dewey Kent, Gurton, Harley Bull, Joey Jr., Monk, Raging Bull

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When not hard at work on her books (which is always) Clarkette has taken a new hobby: Fishing. Nice bait Clarkette.

Clarkette: That’s what I just caught…

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Harley and Joey Jr. have formed a duo named the Scarabs and have really been rocking it out for tips.

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Apparently they’re bigger than the Beatles.  Scarabmania!

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The old people, however, just don’t get it. Typical.

Harley: Everybody’s got something to hide, except for me and my mummy!

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Clarkette: Finally, I caught something I can be proud of.

Isn’t it rather dark?

Clarkette: So?

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Clarkette: Crud.

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Dewey: I’m disappointed in you. When you’re supposed to be somewhere, you should be there.

Clarkette: Like you at the game?

Dewey: Hey, I forgot I was supposed to go.

True story. Dewey’s missed like 5 games out of 7 so far. I keep forgetting to send him cause they practically never send a carpool. The Team loses 14-0 every single time. Yet Dewey’s MVP. I guess cause they can’t win without him.

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Clarkette: Screw this, I’m going out to eat. They can’t arrest me twice for the same crime. Double Jeopardy.

That’s not how it works. They don’t arrest her though.

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Dewey gets his lifetime wish!

Dewey: All that skipping work paid off!

This update is full of valuable lessons…

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Harley tries to make friends.

Harley: …and when there was no meat, we ate fowl and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.

Claire: You ate what?

Harley: We ate sand.

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Claire: You ate SAND?

Harley: That’s right.

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Clarka: Screw writing, I’m gonna become a master inventor.

Malcolm: Is this the house where that scary mummy lady lives?

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Clarka: Oh, crap, where’s the shower?

Inside. But I think you just get singed the first time.

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Clarka: I’m pretty sure that’s not true. You can die the first time.

Really? Let me go look it up.

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Clarka: I DON’T THINK WE HAVE TIME!

Shush, it’ll only take a…

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Clarka: Don’t worry about it, I got it covered.  Hey, this is a lovely shade of orange.

Whoops.

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Clarka Kent was about a week from becoming a YA. She now rests next to her grandparents.

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Joey Jr. took it pretty hard. She had to console herself by having a blast on the trampoline.

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Dewey: Did something happen?

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Raging: So you just go around pickin’ up dead people?

Death: NO JUST THEIR SOULS.

Raging: That’s pretty cool.

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Guys, your sister is dead.

Clarkette: That would make a good Act III.

Clark: Dead sister won’t get this homework done any faster.

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Clark: Yep, knew that wouldn’t fly as a skip school excuse. Glad I did my homework.

Wow, Harley’s a real jerk. Making his son, niece, and nephew all go to school the morning after his niece dies.

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B. S.: While you all were mouring, I went and did something about it.

Clarka: I’m baaack…

Oh, great, another monster in the house. I really should have named this legacy the Addams Family.

Clarka: The Addams Family was just weird. I think you mean The Munsters.

Oh hush, no one likes The Munsters.

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Clarka: Back to inventing.

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Clarka: NOT AGAIN.

You can’t die twice.

Clarka: I DON’T WANT TO TAKE THAT CHANCE, GO GET HELP.

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Harley will save you.

Clarka: Well, I’m doomed then.

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Harley: Help.  HELLP.

Clarka: THEN DO IT ALREADY!

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Luckily, all mummies carry fire extinguishers.

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In honor of all Beef’s rooting through people’s garbage, breaking into their mailboxes, and disguising herself as small shrubbery, the mayor gave her an award.

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Is that a letter opener?

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Beef Supreme is finally becoming an elder.  The Kents decided to have their first huge party in a while. Even Monk and Gurton showed up.

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B. S.: Of course, I’m still a mummy. (sigh)

Blonde Lady: HA HA HA. You’re still funny looking!

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Clarkette: What’s a birthday party without catfish?

Mmmm… Cake and catfish.

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Clarkette is such a natural fisherwoman, she even levels in fishing when she dreams about it.

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Dewey: How come I don’t get a party in the park?

You’re the one who likes staying home so much. Maybe if you went to your games, I’d give you a real party.

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Dewey: Can I retire now?

Sure, but only in the Brett Favre meaning of the word.

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Joey Jr. Breckman is now a Hit Movie Composer.

J. J.: Yep, my score for Saw XIV put me over the top.

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And then, cause I’ve never done it before, I gave her a midlife crisis. She’s now a Born Saleswoman, Natural Cook, Loves the Outdoors, Childish, and Neat.

J. J.: Oh my! This dollhouse is a MESS!

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Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for.. the heir is becoming a Young Adult!

Clark: Why don’t I get a party in the…

SHUT UP.

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Control of the household has now passed over to Clark. And his last trait is Evil.

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Now it’s Clarkette’s turn. She even skills up fishing when blowing out candles.

Clarkette: I wish for a fish.

On a dish?

SWISH!

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Clarkette is now a party animal.

Clarkette: And it’s not a party unless you’re in your underwear!

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Raging: I’m scared, what if I turn ugly?

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Raging: I worried for nothing.

Mr. Bull is now a hopeless romantic.

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Clarka: Wait, ghosts can age up too?

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Clarka is now inappropriate.

Clarka: Who invited the help?

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What’s that on the stove?

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Clarka: It’s a detonator.

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The explosion also hit the nursery.

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Yeah, I guess Clarka is a Talking Heads fan.

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Three Hundred Sixty Five Degrees

BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE

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Even Clarka’s panicking, and she started this whole mess.

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Clarkette: This house is just too crazy for me, me and Raging are moving out.

And so they did, and then story progression made them go steady. First cousins, going steady.

Well, Clarka, I hope you learned your lesson.

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Clarka: Yep, blow stuff up in OTHER people’s houses, not your own.

And that concludes Book Two. Next time we finally start Book Three: Clark Kent.

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Comments
  1. Rad says:

    Incest, freaks and house fires. This is definitely the most dysfunctional (and amazing) legacy family out there.

  2. ringoosu says:

    Fortunately they fought constantly, and have yet to get married or produce offspring.

  3. tesseracta says:

    This update was hysterical as usual. Now I have the Prodigy song stuck in my head. 😛

  4. ringoosu says:

    That was probably the first time I was exposed to the expression too, but I was referencing the song by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown.

  5. whoa.

    Note: do not attempt to prepare detonator surprise for dinner. 😉

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